I am almost certain IANBU, but what do I do about it because there is no way he is going to change his mind?

[mameulah]

So as not to drip feed, the back story...

My dh works for himself. He has worked long, long hours almost every day for the last four (more than four) years. I have occupied myself at the weekends holding out for when we would get time together.

We now have a pfb ds who is 14 months old and I am pregnant. My dh's workload is HUGE and because of the nature of his work he can never tell me when he is going to come home and we NEVER have any plans for the weekend. Well, none that are made up more than one evening before and they, at the most, involve a couple of hours doing something together, something like supermarket shopping or swimming. Very occasionally a morning or afternoon together. Without going on our ds was 8 months old before we were all in a shop together.

My dh has now taken it upon himself to have organised, last month and this month,a whole day for his long forgotten hobby. He deserves it because he is so stressed and it helps him chill out. So he says.

Whilst I do see this I am beyond hurt that he can all of a sudden organise time off for his hobby and not for me and our ds.

I have tried to say my piece but basically get accused of, and in fairness I suppose it does look like, emotional blackmail.

Please. Any hints of what to say or do to make myself understood. Or what to do to make him choose us?

Or how to handle it?

I am half tempted to do something awesome when he is away for the day just to show him how much he is missing but I cannot be bothered with games. And think it is a slippery slope.

Please don't say 'keep busy' or 'find your own hobby' I have done really well being gainfully occupied during the last four years and am frankly sick of it.

Also, I am getting to be a sahm because he is working so hard, I am of course very grateful. But I do resent that it is never acknowledged that I have given up a successful career and it is all about his hardships

Please don't say LTB. I won't.

I just so want him to understand.

tia

Or do you reckon IABU?

I don't know what to suggest but I agree YANBU :(

How horrible for you and DS to be so far down his priorities

Yes, you're a SAHM (as am I) but you aren't a robot who has the sole charge of the house. If all he does is earn ££ and ignore you all then that's a bit piss poor.

Does he realise that you're a human who also wants to maybe have a hobby, wants to have a break from the house etc etc?

Do you do anything as a couple in the evenings once DC is in bed?

I do wonder with men who don't want to spend time with their families why they have them?

Do they think that they are doing their partners a favour by "letting" them have kids??

That said OP, how interested was him in time with you/his hobby pre kids?

Would it be reasonable to say if he can devote one day to his hobby that he can give you one afternoon to do a set acrivity with you and the kids

Does he spend any time with the kids at all? Do they know who he is?

What's this "I am getting to be a sahm"?

Lucky you

Do you want to? If not dont give up your career, it's only been a year or so, get back in there even if all you do is cover childcare for now.

I don't think he is bu wanting one day to do a hobby but I think you will go slowly insane in this little set up while he shows off how hard he works and how he makes enough that his little wife doesn't have to work at all. Bless her.

He's been working his arse off for years to support his family, wants one day off to unwind and you're having a strop.

It's fair enough that you want some family time together but give the poor guy a break.

i dont understand men that dont want to spend time with their family and their children.

nothing wrong with him wanting time off but whrn do you get time off?

and windy working hard doesnt mean you get to opt out of family life as this man has been doing.

he needs to make time for you and your child as well op.

It is a slippery slope, not having family or time alone as a couple. Does he think his only contribution to your marriage is to be the provider? Does he not understand there is more than that required if you are to maintain a happy marriage?

I don't think men like this do it to support their family.
They do it for themselves. To earn lots of money, have expensive hobbies, lifestyle, status.

They like the idea of having a wife and children, but usually the family are sidelined.

Of course not all men who work long hours are like this. DH worked horrendously long hours when our DC were small. He had no choice and it was a means to an end. As things improved he made huge efforts to spend time with us. He wouldn't have prioritised a hobby over family time.

Only the op knows what her DH's real priorities are.

What are his plans when DC2 comes along?
Will he help at all? Get up in the night? Or is all of that your job?
Can he not have help at work? Does it have to be a one-man-band?
Do you actually need all the money he is earning? It's not buying you family time.
Why doesn't he want to spend time with his family? Has he just got 'out of the habit'?

Sorry for all the questions mameulah, but more info would be useful.

PS - online grocery shopping is your friend. Supermarkets and newborns are not funny!

It doesnt sound like you want to be a SAHM so why not go back to work and keep your career?

What happens when you get totally fed up and want to leave but have no means of supporting yourself?

If he can schedule one day a month for his hobby, can you suggest that he also schedules one day a month for a proper family day out together, something that you can plan and stick to? That way he still has a day for himself and you get a proper family day for yourself.

It's fair enough that you want some family time together but give the poor guy a break.

Where's the OP's break?

Oh yes, she's a SAHM, life's just one big holiday, yes?

I hesitate to suggest this as it's not clear from your OP whether you would want to, but could you think of returning to work?

You've effectively handed him a lot of power by giving up work - he can always blame the stress of being the provider and give you a guilt trip. If you were to go back to work (a) you could have a conversation about scaling back his hours because there'd be less pressure to bring money in (b) you could reasonably point out that it's his responsibility as well as yours to relieve the nanny / pick up from the nursery and (c) if ten years down the line he's still behaving like this, you'll be able to support yourself and your children if you get fed up and leave him.

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. If you go back to work and he carries on working these hours, you know where you and your DC are in his priorities. I don't think I could live like that - if you can, that's your choice, but at least you'll know where you stand.

because there is no way he is going to change his mind?

And if that's really true, you need to have a long think about what you want your future to be.

What is his Job? To me that helps define if you are being unreasonable. If he chooses to work those hours I would say ynbu but if for example he's a farmer then yabu.

YANBU. Do you want to stay at home long term?

Call his bluff on 'with less work we'll have to cut back' and tell him this is what you want.

Sympathy from someone in a similar ( but not as bad) position. After 18 months of almost continuous being at work or on call dh finally has a bit of time off here and there and what does he do with it? Take up a new hobby and go out on various jollies without me. Three children at home to look after. To be fair he has just had an unusual run of opportunities to do some if these things and we do also have some time together and as a family.

I can understand the need for me time and lack of pressure. This is what my DH says too. II see you have said to your dh that you want time together as well and he is complaining. I think you need to discuss this again and explain how lonely it is for you and then get something in the diary. The same amount of time for the family as for the hobby surely....

Thank you everyone, your feedback is much appreciated.

To clarify a couple of points:

I am delighted, absolutely delighted to be a sahm. I wouldn't change that for the world. I miss the buzz of work but I don't miss work iyswim. And, I wouldn't at all want anyone else to look after our pfb ds apart from me.

I would however like to share more of the experience with my dh. And for him to recognise how much hard word it can be.

My dh' parents were/are rubbish and provided a very inconsistent horrible family lifestyle for my dh when he was young. I don't think he really knows how the rhythm of a home changes when everyone is in it.

He does have to work that hard. He has started his own business, employing new trust worthy people is proving to be a nightmare and deadlines need met. I understand that. He acknowledges that he really should work instead of his hobby but it does help him chill.

His argument is that he has done it twice in three years. My argument is, fine. Do it. But schedule time for us!!! He thinks that meeting for a swim or a walk on the beach means he has done that.

I think he might be starting to get it. How unreasonable would it be to take our ds away for a few days for fun stuff if he does this again. To simply prove the point that it is rubbish not being included. Or is that just asking for trouble? I know I will lose respect for myself if I lived the rest of my life like this and I know that would equal the end of our marriage. Obviously I don't want that. How do I stop that from happening? People say on threads like this, 'don't put up with it.' How? Without walking away. And without looking like a mean spirited cow.

I think the problem is what you see as quality family time and what he does. He sees swimming/walks on the beach as quality time you see it as him joining you on the day to day things and quality time needing to be something more. Unfortunately by planning this hobby day it screams that he thinks his current input to family time is enough.
it's a case of constantly having to reiterate to him that the problem is not with the hobby day, but that he needs to factor in good family time in his priority before this.
IME men need this spelt out to hem.

I would start to set aside time for you and DS to spend regularly with your friends and family. This will ensure you get time out to rest and relax.
Your DH can choose to join in or not.
Give yourself a period of a year to re-evaluate. You may find that the business is going well and that your DH can take a bit more time out.
I completely understand that setting up a new business is all consuming.
You do need to have the conversation about what his input will be when the new baby arrives.
You need to be building support networks now, though, so that you don't find yourself coping with a toddler and a newborn completely on your own.

Remember, OP, you are working hard too. Being a full-time mother to a 14 month old is no picnic, especially when you're pregnant. And it's not going to get easier when that 14-month old is a toddler and you also have a newborn to look after.

No doubt you would like some time off too. But with an absentee husband there is no time off - you're doing everything on your own. He really needs to man up and take his family responsibilities seriously. Otherwise, as someone else said, why bother having a family?

I think it would be very interesting to take DS away for a few days of fun and see how he reacts. Would he see this as "missing out" or would he simply welcome a few days on his own? I think that would tell you a lot. Many men I know wouldn't be that bothered. (Not that I think this reflects well on them.)

Thank you.

He for sure would be bothered if I took a few days out with our ds! And you are right Minnie, he does need it spelt out for him.

I guess part of it is that he sees it as two hobby days in three years. I KNOW that if I let it go it will be more than that and I am not playing second best to a hobby.

About six months ago I had to attend a family funeral and my dh was left home alone with our ds for two days, he was a different man after that. I certainly don't think he thought I was having lots of coffee mornings. I think he has forgotten.

It is so frustrating. He is a good man, a good provider and a lovely person. He is just a bit lot short sighted about this.

I guess I will have to keep plugging away.

Thanks you everyone. Any other nuggets of wisdom would be more than welcome.