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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider another baby when I am the main wage earner?

29 replies

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 09:13

It was all so different with ExH he earned more than me although I still made a significant contribution. When we had DD I had 9 months off and not a care in the world.

Fast forward 7 years and Im now with my new partner. We live together and Im so broody (and 34 so time is ticking on) I just cant stop worrying about how we will pay the mortgage etc on maternity pay which is rather rubbish from my employer. My wages basically pay all of the bills and his pays for additional things like food, clothes, days out etc. He works full time in his own business he just doesn't earn very much as times are so difficult.

All I can think about is debt and struggle on the one hand and then on the other hand my chances of having a baby is decreasing!

Please tell me Im not the only one!

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 09/02/2014 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxtecum · 09/02/2014 09:18

OP: I think you also need to think past ML.
Who will look after the baby when you go back to work?

You need to have some savings to cover your ML.
Are there any cutbacks you can make now?

Could you move to a cheaper house?
Have smaller cars?

Preciousbane · 09/02/2014 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

softlysoftly · 09/02/2014 09:22

I have always been main bread winner, DC 1 and 2 ate our savings.

DH opened a business less than a year ago and hopefully will take income later this year but at the moment I am the only earner and we are accidentally pg with DC3. Don't underestimate the sheer panic! We are lucky to have no mortgage so the house should be safe but it is stressful.

On the flipside we wanted 3 and sometimes life can't stop and wait for finances I'm a similar age to you.

So I would say sit down, work out how you can cut your cloth accordingly and if you can change anything to make it work. Even if it means going back to work early and DH doing the mst leave.

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 09:23

Looking after the baby afterwards shouldn't be a problem. My Partner works evenings and I work days so there is only a couple of hours cross over when we would struggle. My family help lots with my DD before and after school I am sure they would help with a new baby. It would be a juggle of course but it always is with children.

There aren't many things I can cut down on ive looked over and over again. We have small cars and a small but lovely house that is very near family and school etc

Its the idea of only taking a very short maternity leave and returning back to work full time in a very busy/stressful job that is breaking my heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 09:24

Yes get a regular small maintenance.
The house is in my name as I owned it before I met my partner bought after I split from my exH.

OP posts:

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 09:26

When my ExH left it was a very difficult time financially and I think deep down I am terrified of being in that position again. I was very vulnerable at a very difficult time.

OP posts:

Jemimapuddlemuck · 09/02/2014 09:32

Can you cut your outgoings for a few months and save before you start TTC? And you could keep saving during pregnancy if you get pregnant. Do you have 2 cars? We went down to one car while I was off and the savings from that bought me an extra month off.

I think you will regret it if you don't do everything you can to make this possible.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/02/2014 09:53

I agree that saving beforehand is a good idea. When I got to 3 months pregnant me and DH put £300 a month away in our Maternity Fund. My Maternity Package is actually very good but we calculated it all that by the time I go on to SMP only (when baby is about 7 months old) we will have just over £3'000 in savings to cover the shortfall and also cover me for when my SMP stops and I'm on unpaid leave. It will enable me to have a full year off work which is our incentive. It has been hard cutting back by £300 a month to put it into our Maternity Fund but we know it is a sacrifice we have to make.

We know full well that based on our current income, let alone after this baby comes along, we will not be able to afford a 2nd child. We have accepted that though. I'm also from of the school of thought that if you can't afford it you don't have it

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 09/02/2014 10:06

I also sat down with a budget before ttc and we figured out how to afford it. Taking a decent mat leave was non-negotiable for me even though I was the higher earner - I wasn't prepared to leave the baby before 6 months as the absolute minimum. We made lots of cutbacks and we managed. Then, on a much lower income as I went back pt and we have childcare to pay for dc1, we sat down again and figured out how to afford ttc again. It's amazing what you can manage when you really look at your finances and work out what you're prepared to sacrifice. I haven't had a haircut in nearly a year, as one minor example. But I'm going on mat leave at the end of March and I won't go back to my (horrible, stressful) job until December. We won't have any luxuries, we won't go on holiday and we will count every penny but it's worth it to us.

Look really carefully at your budget, where you can save eg switching utilities, shopping at Aldi, reduced travel costs whilst you're off work, meal planning etc. Will you be entitled to any tax credits? I hope you find a way and good luck.

eurochick · 09/02/2014 10:12

I'm the main earner (I earn about 60% of our combined salary). I'm in the early weeks of pregnancy atm. If this one works out (I've miscarried before), I'm keeping an open mind as to what we will do, but we have a tentative plan that I will take off around 4 months and mr euro will then take 2-3 months under the shared parental leave provisions before we use childcare. We are both at a fairly critical time in our careers, and this is an attempt to balance out the career impact between us, as well as to minimise the financial hit.

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 11:07

If we decide to go ahead Im definitely going to have to save as much as possible whilst ttc/being pregnant.

Going PT is not an option which also makes me feel sad. I guess you just want to be fair and to do the best for your children. With DD I had 9mths off and then phased part time for just over a year (3 days a week) before going back full time.

I just wish my partner earned more even though its not his fault. Its hard being the one responsible for everything

OP posts:

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 11:08

I think 6mths of would also be a minimum for me, any less would be very difficult.

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HazleNutt · 09/02/2014 11:18

I'm the main earner, so went back full time after 4 months. DH has his own business, but he is taking a break until DS and potential DC2 are in school - so he's now a SAHD. I'm not saying it wasn't hard, but it's the best solution for our family.

greenfolder · 09/02/2014 11:18

not sure if you have a mortgage. i took a full year mortgage holiday as similarly i had stat. minimum maternity pay.

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 11:20

Yes I have a mortgage, looking online it says I might be entitled to one or two months payment holiday. Im going to ring them tomorrow

OP posts:

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 09/02/2014 17:45

Can't you take the first 6 months then let your partner take leave whilst you go back?

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 09/02/2014 17:46

Posted too early..., but if you're the higher earner, why not let him enjoy time with a baby too?

That way you could work without the stress of having to juggle childcare ....

OrangeFizz99 · 09/02/2014 18:12

Dh and I run our own business and I am pg with no 3.

I'll have max three months off. Bit rubbish but better than not having the third I crave and better than not having the business either.

Sometimes a bit galling to watch our employees take proper mat leave though!

akachan · 09/02/2014 18:36

I'm pregnant with our first and am the main breadwinner. I've saved £10k to cover the shortfall and will continue to save till the baby is here. I think that should buy me 10 months (just). Hell of an expense of course. Then I'll go back and DH will be a SAHD mainly. I think he's planning to work weekends and maybe a day a week.

manicinsomniac · 09/02/2014 18:40

YANBU. You don't have to take maternity leave. I'm 7.5 months pregnant (accidentally) and a single mum of 2 so I won't be taking maternity leave beyond the number of days/weeks I need to physically be able to work again.

Also - haven't the rules changed so that if you need or want someone at home with the baby instead of a nursery the leave can be taken by either partner. So you husband, on the lower salary, could take the leave instead couldn't he?

Casmama · 09/02/2014 18:49

Perhaps your partner needs to find a job he could o in daytime hours to increase his income. Have you discussed this with him as it would be nice to think he has some ideas.
If his business only makes enough to cover food etc then perhaps being his own boss is a luxury you can't afford.

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 19:40

He wont get official leave as such as he is his own boss and its just not worth it financially especially as he is off during the day and so will be able to do lots of childcare.

I've thought about him doing more hours/different work during the day but I haven't suggested it to him. The business is a family business that they have run for years, I think letting it all go would be devastating for them all. It normally makes more money in the summer and then he can take more as an income and we can save that up, winter is a quiet time.

I think if we could save £6000 then we could just about manage, it would take a while though and seems like a huge amount!

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 09/02/2014 19:43

I don't understand - your partner is at home during the day anyway? In that case there is no need for either of you to take maternity leave and you won't suffer any financial impact at all! Problem solved, surely?! Sounds like you are definitely in a stable enough position to have another child.

Original poster

twinkle1010 · 09/02/2014 20:08

I could not take any maternity leave but then how would I breastfeed or bond with my baby? I know others do this and I would never criticise or judge anyone else but I just don't think I could do it.

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