to think it is unfair of my DH to spend this amount of time on his hobby

[isthisactuallyfair]

In the past couple of years my DH has become obsessed with marathons. He ran a marathon last year which meant he spent most weekends in the build up running and not with me and our dc's. He would often go running in the evenings as well so all the putting the children to bed, getting dinner etc fell to me. I supported him in this especially as he said that once he'd completed a marathon that was it he wouldn't need to do another one.

However, he has now signed up to do another marathon this year which means that he is spending two evenings a week after work running, running every Saturday and Sunday (up to two/three hours at at a time) and has just told me that this Saturday he is spending the day at the marathon venue training so he will be out of the house from 7am til 7pm (it a long drive there and back) oh and for good measure he is going to Portugal for a week for marathon training with a group of friends from his running club next month.

I can't stand it. I am SAHM so this means that I spend 24/7 with the dcs (7, 3 and 1) during the week as he works long hours and is never home before 8pm so I expect him to want to help look after his own dc at weekends rather than spend it pursuing his passion. In fairness I am going to the cinema with friends on Sunday so will have time to myself but just feel he is spending so much time doing what he wants and leaving me to do the majority of bringing up our children.

The 3 year old is particularly challening at the moment and I am finding things a real struggle. The thought of spending an entire day on my own with them all tomorrow makes me feel quite down. I am seriously wondering whether DH actually cares about us at all - he just seems obsessed with his running.

AIBU?

I'm so sorry OP. I hope we can help

I don't suppose he's got a female running mate has he?
My spidey senses are tingling

op when you use phrases like 'breaking point' it's definitely time to talk about how you feel. No surprise that you're angry when you're struggling with 3YO, taking care of the other 2 and he's swanning around spending his free time as he pleases. Something needs to change. Do you think shorter distances could be an option for him? He still gets to run, but the time he spends out of the house when he's training could be dramatically reduced if he was prepared to do this while the kids are still so little.

I am a runner. He is running far too much for a marathon.

One of the benefits of sport is that you feel better about yourself and you are healthier, have more energy etc etc. What use are these benefits if his wife and children don't ever see him?

Family should come first and you fit your running around that, and running is great for that.

My running took a back seat after the birth of both of my children. The youngest (and last) is nearly 5 and I've just managed to go back to club running, get longer runs in at the w/e etc. That's how it is when you have a young family.

He's being rather selfish tbh.

YANBU. He's being completely selfish and it's sad he doesn't want to spend more time with his family. It sounds very hard on you - does he realise this? Please talk to him and explain how you feel. He should scale down his running. With three kids he needs to be around for his family, not live life like a single person.

isthisactuallyfair I do actually feel at breaking point. I am on my own looking after three small children pretty much 24/7 during the week and at weekends when DH should be supporting me he is off enjoying himself knowing full well that I am struggling.

There is clearly a big(ger) problem here - particularly if you say that he knows that you need help/time . . . and still doesn't do anything.

I agree crescent

Although it's a crying shame that anyone has to do this

You are definitely right to be annoyed.
My DH is a keen cyclist, he used to go out on sundays for 5 hours. Since having children I am really happy that he realised it was not possible to stay away for such a long part of the weekend. Specially when the DC were smaller (they are 9 and 7 now) I would have gone completely crazy on my own with them all sunday.

DH now trains every morning (before work)and for a couple of hours early sunday so he is free for family time the rest of the day.

I'm so sorry for you isthis, it's not fair that you're at breaking point whilst he's out chasing his PBs ( personal Bests). FWIW I don't think he's having an affair, I have some friends whose DH's are running obsessed twats, I can easily see how he would spend that much time doing it.

I don't think this is a SAHM issue though, its a selfisharsehusband issue - and these are just as likely to occur when both parents are working.

Why don't you just tell him that you're so inspired by his running, you're going to take it up too.
So two night's a week he needs to be home by 6pm so you can go out, and on Sat and sunday you'll go running in the middle of the day when it's night and light (being you're a woman and all) and he can go in the evening once the kids are in bed.

Also, you've booked a running holiday to Portugal and are leaving the day he comes back.

If he splutters about how he's going to manage childcare/time off work etc, just explain that he didn't give you that courtesy so why should you give it to him?

Sometimes people will only see how they are treating you if you treat them in the same way.

*nice and light (& to give him quality time with the kids, obviously)

He is avoiding the family time. Leaving you alone to put 3 kids to be most nights is just pure selfishness.

Yes it's unfair, it sounds like he's lost perspective regarding it being a "hobby" and thinks he is Superman or similar, because he occasionally raises some money for charity. If he totted up the time he spent doing it he might be doing more for the charity if he just worked the extra hours and donated his wages, which just shows that the running is, in fact, all about his enjoyment and achievement.

What has he said when you've raised this with him?

I was pretty pissed off a couple of weeks ago after I'd spent all Sunday morning and afternoon at home with the dcs while he was off doing one of his 'long' runs. It's not just the run its everything that follows that takes him away from time spent with us. When he gets back from the run he has to have a long bath, do his 'core' exercises, get changed etc so it really is all consuming.

We had a long conversation where I told him how pissed off I was, how it wasn't fair to the dcs etc etc. This resulted in him taking the children to the park for a couple of hours so I could have time to myself. I think he felt by doing this he had 'done his bit' and there was no reason for me to complain. However, taking the children to the park I don't think compensates for the excessive time he spends pursuing his own self interests.

So I guess this weekend to make up for being out of the house all day tomorrow he will probably do something with the dcs for a couple of hours and will then feel exonerated. Interested to hear what people think about this? Am I unduly moaning as to be fair he is taking his children out for a couple of hours so I can have time off.

I think two evenings a week isn't too bad, but the amount of time that your DH is out at the weekends would annoy me of it was my DH. Could he not get up early and run very early in the morning say run from 6-8am and then you still have the whole day together as a family and you could grab some time to yourself then too op?

It's not enough if it's just to get you off his back. And he's not spending time with you either.

How's the rest of the relationship?

"No, that will not work for me/us"

repeat until he comprehends,

We are a very active family, we do a lot of sport, but the difference is we do together, of course we go off and do things alone, but it is balanced, neither of us dominates the leisure time.

We both work, so we all do equal amounts of house work, even when one of us has been home based doing child care, the house chores were shared,

Because if either of us were single we would still have to clean,cook and organise, so work is no excuse not to do your fair share.

and I believe if anyone is doing childcare, then that is what they are doing as a job , no different to any other job.

OP, when you married this person did you agree to just be an enabler to his life choices, or were you signing up to an equal partnership?

We both train, but we do it when it won't interfere with family life or with the children.

The thought of spending an entire day on my own with them all tomorrow makes me feel quite down.

he is going to Portugal for a week

Has he organised childcare? Did he just assume you would be available? How rude, Has he not leant that assumption is the mother of all fuck ups?

Just keep repeating ""No, that will not work for me/us"

I would get in the car and go and visit a friend at least a hundred miles away, turn up on sunday night, after the children have gone to bed, and have a sit down discussion about where assumption belongs in your relationship.

You need to stop this before you compromise yourself out of a life.

You are a doormat now, bog brush next.

I think it makes you feell alive to have a passion.

But his single-minded devotion to his means there is no space for you to be able to do your own thing.

He needs to cut it down some, and give you some time to get out alone and pursue your own passions before you lose yourself.

There is just an assumption that as I do not have a paid job (on a career break after having my youngest) I am always available on tap to look after the children. His going away for a week actually conflicts with me going to my best friends birthday party. I did tell him that I wouldn't be able to go to the party if he wasn't around (we have no family to babysit). He mumbled something about re-arranging his flight so I could go to the party. I think I will have to make sure he follows this through!

I am actually spurred on to talk to him about this tonight when he gets home, after everyone's great advice. Thank you.

Good good luck OP.

Thanks newt

Yanbu. I have sympathy but no solutions .

I had the same problem when DC were smaller, and it gave me the rage.

The only thing that worked in the end was by not always being at home when he expected us to.

Basically, I stopped counting on him for mealtimes, when ge eventually showed up I would say " oh, we have eaten. Have some toast" or in the summer I would be at friends houses or in the park (bbqs , picnics, walks) and not tell him where I was. He would often come home to an empty house. Or I would go to see family for the weekend. Or friends. Anything but sitting at home waiting for him.

I was the opposite of a martyr ( not saying you are, but I used to be), I had fun, we did not need him.

He started missing us, he did not like coming home to an empty house, he felt excluded. He made some changes ( swapped hobby for a more reasonable one.

This worked for us, though It may have led the other way, to separation, who knows?

It is hard for you to do this.

Can you get babysitters? Family to help?

Also make sure you spend the same amount of time and money on yourself as he does!!!!

Leave him with the kids for a week. Do this.

You're not being U, having so much time to yourself is quite selfish in a family situation. It's not exactly a hobby you can all share and do together!

Rather than saying 'I hate you rubbing you need to do less' try and approach it positively. 'You need to do a lot of rttaining for this marathon,eta talk about when you will be running and when you will be with your family'.

For example, long run on Saturday morning 6.30 to 9.30. Showered and with the DCs by 10 am. I think this has to become a morning hobby at weekends, and a late nighttime during the week eg out for an hour and a half from 9pm. He might not like it so much then, but then you'll know it's not about the running but about time on his own!