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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is unfair of my DH to spend this amount of time on his hobby

119 replies

isthisactuallyfair · 07/02/2014 16:37

In the past couple of years my DH has become obsessed with marathons. He ran a marathon last year which meant he spent most weekends in the build up running and not with me and our dc's. He would often go running in the evenings as well so all the putting the children to bed, getting dinner etc fell to me. I supported him in this especially as he said that once he'd completed a marathon that was it he wouldn't need to do another one.

However, he has now signed up to do another marathon this year which means that he is spending two evenings a week after work running, running every Saturday and Sunday (up to two/three hours at at a time) and has just told me that this Saturday he is spending the day at the marathon venue training so he will be out of the house from 7am til 7pm (it a long drive there and back) oh and for good measure he is going to Portugal for a week for marathon training with a group of friends from his running club next month.

I can't stand it. I am SAHM so this means that I spend 24/7 with the dcs (7, 3 and 1) during the week as he works long hours and is never home before 8pm so I expect him to want to help look after his own dc at weekends rather than spend it pursuing his passion. In fairness I am going to the cinema with friends on Sunday so will have time to myself but just feel he is spending so much time doing what he wants and leaving me to do the majority of bringing up our children.

The 3 year old is particularly challening at the moment and I am finding things a real struggle. The thought of spending an entire day on my own with them all tomorrow makes me feel quite down. I am seriously wondering whether DH actually cares about us at all - he just seems obsessed with his running.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PanicMode · 07/02/2014 18:31

Good luck - hope you get something constructive out of it and that he can see how unfair he's being.

kaizen · 07/02/2014 18:32

I haven't got kids and do triathlon training and long distance swimming- it takes up most of my week and is one reason I wouldn't have a partner unless they did it too, as it's not fair on them. I get really fucked off on behalf of 'running, tri, ironman widows' as I swim with the blokes in the morning- all triathletes, all married with women having to mop up the household/child care stuff. They all grumble about what their "allowed to do" by their partners.

From what I've seen , men get all the chances to express themselves through sport without assuming that their partners might want to do it too. Leave them with the kids and come swimming, running or whatever. Sorry, rant over - good luck with the chat Smile

mouldyironingboard · 07/02/2014 19:08

My ex spent all his free time on hobbies when our DC were small and we ended up getting divorced.

You need to tell your DH that you are very unhappy and things have to change. Would he listen to a counsellor or close family member if he doesn't listen to you? i hope he will take you seriously otherwise the relationship isn't likely to survive long term.

HopefulHamster · 07/02/2014 19:29

Definitely make sure you don't miss the party.

Bonzodoodah · 07/02/2014 19:32

Oh good luck talking to DP. Explain to him how you want some life too. Not just a 24/7 childcare job.

theimposter · 07/02/2014 19:40

At least he hasn't got into triathlon... Bankrupting in terms of time and money... Agree with whoever said 2 long runs at weekend is too much too close together

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 07/02/2014 19:48

Ot is such a mid life crisis thing as well. In the 80s it was a red sports car and affair with the secretary.

These days all blokes approaching 40 seem to either run or cycle, mainly for ego charity....

paxtecum · 07/02/2014 19:57

He's just escaping from the family, but because it is running and not sitting in the pub then he thinks it should be ok.

He is being incredibly selfish centred and even obsessive.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 07/02/2014 19:57

But presumably it's not just about you having "all or nothing" i.e. you look after the kids on your own nearly all the time, except a couple of hours when both he and the kids are out? You might like to spend some time all together? How much time do you two spend together, awake, (with or without kids present) in the average week do you think?

I think he may have mistaken you for someone who has nothing else in their life other than caring for his needs and those of his children.

You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable to detect bullshit when he thinks his 2 hours alone with the children is balanced with your - what, 80 or 90 hours alone with them every week? Unless his time is 45 times more valuable than his of course.

If he doesn't get what the problem is, I would start leaving the house just as he's about to go out at the weekend. Maybe be ready and then if he starts getting ready to go out without checking it's ok with you, while he's getting changed just call out "just popping round to X's!" and then depart for a few hours leaving him with the kids. What would happen do you think?

ginmakesitallok · 07/02/2014 19:59

You are not being unreasonable. My dp runs too. Did a half marathon last week, signed up for an ultra in a couple of weeks, then has another couple of halfs and a full marathon later in the year. But he trains by running to and from work, and rarely runs in the evenings or at weekends, so it's only on race days when we don't see him

kaizen · 07/02/2014 20:00

forum.slowtwitch.com/Slowtwitch_Forums_C1/Triathlon_Forum_F1/Letter_from_an_Ironman_widow_P1911055/

This link to a post above is interesting and sad too- as are the replies that she gets. I realise the situation isn't that bad OP and he's not gone down the road of triathlon, as is said above, it's bankrupting in terms of time and money.

theimposter · 07/02/2014 20:01

I like the way Fiscal said she dealt with her situation. Also I wouldn't worry about affairs or anything like that. The tri guys I know are obsessive about training and it is all about boasts about who has done what race, what time, how long, ate the best etc. Boring as hell, very addictive and am glad I left my club which now has hardly any women and a bunch of testosterone fuelled, diet obsessed dicks who as Kaizen mentioned compete as to who's beleaguered wife lets them spend the most time and money on their hobby. There are exceptions but most get exercise addicted and lots of divorces happen. Nip it in the bud and tell him to get a proper training plan where sessions are more spread out with one longer run a week not two. Unless he is Mo Farah it is too much. (He might think he is Mo though...)

theimposter · 07/02/2014 20:02

Oh yes, forgot; there is a proper term- MAMILs (Middle Aged Men In Lycra)

ibbydibby · 07/02/2014 20:14

isthisactuallyfair I really feel for you. My DH trained for a marathon, once, when our DS was aged 2.5 yrs. DH would come home from work and go straight out again, 2 evenings a week. And the weekends revolved around "the long run". I found it really really hard. But it was just the once. And we only had one child, at that time.

When DS2 was in Y1, I ran a marathon, worked from home, so could run in the daytime. Still did long run at weekend, because was training with a friend, and was very aware of how much my training impinged on family life. I think he is perhaps obsessed with his hobby. It does sound like he is overdoing the marathon training as someone else said wayyyyy up thread. Yes he needs downtime from work. But so do you. No helpful solutions though. Other than hide his running gear.

kaizen · 07/02/2014 20:21

The trouble is, if you are training for something, you can't really do anything after long sessions, apart from lie down or stare at the telly. I used to need a nap after a long run, so that was Sundays done with. I was bloody exhausted all the time and slept loads. Also you can't really drink the night before a training session or it affects it, so the whole of life is impacted on (im in bed at 8 after a long swim and will be tomorrow too)

He is training too much too, and wait till he's injured and grumpy.....

SlimJiminy · 07/02/2014 20:22

Good luck talking to him tonight op. I like the suggestions from Fiscal and Elephant - if talking things through doesn't work, perhaps you can try something like this?

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns · 07/02/2014 20:31

My sympathies; YANBU. My ex (we didn't live together) would go running 4 evenings per week and what with shower, dinner after etc he wouldn't see me until 9.30 pm, when he was half asleep. And at the weekend there was a 9am start on Saturdays, so no late nights / alcohol / smiling on Friday. His fitness group went for coffee after so it was home about noon. Sundays - long run...tired after...recovery exercises...too tired to go out and all that nonsense. I was really proud of him after his first marathon (he said that would be the last one) and a bit disappointed he entered the second (he said that would be the last one) and then fuming when he booked the third one overseas for my week off, when he'd promised we'd go away together.

We used to actually do stuff together eg go fell walking, go away for the weekend, go out and have some drinks but bloody running took over. I completely trust him that there was nobody else - I did have a "spy"! He was partly not that bothered about me any more, and very much obsessed with running. That's why we split - he wasn't prepared to cut it back even a bit and we had nothing in common any more, as we never did anything together. Good luck speaking to him about it.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/02/2014 21:56

I would be getting up at 5am tomorrow and be out of the house before 6. Then text to say you'll be back to discuss your marriage this evening at 7pm and until then, the children are of course his responsibility. No, you didn't think to discuss your day out with him in advance as in the wake of all the training/Portugal/out for the weekend developments, you didn't think that was the way this marriage was run anymore.

Seriously, you HAVE talked to him. It is making no difference. He is taking the piss and also seems quite happy to spend no real time having a life with either you or his children.

NewtRipley · 07/02/2014 22:12

Elephants

You are absolutely right.

deakymom · 07/02/2014 22:23

hmmm wait till he has time off then go on holiday? if he can you can its up to you if you take the kids as he leaves you with them 24/7 perhaps he needs a day or two in your shoes?

brettgirl2 · 07/02/2014 22:29

dh is a runner. He runs at 7am on sundays (yes really!) and after dinner. He also runs at lunch time. yanbu op because he is taking the piss.

Dontwanttooutmyself · 07/02/2014 22:29

I've got conflicting views on this.... I speak from experience - we have 2dc under 3, and DH is an ironman Sad.

On the one hand, it's shit and I hate it and it makes me wonder if our marriage is going to survive- all of DH's emotional energy and money goes into fucking triathlons- it's the only thing that he seems to be interested in or get enthusiastic about.

On the other hand DH and I have reached a sort of balance which I think is reasonable. I firmly believe in couples having the right to pursue hobbies away from their partners and home, even when there are young children (although I secretly wish that DH would choose not to, I do think he has the right to).

So, some of the tips/suggestions I have are:

  • discuss what training sessions are scheduled in advance at the start of each week.
  • negotiate when the best time for these sessions are- so that might mean your DH getting up early and being back by 10am, or going out after 9pm at night. Eg "it would work much better for the DC if you could get your run in early, so that we can go swimming with them. We need to leave at 10 so what time do you need to go out?"
- aim for a balance at weekends of half a day each to yourselves at the weekend, and one day for family activities. Split however works best, and acknowledging that some weekends (eg race weekends) that won't work.
  • "structure" your time off. I find I have to get out of the house for a pre-arranged activity or meeting in order for DH to "get" that I'm off-duty.

A week's holiday is fine... You can start planning your own now (and yes, he will need to use some of his annual leave or his own money to mange childcare)

AnneElliott · 07/02/2014 22:55

YANBU. I get this with DH although it is not running that is his thing. I found that I had to tell him I was out that weekend in order for him to have time with DS.

I think sometimes it's so much easier for men to opt out of family life. My DH is off work for 8 weeks and we've had words about him going out and about during the day (DS is 7) and then telling me at the weekend that he is too busy to do stuff as a family.

I think you need to tell him how much you are content to put up with and make sure he looks after all 3 kids on his own.

scallopsrgreat · 07/02/2014 23:12

Do you both have the same leisure time? (And yes his running is the way he chooses to spend his leisure time.)

No, spectacularly not!

He is completely taking the piss and being utterly unfair. I'm glad to see you getting angry OP because you should be.

kaizen · 08/02/2014 08:11

And at the weekend there was a 9am start on Saturdays, so no late nights / alcohol / smiling on Friday.

This is bloody brilliant and so true- my male friend has to be dragged for a beer one evening a week (we only plan one or two beers as we all have some sort of sport to do) but no, he has bloody water to drink, due to his training the next morning. And the sanctimonious way it's done drives me mad, and he twitches all the time, eyeing our beers up.
I just can't understand how these blokes think it's okay to go out and leave the women with the children, they are not professional athletes for god's sake.