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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner does more for his mum than for out baby and I..

63 replies

Misscraftalot · 07/02/2014 17:30

When I met my partner a few years back we lived about 60 miles apart. We bought a house together after dating for a year and I moved up to his area, away from my friends and family to make it easy for him to get to work.

We now have a 6 month old daughter and I am on maternity leave.

Prior to meeting me he bought a house and paid for it outright and allows his mother to live in it rent free.

Basically now we can't afford our bills and partner says we have to sell up.

I have a decent job but I work so far from where I live and no family to help with childcare. I'd only earn about £20 a day after all the expense of getting there and daughter's nursery. I've been desperately trying to work out what to do and looking at new jobs etc.

Partner has taken a pay cut in the last year and doesn't look for any other jobs to try and stop us losing our home.

So I asked him about charging his mum rent or seeing if she could get a council house again so that we could keep out home.

He point blank refuses to ask her for money and says we will just lose our home. He'd rather her have a home than his daughter, but she'd be able to get housing benefit/live with her partner.

So am I unreasonable? It's so upsetting that he puts our baby second :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscraftalot · 07/02/2014 18:07

Sorry what's LTB?

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscraftalot · 07/02/2014 18:08

Oh I gotcha!

OP posts:
Morgause · 07/02/2014 18:10

I agree with those who say she's put it in his name to avoid having to pay for care.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 07/02/2014 18:17

Are you married? Cos if you were and divorced, it would be one of the assets and you would get half of the sale proceeds. It sounds like he really doesn't see the three of you as a family unit. Time to leave...

Original poster
Misscraftalot · 07/02/2014 18:17

Before all this came up when I first met him he told me how he'd bought that house. They really don't think that far ahead. She is very manipulating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscraftalot · 07/02/2014 18:19

Noooo wouldn't marry him!! Shame though as it would've been funny to get the house in the end lol!
He said when I was pregnant that his mum and brother were his real family. Not me and bubs.
God he really is a shit!!

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2013 · 07/02/2014 18:30

Oh dear - it sounds as if he (and his mother) really don't care much for you and your baby at all Sad

In all honesty, you'd be better off leaving with your little girl - you both deserve much better!!

Can you investigate whether you are entitled to any tax credits on your own salary?

Any benefits e.g. housing benefit?

Can you look in your area at the sort of rent you would need to pay?

Can you find cheaper childcare for your return to work? Childminder might be cheaper than nursery?
If it could work financially you could move out?

Otherwise - what do you do for a living? Can you get a job closer to your family and stay with them for a while until you get sorted?

Very good luck to you xx

Clutterbugsmum · 07/02/2014 18:34

I'd be looking at moving back nearer your family and job. You have nothing to lose by it.

whatever5 · 07/02/2014 18:36

It doesn't sound like he cares about you and his daughter. If he refuses to charge his mother rent despite the fact that you will lose your home, I would make plans to move out. Can you get a job nearer your parents as at least you could get some help with childcare and accommodation.

CoolaSchmoola · 07/02/2014 18:38

If my DH did this to us I'd be gone. My dd does not play second fiddle to anyone, end of story.

Original poster
Misscraftalot · 07/02/2014 18:42

Thank you everyone. I can't imagine how anyone could put their child in this situation just so as to not upset their mother!!
I think I'm going to see about moving closer to my family. It's so upsetting I can't see how I can forgive this.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 07/02/2014 19:02

He said when I was pregnant that his mum and brother were his real family. Not me and bubs

Well that says it all doesn't it.

What a terrible thing to say. You and your child will never be a priority in his life. If that's not a reason to get out I don't know what is.

petalsandstars · 07/02/2014 19:17

Make plans for yourself and ltb, he will have to pay for his DD and you can get your own place. He won't put you or her first so you need to.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 07/02/2014 19:32

Get out now. Look at moving close to your family again, look into HB if you're not in a position to rent yourself, and make sure you go the formal route for getting maintenance for your DC, because you can guarantee he will not pay you willingly.

rainraingoAWAYNEVERCOMEBACK · 07/02/2014 19:51
  • I can't imagine how anyone could put their child in this situation just so as to not upset their mother!!

And now you know the situation I hope you don't put your daughter through it.

Just make cool and calm plans to move closer to your family, do you have good family support will they helpyou, emotionally, with baby,financially and so on

rainraingoAWAYNEVERCOMEBACK · 07/02/2014 19:52

For me its not just the rent issues its the all round lack of care, there are many ways to skin a cat....

Melonbreath · 07/02/2014 19:56

He's a twat

Quinteszilla · 07/02/2014 19:57

He is an idiot, and you will be much better off without him.

I suggest you move closer to your family, as you will have to sell up anyway.

But be smart about this, get a cheap rental nearby first, let him be on the lease alone, and just leave when you have get what you are due regards the deposit of your house.

Good luck.

Quinteszilla · 07/02/2014 19:58

Or, if you know you will get your half back, just leave and instruct a solicitor on your behalf.

ENormaSnob · 07/02/2014 19:59

Oh fgs leave the mummy fucking loser....

HopeS01 · 07/02/2014 20:02

Look after yourself and your baby.
He can look after himself and his mother.

Sorry OP, but this is not a good situation!

redexpat · 07/02/2014 20:04

My first ever LTB.

Leave before he makes you homeless. Do this.

Wishfulmakeupping · 07/02/2014 20:07

He's a selfish prick and so is his mum I'm sorry OP :(

onetiredmummy · 07/02/2014 20:15

Do you have financial transparency with the monthly bills op?

Are you taking his word for it that you have to sell? Usually that is the very very last resort...have you satisfied your own mind that the debts exist and the only way is to sell?

Are you sure the house isn't about to be repossessed and he is lying?

Are you sure he isn't lying about any of this ?

MrsAmaretto · 07/02/2014 20:26

I agree with Onetiredmummy.

You need to be very wise about the financial side so as you don't end up with a bad credit history. But basically get your house in order, make cool calm plans, find out what tax credits etc you are entitled to & suggest he goes to visit mummy then up sticks and leave.

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