Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to approach dds new teacher about masturbating?

60 replies

ditsydoll · 04/02/2014 22:11

Dd is almost 5, and still doesn't get the private thing!
She sits on chairs and rubs backwards and forwards because it tickles her bum as she so nicely puts it..
Iv told her if she wants to do it she has to in her room and it's not something we do in public, she understands and then goes ahead and does it at school anyway
Shes starting a new school soon and I'm not sure if I should bring it up as an issue with her new teacher or how to even approach it or if I should just remind Dd not to do it at school.
I feel like I might have made more of a deal if her doing it before I knew it was normal when she was little and now she does it at school because she tries to hide it (I do feel awful about this and don't know how to fix it, I hope Iv not scarred her for later life)
She does it more in times of anxiety and with the move I have noticed her doing it.
Any advice?

OP posts:
ChippingInWadesIn · 05/02/2014 14:14

Everythingwillbe ok - Yes - you are being ignorant and somewhat offensive. HTH

Ditsy - don't keep 'gently reminding her it's private' unless you see her doing it, then really, unless you have visitors ignore it when you can.

School will handle it and no amount of 'gently reminding her' is going to stop her when you aren't there and will just make it a bigger deal than it is.

She is 5, it feels nice, in the same way stroking your arm might feel nice - it's not 'sexual' and it's being made into something it's not by calling it masturbating. If you stroked your arm and it felt soothing and nice, would you agree or understand why it had to be 'private'? She knows you 'think' that, but she has 'no idea why' and that's really it should be at her age. She will, in time, accept it then understand it - but in the meantime try not to let it upset you.

Everythingwillbeok · 05/02/2014 14:19

I didn't mean my comment to come across as flippant or judgemental I just nave not encountered this with any children I come into contact with.
That's why I suggested I was perhaps being ignorant.

Everythingwillbeok · 05/02/2014 14:21

I agree it's not sexual and does just feel nice.
But that's not what the poster said about her 3 DDs actually masturbating,I wouldn't use that term where children are concerned.

Ragwort · 05/02/2014 14:28

I've never heard of this either Everything & I worked for years in a play school - must lead a very sheltered life.

Pennypig · 05/02/2014 14:30

It's actually really common, I think people are just shocked because it gets confused with something sexual when it's not at all

Everythingwillbeok · 05/02/2014 14:31

So that's why it should not be referred to as masturbating maybe.

jendot · 05/02/2014 16:11

As an ex cm I can tell you the majority of babies and toddlers fiddle. It's really not something to be worried or upset about. It feels nice and they have no understanding of why they shouldn't do it.
I would just have a quiet word with the teacher so they know to distract and not to feel awkward about raising it with you.
She will soon grow out of it.

imip · 05/02/2014 17:24

everything she was 14 mths old at the time. She rubs the straps in high chair between her legs with her legs stretched out. She was in a phil and teds high chair that screws onto the table. She was attached to a circular table that was pretty flimsy and big enough to accommodate 7 people. When she rocked in her high chair, it consequently shook the table.

Before I had kids, I wouldn't have imagined this. But three out of four dds do it, they have their own ways. It is pretty common. I'd say about 20% of my friend's daughters do it.

I must say I didn't think it would be still going on a 7yo, I guess I have a lot more to learn abut parenting!

wonderingsoul · 05/02/2014 17:58

a friend was worried about his with her 4 year dd, shes do it in her bedroom. till i had heard on hear that it was pretty normal, she still freaks out, shall get her to read this.

question though.. do boy tend to do it?

i have an 8 and 5 year old, i havnt seen them do it.. youngest prefers to pull moonies or shake his but as its "funny" they dont have contact wioth their dad and im single so dont really have some to ask if its normal kind of thing?

sorry to highjack your thread op.

i would wait till they mention it, or as others have said they will have seen it all before so will know what to do,.

tiredoutgran · 05/02/2014 18:15

OMW, as the mother of 3 girls and gran of 3 girls I have to admit I have never come across this and am reading this with my jaw on the ground! It looks like you are handling it ok and go with the teacher replies I think, they know how to deal with things like this. I am still jaw dropped and OMW at some of the posts though.

Brucietheshark · 05/02/2014 18:25

Fgs, all the 'jawdropping' talk is so unhelpful and seems to be assigning some kind of naughtiness or outrageousness to behaviour from completely innocent and normal kids. Not adding anything useful at all.

I've seen this in girls and boys, nothing to get het up about and OP is handling it really well I think.

NewtRipley · 05/02/2014 18:26

Agree Brucie

whois · 05/02/2014 18:29

I did this as a small child, could make a 'funny feeling' and as people have said it's not sexual, it just felt nice.

Juliaparker25 · 05/02/2014 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thetallesttower · 05/02/2014 18:36

Some children aren't interested and others are- I must admit I was surprised by a friend's child about aged 3 doing this once, she was rather loud and having lots of fun!

I do think it's fine though to become quite firm around the age 4/5 about what is private and what is not- my girls would love to run around without pants on, but that's not acceptable beyond a certain stage- pants on, not fiddling with self in public. It does take a while for some children to stop though- surely if they were boys you wouldn't be surprised many had a quick fiddle when nervous or because it's nice?

BrightonMama · 05/02/2014 19:09

Ditsy - don't know if this would help you, but I remembered reading an advice column in the guardian about just this problem and have dug it out.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/may/09/your-problems-child-masturbation

The advice given is useful - but do also have a read further down at the comments, particularly those by the poster called 'Cress' as she used to do the rubbing thing at school when she was a child.

anewyear · 05/02/2014 19:33

Ok,
I did, up to the age of 9ish, on the side of a table,
it felt nice, I grew out of it.
my Ds1 used to 'wobble', his words, rocking from side to side on the floor, it felt nice. Hes 15 now, he grew out of it a good few years ago.
We had a child at Pre School last year, who did this, it feels nice, he will most prob'ly grow out of it.
it more common than you would think.

floatyflo · 05/02/2014 19:51

In answer to the poster that asked if boys do it too, of course they do!! Its most def not just a girls thing.

paxtecum · 05/02/2014 20:07

Thank you for this thread.
My DGD does this and has to be told it is private.
I'm glad to see that it is normal behaviour.

KateMoose · 05/02/2014 21:41

Aah, the Phil and Ted's screw on high chair. DD had one and she once spent a whole Xmas dinner aged 2 doing the exact same thing. Except the table didn't shake as it was a bit more sturdy. She's now 3.4 and does it in the car against her 5 point harness.

For anyone prudish, read Brave New World. It demonstrates how much of a normal stage of childhood this is (the rest of the book is wacko).

babybarrister · 05/02/2014 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatsonyourplate · 05/02/2014 22:07

My dd did this from when she was tiny. It took me ages to realise what she was doing Blush . She's nine now and I don't remember seeing her do it for a couple of years, and when she did it was always when she was tired.

Snatchoo · 05/02/2014 23:20

I've only got boys and I don't remember doing it myself as a child, but I'm guessing this would be on a par with willy fiddling? Over or under pants Grin

I only ask because I would never have described it as masturbating, or even thought to mention it to the teachers.

I wouldn't mention it tbh. Teachers see loads of little kids every day and I bet most of em do this.

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 06/02/2014 04:23

I never did this as a child, and I was unaware that others did until I saw this post, however once I read it, it has jogged my memory.
One of the girls in my class at school was teased mercilessly, especially by the boys, for touching her genitals. I have absolutely no recollection of ever noticing her doing it, but clearly someone had.
I never gave it a second thought as at that age there certainly were no sexual connotations for me, but she must have been doing what some of you describe your DDs doing. In fact, probably more worrying is the fact that those boys made such a big deal of it at that age - I don't think my DS would even notice tbh!!!

For the same reasons as "cress" who commented on the Guardian article, you need to do as you are doing with the whole public/ private thing. It's not a shameful thing to do at all, and you are right not to make it that way, but you made
Me remember how much that girl suffered the taunts of a group of boys, and it lasted well into the years of secondary school. I wouldn't want my child to ever be in that position if I could do anything to stop it.

imip · 06/02/2014 05:31

I feel quite relieved that others have had similar experiences. Was feeling like a bit of a freak when I was only trying to show op that it was normal.

Fwiw, table was a small circular table that had been 'extended' by attatching a much bigger piece of circular ply wood. We spent the evening trying to stick napkins under the leg of the table to stabilise it, but it didnt work.

For those who did it, I'm assuming you stopped at some point? Or at least kept it very quiet?

The only reason I'd mention it to a teacher was if you thought she was doing it a lot in public, and she needed help in establishing that school was not private. In the vein of suggestions upthread, 'sit nicely, hands on knees'.