to have expected my parents to buy me a house? Long and boring sorry!

[JealousAndUnreasonable]

Well not 'a' house, my house! Three years ago DH, I and our 3 DCs moved abroad to start a new life after DH was made redundant here. We sold our house and had enough equity for two year's rent and to buy furniture and a car as it was too expensive to take our stuff with us.

DH was on a work visa (went over and got a job before we went) and the plan was after two years we would apply for permanent residence and get a mortgage at which point I could work as well.

Anyway in brief, the house we found to rent was no longer available when we got out there as out paperwork took longer to go through than anticipated (we used a relocation agency which cost £££'s). When we got over there, DH had to start his job straight away and we just could not find another house to rent as there was literally nothing available in our price range except for a house literally right next to a lake which was not ideal for our 2 and 3 year olds!

We met a mortgage broker by chance one day who told us he could get us a mortgage which was something we had not considered as we were not permanent residents. After 4 weeks in a hotel room with 3 DC who were driving me nuts and no school for the eldest as we had no permanent address, we jumped at the chance and put most of our money down on a beautiful family house, mortgage was very affordable on the basis that DH would get paid his contracted salary and it was an upcoming area which the agent assured us would mean the house prices would rise quickly. All good up to now!

Two months later DH's car skidded on ice (very cold winter), he was lucky to be alive but had to take 4 months off work with his injuries with no sick pay as he did not qualify! I could not work due to our visas either. Not eligible for any benefits at all. We were literally living on credit cards and cereal (not the DCs). When DH went back to work, his employers changed his job so his pay was less and as he had no legal protection (not a citizen, new employee) we were buggered. Immediately we put the house on the market as we realised we were not going to cope financially and at least we could take the equity and just rent anything, even a cheap apartment.

House would not sell even when we lowered the price to below what we'd paid for it. The reason being that the government started a scheme to encourage people to build their own houses by releasing cheap land which was much cheaper than buying one that had already been built. I was basically phoning every mortgage company begging them to give us a bigger mortgage so we could release equity that way but again was refused due to residency and DH's lower wage. He could not change jobs due to his visa or take an extra job. We were completely trapped.

I did something I had never done before which was to ask my mother and stepfather for help. They had sold their house some years before and had the money from that in a savings account as they were living abroad in a house provided by my stepdad's job. They were planning on buying a house again in a few years but did not need that money at that time. Knowing this, I asked my mother if they would consider buying our house from us so we could release the equity to top up DH's wage until we were eligible for permanent residence and he could get a better job and so I could work. We would pay them rent (more than the interest they were getting from the bank account) and they would then either sell the house back to us taking any increase in value for themselves or we would try and sell it again giving them the increase in value. We would have got a solicitor to draw it up legally etc. I was not interested in taking money from them, just in salvaging the mess we were in.

They said NO. It was our problem to sort out. We continued for another 6 months hoping to sell, getting further behind with the mortgage, stress causing me panic attacks and eventually handed the house keys to the mortgage company and flew home using credit which we still have not paid off. The bank sold our house a few months later and we got a total of £4k back from a £50k investment (same house is now on the market for $100k than we bought it for!). We have no hope of ever raising enough money for a deposit to buy another house here as we are paying over £1k in rent!

My mother has recently told me that she has bailed my younger sister out to the tune of over £70k in paying off her debts, paying her rent, paying her DCs nursery fees and buying clothes and furniture for her. Sister has split up with the father of her DCs (although he still pays for them and has them on weekends) and she needed their help more than us apparently. She not bothered that my DCs were made homeless and we had to come back to the UK and lose everything.

AIBU to be furious about this?

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

YABU to have expected them to help you out financially, however YANBU to feel aggrieved that they then effectively bailed your sister out after they had said no to you.

I'm one of 3 kids & my parents have always said that they wouldn't do something for one of us that they wouldn't be able to also offer equally to the other 2.

[Laquitar]

It is not so much that they made mistakes. It is that they dont aknowelege it. Op still insists that it was clever idea to buy the house. This would worry me if i was her mum. She also still insists that no parent in the world would rent near a lake. She blames everything and everybody: her mum, her sister, the lake, the Goverment's scheme. Also her sister works even as a single mother but op hasn't work not even in uk (ok childcare problem) and then she chooses to go to a place where she cant work.
I don't know why you all find her mum so nasty tbh maybe the woman has worked hard for her savings and maybe she is tiref of the melodramas and the blaming.
It is very tiring dealing with someone who doesnt accept responsibility and keeps blaming others.

[AmberLeaf]

YANBU.

Favouritism sucks.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

If I have read this right.

OP moves abroad whilst sister stays in the country.
Mum helps sister out because she can.
Sister gets £70,000 of debt paid off.
OP asks for money, mum says no. (because they now need all the money left to emigrate themselves.)
OP is upset because she doesn't come first.

[Quinteszilla]

I have reread the OP, and I am now coming at this at a totally different angle.

Your sisters relationship has broken down, and she is now a single working mum. She has had to move, coping with a child who is missing his/her dad. Your mum has helped her get furniture, pay nursery fees, and helped her pay her debts. She has helped your sister help herself.

You on the other hand, could not be bothered to work. Why were you not able to work out your "child care issues"? Your sister had to!
Instead you have been making silly decisions, buying and selling houses at stupid times. Moved across continents at enormous expense. You have not planned. You have put your entire family's finances in jeopardy. And now you think YOU need help more than your sister?

Tell you what, if I the two of you were my children, I know which child I would chose to help. The single working mum who had to start again. Not the sahm who could not work out her "child care issues", but uprooted everything on a whim, who did not plan, did not think about insurance. Buying a house to this daughter would be like throwing money into a pit. Who knows what these people would do next, if they are bailed out and never learn to plan and take precautions in life like most people do.

[Babyroobs]

YABU to expect them to buy your house as that would have possibly been a huge risk for them in a foreign country. However I think they could have helped you out financially in the short term until you got back on your feet. We bought a house in another country and had to move back to the UK a couple of years later, losing all the deposit ( although nowhere near the amount you did), so you have my sympathy.

[ElsieMc]

I do feel sorry for your plight op. BUT I am a parent who has regularly bailed out her children who are now in their twenties. I even have my eldest DD's children living with me. We supported our youngest DD through uni financially, stood as guarantor for her (very hairy moments during this time) and have done our best for them both. We had to remortgage our home to pay for legal representation in Family Court when the children were placed with us.

Last week, I went shopping with them and my eldest continually pressurised me to buy her expensive jewellery asking to use my credit card and then asked if we would buy her a house as she wants another child.

I no longer bail them out. They both have jobs and I am tired of never having anything for myself.

I have included this in a post because sometimes parents get to the end of the road and hard as it sounds, simply cannot face handing over their diminishing savings. It sounds as though your sister has abused your parents' goodwill and trust and they are not going to get stung again.

As a parent, you know when you have had enough and if something does not feel right or makes me feel bad about myself and used, I trust my instinct and don't go there. Just a view from another perspective.

[ComposHat]

You've fucked this up good and proper, made rash decisions, spent money like water and most worryingly seem to have learned absolutely NOTHING from the experience. Everything that has befallen you seems to be someone else's fault.

I wouldn't bail you out as you don't seem to have figured out what you did to cause these catastrophes of the last few years. Odds are that you could be in exactly the same boat in three years time and in need of another handout.

[Littleen]

I get that you feel unfairly treated, and so would I. Unfortunaly yabu to expect them to sort out your financial troubles.

[fluterby]

I have two siblings and yes I would be upset if dm had given one of them that amount of money.

Having said that I think some of your decisions have been really high risk. To trust a broker you met by chance, to move out without accommodation there, to buy instead of renting and not to have any form of safety net if you're not entitled to benefits and only one of you can work.

It's a bit unfair to suggest your dm spends her lifelong savings on a house you know won't sell. She could very well lose all her money and have nothing to buy her own house with in a few years time.

[shewhowines]

I'd be hurt too. So your mum is happy to stand by, while you get no help and no inheritance, whilst your step siblings get everything.

I suppose you've found out how you rank in the family
I'd be very upset.
I suppose it could be justified that step dad could give his share to his own children but your mum should divide her help between all of her children. I would still be hurt by that though.

How do you get on with stepdad? How old were you when they got together?
If you thought you got on well , then I think I would never get over this unfair treatment. I would resent him too much. And your mum for not standing up to him.
At the very least your mum should have kept her gob shut, rather than rubbing it in your face.

[shewhowines]

IMO you treat all of your children fairly. You either help them all or help none if them.

[GloriousGoosebumps]

YABU. If you hadn’t been so greedy as to ask for £80k to pay off the mortgage on a property which was no longer worth that much but instead asked your parents for 6 months mortgage payments, say £5k, you would have been able to cover the bills while your husband was unable to work and would now be in Canada living your dream. You make no mention of your husband’s side of the family, why didn’t you ask them for help? In fact, if you had also asked your husband’s side of the family to give you financial assistance then you could have asked your parents for less and thus increased the likelihood that they would help you.

As for your mother’s comment that you should not expect to inherit from her, that does seem grossly unfair. Is she assuming that you will inherit from your biological father while your half-sister will only inherit from your mother and stepfather?

[comingintomyown]

A gradual trickle of money to your sister going through a divorce which amounts to £70k would have felt very different to an out and out request for £80k due to mismanagement of your move to Canada

I do however sympathise with the favouritism thing I have had it for years - do all you can to let it go as it won't change

[JealousAndUnreasonable]

No I did not want my them to 'lend' me money. I am not the type to do that and never had before from anyone. I made a plan that they would be 'buying' something from me and would be getting something back. I did not want them to think I was wanting something off them for nothing. It was very unlikely the house would be worth nothing! House was a 5 bed, 3 bath, high spec new build, with half an acre of land and double garage, not a shack all for 80k and parents had seen it!

We knew it was a short term housing market issue and that they wanted to move out there eventually, it was something that locally we were aware of the reasons for it and it sorted itself out in the end as we knew it would but WE could not wait financially. Parents asked nothing about it, just immediately said No. Note that they had NEVER been asked for or given any help before (even babysitting) not including paying for our wedding reception and totally taking over. The money was sitting in their bank. We would have been stupid NOT to ask in the desperate situation we were in!

Sister was not divorcing. She was with a short term partner that she had a child with apparently accidentally and then deliberately had a DC2 to give her DC1 a sibling from the same father even though she did not want the relationship to continue and even though my parents were already supporting the DC1 and paying their rent when she was with her partner and they were both working!

My father has long been off the scene since I was little and was, according to him, denied contact then my mother and stepfather decided to move 200 miles away without telling him. I have no relationship with him.

We discovered on our return that DH's employers had broken immigration law by not paying him a 'minimum wage' even while he was off work which was much more than they were paying him even when he was at work! They got a massive fine later but that did not help us. Our relocation agents (who found him the job) neglected to tell us this and it was only after I contacted immigration after we came home that we were aware of it.

I hardly think buying a house instead of throwing money away on rent is 'irresponsible'. We could afford it at the time and had no idea that DH would be off work and the housing market would stall. I had to wait 9 months for a work visa as a spouse after we got there and it took 3 months to get it. I actually got to 3rd interview stage for a good job just before we came back but was pipped to the post by a local and it was at that stage that we had to say 'fuck it'. There is no hope here!

DH's parents live in poverty (abroad) so no help there.

Stepfather has been in my life since I was around 6.

[stopprocrastinating]

Yanbu in wanting help. I'm sorry the move did not work out financially. However, don't let the jealousy with your sister eat you up.

I've made mistakes with money too. You need to write it off, learn from your mistake, and work hard to build up more rainy day savings, and secure your future. Dwelling on it and getting jealous wont make things better. It will pass.

My mistake cost me my pride, self-respect and about 25k.

One day you might be lucky financially, and be well paid.. Don't give up. Half glass full?

[Jinsei]

Buying a house is a massive, risky investment. Your parents would have seen that you were unable to sell, and I don't think anyone could blame them for declining your "offer". I'd have said no too, though I probably would have been happy to tide you over with a loan for the mortgage for a few months. Strange that you didn't ask for this, when your actual request was so much bigger.

I don't understand why you hadn't properly researched your rights as immigrants, or why you didn't do this when your DH was injured. And I still don't understand why you blew money on an expensive relocation agent who clearly didn't do anything for you at all. Above all, I can't understand why you'd invest all your free cash in a "high spec" house without setting some aside as a safety net in case something went wrong.

FWIW, your gripes around your DSis and the favouritism sound quite valid, so yanbu to be pissed off about that, but you still don't appear to understand the mistakes that you made or the unreasonable nature of what you were asking your parents to do, and for that, yabu.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

I would loan or in fact give my brother £5k if he needed it. I wouldn't buy him a house for £80k, especially one overseas where I'd have to understand ownership, responsibilities, tax etc in another legal system. And I'd say so straight out regardless of how nice the house was etc.

I can understand why you thought your request was more reasonable but in fact it was probably more of a jump. When they said no did you ask to borrow some money instead?

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

Op you wanted them to buy your house. they did not want to buy it.

what's the problem?

did you ask them if they could help you in more general terms? i.e. a smaller loan?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

By the way, do your parents have mirror wills? So, regardless of which of them dies first, is the inheritance the same?

[pixiepotter]

I am not surprised you feel annoyed, but did they start helping your sister out before you asked and that meant they could not afford any more.
YABU to ask them to leave themselves without the means to buy a house and look after themselves in their old age.

[Cravey]

See that's the issue op. You made a plan. Without bothering to consult them. Self entitled. Much.

[Quinteszilla]

Why should they want to buy YOUR house, out in Canada, just because they too might want to emigrate in future?

Why dont you buy a massive luxury tent near abu dabi, in case it comes in useful? I also hear Jordan is good?