AIBU or am I just being PFB?

[Slh122]

Went round to MILs this evening and she asked us if we want to go out for a meal for her mum's birthday in a few weeks time.
She then said she'd book the table for 7.30. As there's a few of us going, and the place we're going isn't exactly particularly speedy, this will mean the whole thing is a long drawn-out affair so we probably wouldn't be finished until 9.30 at the earliest.
We have a 3 week old baby and I'm trying to establish some sort of half-decent bedtime routine with him so that we can all try and egg some sleep.
I said it was a little bit too late and could we do it any earlier because I'm the one who has to deal with DS in the night when he's unsettled.
MIL said no because she's going out in the day and 'needs time to get ready'.
DP said okay we'll bring the pram in and he can sleep in that while we're eating. I said I don't want him getting over tired which is what will happen if he gets passed round a table of people. MIL then said I was being precious and that I couldn't stop people having a cuddle of him.
AIBU not to want to take my baby out on an evening or am I just being precious?

*I wouldn't go with a 3 week old, especially if they're going to get passed around all evening. I was going to bed at 8pm when DS was that age so I could cope with all the night feeds!
Strict routine or not, I personally think it's good to get even tiny babies used to a dark, quiet bedroom at night so they learn the difference between night and day and start to set their body clock. *

Same here.

I have a 4 week old and must be precious 2nd born as there's no way you'd be dragging me anywhere in the evening at the minute!

My first thought would have been "never mind whether it suits the baby - I'm too tired to be awake past nine!

Oh, and as for "you can't stop people having a cuddle of him" - I think you'll find you can.

I know it's an unpopular view and he isn't just my baby blah blah... but frankly, while he's this tiny and new, he is mine, and I'll be precious if I want.

Mine mine all mine mwahahahaha!

Not PFB, some babies are portable, some are not. DD was, DS most definitely was not. While he did have reflux and was uncomfortable a lot, based on the personality we've seen emerge I'm convinced half his crying was now overstimulation and upset at being with anyone other than me.

I feel guilty because I fell for the whole "you need to pass them around to socialize them, otherwise they'll hate other people forever and always" line - complete BS. If you feel your DS is better at home for now, please trust your instincts. People can think you're precious all they want, you are his only voice at the moment.

If however you want to give it a try, go with the freedom to bail at any time. Try the pram with coverings to avoid the passed-around bit, or perhaps a sling will help him sleep and stop asks for a hold.

Someone once said to me that there are two types of families. Those that can do things and those that can't.

My SIL is in the 'can't do' category and it has meant her kids have missed out on a lot of family occasions and trips to see relatives abroad.

I think we are a can do family, our baby is up and down to London from the north and has driven from the north of England to the south of France. If he has one night out of his routine the world doesn't end and it's back to normal the next day.

Routine is one thing but a bit of flexibility is a good thing to teach children too. I think if you have a set in stone routine for children which means you turn down invitations and events it becomes very limiting for your children in the long run.

I think for things like big family events and holidays a bit of flexibilty to the routine is a good thing.

zee is right newborns really don't need to be socialised.

If you want to socialise that's fine but the baby isn't going to be bored having a night in :)

Routine is one thing but a bit of flexibility is a good thing to teach children too. I think if you have a set in stone routine for children which means you turn down invitations and events it becomes very limiting for your children in the long run.

Absolutely but I'd apply that to an older child rather than a 3 week old. A 3 week old isn't missing out on anything.

There is also the question of whether being a "can do" family means you've got to agree to everything that's convenient to other people.

Flexible routines can be a great thing, enabling you to do things.

But equally a family reputation for flexibility can mean you end up spending all your time enabling other people to do as they like, "because Slh won't mind".

When dc were little I was forever bending backwards, anxious to show how flexible and wonderful I was. Yes, dc have grown up flexible and adaptable people and that is a good thing. But in retrospect I spent far too much time on passive agressive seething, waiting for people to notice my flexibility and meet me halfway. They rarely did.

If you want to socialise that's fine but the baby isn't going to be bored having a night in

SOME babies are portable at that age, some are not!!
DD is 8 weeks old. We have and still go out for as many lunches as we want with no problems, but an evening meal??? That's been a no no since day 1. If we get home after 7pm DD is unsettled all night as it disturbs her 6:30-10:30 cluster feeding period. I too would be spending the entire time with my boobs out, trying and failing to be discrete, and not getting any food!!

My DM is the same as your MIL tho- she doesn't remember what that's like! Get your DH to deal with her, she shouldn't be laying the law down to you- no one should be speaking to you like that, no matter what relationship they are!

Ds1-I would have said no, not going.
Ds2 and ds3? Would have gone, baby asleep in pram; I would have enjoyed it.
Def pfb but this isn't a bad thing. What a shame mil couldn't have arranged for an hour earlier-you stay for 2 hours= compromise reached.
But if you don't want to go - don't. Snuggle up instead.
As an aside-bedtime routine at 3 weeks? Let me know how that goes

It depends on the baby, some are really easy others (my last one) was a proper howler, I wouldn't have taken him because he did nothing but cry/scream and I wouldn't spoil people's evening.
If you have a fussy baby, and it causes tension for you to not go, can you go for a while then if baby is crying a lot, everyone will understand (& b glad) if you leave early?

Hahaha it has to be a joke. I'd hardly be out that late now and certainly not with a newborn. Simply too much effort for me.
if it suits u then go, enjoy, and get a sling. If not jusif not just say it doesn't suit but thanks.....dont waste you time getting into it with someone who is rude enough to call you precious.......newborn baby.....your newborn baby. F that.

I know this isn't the issue, but "MIL then said I was being precious and that I couldn't stop people having a cuddle of him" would tick me off! He's your baby, not a public-service teddy bear.

I think you should go with him in a pram like your DP says but insist that he doesn't get passed around, oggled at or prodded.

And I fail to understand why so many people give new mothers unwanted advice.u can do whatever u want seeing ur the one up at night. I wouldn't expect them to time it to suit u but neither would I put myself out to suit them.ur baby isnt a toy for mil.

Seasicksal....... I'm a can do.... what that now means is as cory says other people dont do as they think I always will. Its very annoying and makes me less inclined to make an effort with people who cant do.

i currently have a precious 2nd born so im very tired and typing badly. ... I just re read the ops message. ... its not even advice here...the mil is telling her what to do!!

only thing is mil asked if they'd like to come.... u u can just say no!!!@

I wouldn't have gone. I was far too exhausted for a late night. And DS was screaming at night. You will to have the balls of a brass elephant to stand up to people wanting a cuddle. You will be the one stressed to the eyeballs if you baby is crying and upset. Everyone but you will be able to zone it out as background noise.

And ignore those crying PFB. This is a hateful stupid phrase used to silence and ridicule any woman who is trying to do the best by her baby. It is your baby and your call and no-one elses'.

'routine' is a lie told by people who sell childcare books.
but you are absolutely right not to want your little one passed round like a parcel.
if you have to go (and it might be better not to if you and baby would be uncomfortable) then make it clear that baby stays with you.

Thought I'd catch up on this thread. I'm surprised nobody has acknowledged that the DP and baby's father is ok with this and wants to go.

Go, settle your baby in the pram, only let him be passed around as much as you feel happy to and make it clear to your DP that he's to back you up.

It's one night, there are 2 parents there. I agree with whoever it was up thread who differentiated between the can do people and the can't. Those with a can do attitude are going to have a greater success rate if raising a more adaptable child who will grow into a more flexible and adaptable adult with a can do attitude, that's my beliefs anyway.

My dd needed a routine (it was not a lie for us) from a very early age and wouldn't/couldn't sleep in simulating environments. Tell them you know your child best and your not up for it. Every baby/child is different and everyone with the 'they'll sleep anywhere' type attitudes won't be up with you if it turn into a nightmare in the early hours.

Joysmum, I do agree about can and can't do people, but sometimes it's more a case of want to and don't want to people!! I don't think the OP wants to! (And I wouldn't either!)

Yanbu! I had a nice routine from about 3 weeks and mainly wanted my evenings snuggled with my family out of the cold. I think do what you want, dont be a martyr and make yourself miserable and tired. If anyone wants to visit make it a day time affair.
Personally i dont like seeing babies out in the evening, they Lways seem uncomfertable and over tired to me

If you don't want to go for fear of upsetting a routine then you probably ABabitU as at 3weeks it won't matter much.

If you are not going because you will be knackered and incapable of speech let alone polite conversation - YANBU.
If you don't go because you don't your little one to be pass the parcel when they want to sleep - YANBU, they are a person not a toy.
If you don't want to go because you can't be arsed, it's too cold or you won't get to enjoy the meal and you'll be stressed - YANBU.

But you can't expect them to change their mealtime for someones birthday to suit a baby.

Who are all these people with portable sleeping babies? No way I would've took Ds - he was a right whingey PITA from 7-9pm and did not sleep for prolonged periods so I just wouldn't have relaxed in that situation. (not bitter at all )

Oh, and OP I don't think there's owt wrong with having a routine in general even if you're made to feel like a miserable taskmaster as seems to be the case often on here. It's probably just best to wait until their a little bit older and more co-operative in joining you in that routine

The ops dh isn't the one up at night so he probably hasn't really thought about it. Probably doesn't really understand how unsettled the baba might get. I know my dh hadn't a clue when we had our first.

YANBU
There is no way I would have wanted to go out for dinner, anywhere any time, 3 weeks post partum. My boobs were huge, I was still struggling with getting a good latch, dcs fed constantly in the evenings. I can't think of anything worse.
(btw though, YABU to epect a routine at 3 weeks)

YANBU.
Your MIL is very unreasonable! Whether or not your 3 week old is 'portable', you are in the midst of many weeks of sleep-deprived nights, and only you are the one who is going to have to get up for your new baby that night and every other night before and after for a while. so I actually think that it's about how you feel rather than how your mother in law feels. She has arranged it apparently without thinking about you, and that is selfish. I think I would be tempted to say 'Sorry I can't come because we find the baby does better overnight if we have a quiet, non-stimulating evening. I would have loved to have come if it had been earlier in the day'. With DC1 we got pulled into these type of social situations and it was a nightmare. By DC2,3 and 4 we put our foot (feet?) down and said that we would not be going out for any evening events until we had got through the newborn 'survival' stage (for us, this meant we didn't go out in the evening for 12 weeks). It worked out fine. We did loads of socialising in the daytime, so didn't miss out, but come 6pm, the front door was shut and we focused on getting thru the evening and night with as much sleep as possible for all. The opportunity to go out in the evening (and not suffer the next day), will be back in a few months. Good luck.

OP says the baby is currently three weeks old.

The outing is to take place in a few weeks time.

So, the baby will no longer be three weeks old when it takes place. Just saying this because most people so far have referred to the baby being three weeks old on the day, which he won't be.

OP if you don't want to go then don't. I would have said no as well for a number of reasons. It sounds to me like you're actually doing a great job by putting your baby first, by considering his comfort above all else.