AIBU or am I just being PFB?

[Slh122]

Went round to MILs this evening and she asked us if we want to go out for a meal for her mum's birthday in a few weeks time.
She then said she'd book the table for 7.30. As there's a few of us going, and the place we're going isn't exactly particularly speedy, this will mean the whole thing is a long drawn-out affair so we probably wouldn't be finished until 9.30 at the earliest.
We have a 3 week old baby and I'm trying to establish some sort of half-decent bedtime routine with him so that we can all try and egg some sleep.
I said it was a little bit too late and could we do it any earlier because I'm the one who has to deal with DS in the night when he's unsettled.
MIL said no because she's going out in the day and 'needs time to get ready'.
DP said okay we'll bring the pram in and he can sleep in that while we're eating. I said I don't want him getting over tired which is what will happen if he gets passed round a table of people. MIL then said I was being precious and that I couldn't stop people having a cuddle of him.
AIBU not to want to take my baby out on an evening or am I just being precious?

[babybythesea]

If I'd only had DD1 I would have said everything everyone else had about tinies being portable, make the most of it etc etc.
But I've also got DD2 now and after that experience, I'd say it totally depends on your baby.
With the first, I'd have trotted off anywhere and done anything because she really was portable.
With the second, you'd have had to plant a nuclear bomb under the house to get me out of it in the evening. DD2 was hard work in the evenings, often very fractious and screaming on and off, with bad wind and explosive nappies, feeding every 20 minutes for a few minutes at a time, then stopping to have a look round, exposing me to anyone who cared to glance in my direction, rather than latching on and staying there and all punctuated with the sounds of her yelling. Not no way, no how or ever would I have gone to a restaurant with her.
So my conclusion. Is that some babies are definitely portable. Some are definitely not (especially if you want other people to be able to enjoy meals in peace).
You know your baby, you know what state you are in every evening (dog tired and grumpy in my case, as DD2 started her mothering at about 5 and could go on until midnight, and sometimes beyond).
Routines - not wildly important at this stage.
Your sanity - very important. Do what helps you hang on to it.

[BethGoLightly]

I don't think YABU as a three week old baby is still tiny and I personally just wouldn't be able to relax as mine were real screamers at that age. However, they really aren't into a routine so if you have a settled baby and you were relaxed about it all then go and enjoy a meal out and leave early.

[MorningTimes]

If you don't fancy it (your MIL sounds a bit rude so I can see why you might not feel line spending time with her when you are already exhausted!) then don't go, but use yourself as the excuse as well as the baby.

Just say you are too tired to feel up to a meal out & that your baby is cluster feeding in the evenings so you need to be at home together. At that age, mine all fed pretty constantly from around 5-10pm & I was usually sitting in bed, feeling a bit sorry for myself, with DH bringing drinks & snacks to try & help me keep the milk supply building up. There's no way I would have wanted to do that in public in front of a load of relatives!

[natwebb79]

All those of you saying that the OP is being precious and that newborns are portable and family come before routines blah blah, I say sod that. At 3 weeks my DS was screaming every evening unless me or DH paced up and down the living room with him. We were frickin knackered and didn't go out at all. You know what? it was a few months out of our whole lives and yes, at that time the needs of our baby and us came first. Luckily our families have the sense to realise that in those circumstances a slow drawn out evening dinner with people passing a grumpy baby around would have been a fucking stupid idea but it seems the OP's family aren't as switched on. I say put your foot down OP and enjpy your baby's first weeks. They go very quickly

[MorningTimes]

Make your excuses, send DH off without you and snuggle up at home in your pyjamas. You won't get this time back & you need to look after yourself at the moment, not worry about pleasing other people or passing your baby around to be looked at.

[Maria33]

YANBU to not want to go out socializing with a tiny baby but it's about you not the baby. If you're not up for it, that's fair enough. Don't talk about a 4 week old getting overtired because that does sound very pfb. Just say that you're not ready to go out socializing with the baby yet, especially not in the evenings. Fair play :)

[Maria33]

What morningtimes said ^^

[pootlebug]

Have you got a decent sling - a stretchy wrap or something? If you put him in there then a) he'll probably sleep much better than in the pram, and b) he's attached to you so no-one can possibly grab him for cuddles without your permission (not that they should anyway, but it sounds like MIL might try).

[Gusthetheatrecat]

No one is being U, but your MIL is not being very considerate.
Yes, 3 week old babies may well be relaxed and portable (though some certainly are not) but 3 week old MOTHERS are often still emotional, recovering from birth, sleep-deprived, shell-shocked, and walking irrational zombies who bear only a passing physical resemblance to a normal person.
You have just given birth. If staying in encouraging a routine is what you want to do, do it. You may well realise later only in retrospect how portable your baby was, and that you maybe were being a bit PFB. Who cares?! This IS your PFB. You made a new human being.
Do whatever it takes to get you and him used to each other, used to the new world you inhabit, and through the day. Other people may think you are insane, but that's ok. I certainly went more than a little insane esp after my first baby was born. I used to panic if we were out in the evening, and the constant question of 'what will tonight be like?' was exhausting.
Your H should support you and gently shield you from others, particularly his family, in whatever it is you need. You and your son are only just post-partum. Be kind to yourself, especially if other people aren't!

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

you know your own baby, but trying for a routine at 3 weeks seems a bit crazy, especially as it might work sometimes then the other times it wont and you will be fighting to try and make them.
At 3 weeks, i went out at the same time, had ds in a moby wrap, but we did lie him in his pram while we were eating and he just lay there and watched.I didnt let him be passed around, I put him back in the sling when he got a bit unsettled, and did have to walk about with him a bit. he wasnt screaming, and just slept. They did try and get me to hand him over for photos, but luckily he was sleeping, and i just ignored them,
but the annoying bit was the family saying, "oh wasnt he so good" and other things, then trying to do it again when he was 2 months when he had put himself in a routine.
It wont be that fun for you, if you do go, cut up all your food when you start so you actually get some, and the wrap was the best thing as they cant just pick the baby up like its in a pram.

[Slh122]

Yes MIL does try and grab him off me, as does SIL. There has been several times where he's been asleep in his crib or on me and they've tried to take him in a 'oh come to grandma/auntie' way and I've had to say no he's fine just here - sorry for the drip feed, didn't mean to!
I have noticed that on the evenings we've been out somewhere other than home later than 8 or 9 pm he's a hell of a lot harder for me to settle and is up and down all night long, whereas other nights he only wakes for a couple of feeds and goes back down straight afterwards, rather than screaming the house down.

[MrsSteptoe]

"MIL then said I was being precious and that I couldn't stop people having a cuddle of him."

I think she'll find you can.

Work it out for yourself as you go along, OP, don't do what other people who obviously aren't interested in supporting your new-mother experiences tell you to do. (That is, by all means take advice from people who are genuinely trying to help. Just don't listen to people who are put out by the fact that you would prefer to be in control of your own new motherhood or who can't accept that you are a new mother, and therefore can't just adopt the behaviour of someone who's gone through it all before.)

[TheBuskersDog]

YABU to expect the timing of the meal to be determined by your baby, it's not your or your husband's birthday, also your reasoning of routine or being overtired are not reasonable.
However you would be perfectly reasonable to say you'll go if you feel up to it on the day, if not you'll stay at home. In a few weeks your baby may be going through an unsettled time, at that age my first screamed for hours every evening whilst my second was no problem at all. It could be that on that day you're absolutely knackered or you may be fine. The point is you don't know so just wait and see. Your husband can always go to his grandma's birthday without you if necessary.

[helenthemadex]

generally they are quite portable when they are younger and it doesn't matter where they are they will feed and sleep without problem. There are babies who just dont sleep in the evening and as someone else said up thread they just cluster feed and scream, which far from making the evening enjoyable would make it a stressful nightmare dd4 I remember it well never had a hot evening meal for months

OP if your baby is not an evening screamer, and you have a few weeks to see how things are, then go and enjoy yourself, if your baby is very unsettled then dont go. I agree with not playing pass the baby though

[Slh122]

I meant to add onto my last post, it may be coincidence that he settles better when he's had a 'quiet evening' but even so, my ILs aren't the ones who are going to be up at 4 am trying to settle a screaming baby.

[beginnings]

I have every sympathy with you and think you should do what feels right.

DD1 would have been a nightmare. She fell into a bedtime routine at five weeks and was sleeping through at 13 weeks. At 21 months we've never looked back (except for the odd night for teeth or something). She has always needed that quiet routine.

DD2 is a horse of a very different colour. She would be fine in a pram being rocked to sleep in a noisy restaurant (although picking her up and cuddling her would get short shrift as that would make her overtired) and would likely stay asleep for a couple of hours. That said at 20 weeks, I'm yet to get more than four hours sleep in one go and would sell my soul for a decent night. She wakes up at 11 or so for a feed anyway, so I'd just do it when we got home.

The phrase 'newborns are really portable' really pisses me off. Some are, some aren't. You're not being PFB, you're getting to know your baby.

[LittleBearPad]

If you want to go then go. He's pretty portable etc etc.

But if you don't want to go - don't go. You are allowed to do what you want to and what you think is best for DS at moment.

Mil sounds a pain. Who needs all day to get ready!

[clam]

I'd go with the 'blanket over the pram' line.
The trouble with a sling is that you end up dripping gravy on their heads.
Or is that just me?

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

clam i agree sauce or gravy is a possibility, i ordered non drippy things for a bit.

[formerbabe]

Yep, you are being previous. I am a routine queen with my kids and they have strict bedtimes, but there is no point trying to establish a routine with a three week old.

Enjoy being able to take out your ds while he is still small...it is much less fun when they can walk/run/knock over drinks/have tantrums etc!

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Interesting that someone needing time to get ready is used to justify not adjusting the time to one easier for new parents and tiny baby

YANBU. You've mentioned what would help you if it's important to them for you to be there - unless you're comfortable doing it and want to, you're also totally NBU to say thanks, lovely to be asked, but no can do, have a great time.

[Inertia]

Not all 3 week old babies are portable and laid back. DC1 spent 4pm to 10 pm every single night screaming with colic at that age, there is no way she'd have laid asleep in a pram or been passed around.

If your baby would be more settled in a sling then I would go with that option tbh, or if the baby would be very unsettled then don't go (me taking DC1 would have ruined everyone's evening at that time).

Don't feel that you have to be bossed about by family in terms of caring for your baby - you're in charge.

[hackmum]

I differ from the majority view here. Not all tiny babies are portable. I think there's a good chance you'll have a miserable evening because your DS will be crying and unsettled and demand lots of attention. Even if he does miraculously sleep through you'll probably be up all night attending to him because he'll be wide awake.

I think some licence ought to be given to parents of newborns. You're usually pretty knackered.

[cory]

I think YBU simply in using the baby as an excuse. The baby may not care one way or another. But this dinner date is inconvenient to you and at 7 weeks post-birth you have a perfect right to say so. (in fact, you would have a right to say so at any time)

This is something very nice people do: they feel so bad about taking up space of their own that they try to hide behind their children because it makes them feel less bad. Don't do it: be assertive, tell your MIL that you are too tired and that this time is too much for you. Or just smile and say "sorry I can't make it, hope you have a lovely time".

Just because you're now a mum doesn't mean you no longer have any rights of your own.

[monkeynuts123]

Don't go. Stay in the warm with your baby and put him first, you'll learn in time that nobody else puts your baby first but expects you to do all sorts of things to put them first. If they want to cuddle your baby they know where you live.