Partner does more for his mum than for out baby and I..

[Misscraftalot]

When I met my partner a few years back we lived about 60 miles apart. We bought a house together after dating for a year and I moved up to his area, away from my friends and family to make it easy for him to get to work.

We now have a 6 month old daughter and I am on maternity leave.

Prior to meeting me he bought a house and paid for it outright and allows his mother to live in it rent free.

Basically now we can't afford our bills and partner says we have to sell up.

I have a decent job but I work so far from where I live and no family to help with childcare. I'd only earn about £20 a day after all the expense of getting there and daughter's nursery. I've been desperately trying to work out what to do and looking at new jobs etc.

Partner has taken a pay cut in the last year and doesn't look for any other jobs to try and stop us losing our home.

So I asked him about charging his mum rent or seeing if she could get a council house again so that we could keep out home.

He point blank refuses to ask her for money and says we will just lose our home. He'd rather her have a home than his daughter, but she'd be able to get housing benefit/live with her partner.

So am I unreasonable? It's so upsetting that he puts our baby second :(

We've never missed any payments in the mortgage but it's easy to see we won't be able to maintain paying it all.
We definitely are ok with payments to date as I do all the banking.
Just got to look after my bubs and get out. Thank you for making me see that it's not all my fault and I'm not out of order!!

If she is living in a property that OP's dp owns, there will not be any inheritance tax or carehome fees because she does not own it. If she used to own it, but has given it to him, it still counts as her property unless she is paying a market rent. This is because you can't give away an asset you are still using.

She would not be able to get housing benefit to cover rent on this property, because dp, as landlord, is a family member. She would have to move. Depending on where she lives, social housing is in very short supply. Your dp would probably have to go through a formal eviction process to make her homeless before the council would rehouse her.

I really sympathise with your position, OP, but it's unhelpful to put it into such stark terms - he is putting his mother in front of our daughter. etc. Perhaps he thinks that you as a family will be able to cope but it will be too much of an upheaval for his mother in her old age. How long do you think the shortfall will last? Would a second job for him pay the bills? How long could your dp's mother afford to help out? On a basic state pension she might not have much surplus income and she wouldn't get help with rent if living in a family member's property.

Hard for both of you, but I think you might be underestimating the problem from his point of view.

I'd get the house in the market pronto before it starts getting to be a real financial strain.
Then when sold, leave.
You need to do what is best for your child, even if he is not.
Try and separate all the other finances too. You don't want to end up subsidising his mother anymore.

Just awful Op
Wish you and dd all the best

Huge consensus on this thread, and like redexpat my first ever LTB.

You can't let your child grow up knowing her father doesn't put her first, and her mother tolerates it.

She never owned the house first. He bought it and just let's her live in it. She gets state pension, gets a nhs pension and apparently has savings.
She's not that old. She could easily move or help us out or get a job herself!
He wouldn't consider a second job.
I think my decision is made at last...
He really is a twat isn't he!!

He does not have to worry. He owns the house, so he does not care whether you (and his child) enjoys home ownership and security as long as HE has security.

Speaks volumes that he sees his mum and brother as 'real' family and you and DD as somehow inferior. Sounds like you're already looking at things from a practical perspective. Keep it up! Your reasons for leaving can be largely practical too - your current set-up is simply not sustainable and he has made his feelings perfectly clear - they are more important than you. You will therefore take reasonable steps to do what he refuses to do - and that is put your DD first. Good luck.

Yes he is a twat who doe sent care less. Think of number 1 first now, and get you and dd out now! He would rather keep his mum in the extravagant lifestyle she is in, then prevent his dd and dp becoming homeless. He would rather you be in a worse situation than his mum, nice!

This makes no sense.

There must be more to the story.

However you have to make your own decision based on what is best for you.

Unfortunately for you house is his, bought before you were together and you are not married.

So he can do what he likes with it.

It is very strange that he would rather be homeless with his dp and dd, than change the current circumstances. people are very odd.

Maybe you do not know all the details... Hence there might be a great reason why his mother is living rent free whilst you r loosing your home. However, the experience shows that his mum is his partner , not you . Know it first hand , and it is not something that will not change - not easily, did not for me. I am too long in it, so do not know my options, you though need to say it strait to him.. See his reaction n make the decision then .