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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH to do it himself?

34 replies

YouPutYourRightArmIn · 03/02/2014 22:24

Wanking that is.

Our sex life has plummeted since I was pg with dd who is now 2. I breasted til dd was 18 mths and it was only after that that I felt remotely sexual again. Got my "mojo" back and am now pg with dc2. Sex drive plummeted again.

Now all through this DH has been pretty patient. No pressure but he does get very grumpy of he doesn't "release" every few days. I understand its a bit more physical for men than for women, that there is a build-up etc etc. and whilst DH maintains he doesn't expect me to do it for him he takes no responsibility for doing it himself.

If we've had a cozy few days (ie affectionate, feeling in love, no bickering etc etc) then I'm happy to do it and its a genuine act of love; I want to do something nice for him and want him to feel nice and I enjoy it too. But when either of us is grumpy/tired/fed up I find it hard to want to do it... It's feels functional rather than loving.

So AIBU to tell him to do it himself during those functional times?? Or am I being selfish? Should a man rely on his wife for all his sexual needs or should he take matters into his own hands when the need arises? that last sentence feels like something Carrie from SATC would write in one of her columns

OP posts:
Joysmum · 03/02/2014 22:31

I don't have a problem with my DH 'self servicing' if I'm not there/up for it, as long as it doesn't affect our sex life. So I agree with you. Sex should be an expression of love, not duty.

Original poster
YouPutYourRightArmIn · 03/02/2014 22:36

Grin self-service

I don't want to drive him to find it elsewhere but surely it's his responsibility to make sure he's "releasing" when he needs to, not mine. By all means it can be a joint effort for pleasure, but for those functional times??

OP posts:
MooMaid · 03/02/2014 22:38

Personally, I don't think a man should reply on his partner/wife for all his sexual needs. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself as long as you're comfortable in the way that he does it.

Surely, it'll take the pressure off of everyone if he's satisfied from getting a release and you're happy because you don't feel guilty?

MooMaid · 03/02/2014 22:39

....and I don't mean going elsewhere - to coin the phrase Grin through self-service!

ApacheIndian · 03/02/2014 22:42

YANBU

I can't believe this kind of thing. There is absolutely NO obligation on you to do ANYTHING, least of all anything if a sexual nature. Same goes for him.

MostWicked · 03/02/2014 22:42

Is he seriously not having a wank by himself?
Of course he needs to take care of himself for the time being.

SelectAUserName · 03/02/2014 22:43

Actually it's a complete myth that there's a "build-up". Unused sperm is reabsorbed into the body.

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2014 22:47

He probably does do it himself...it probably just feels better when you do it so he pretends he doesn't.

Are you sure it's the pregnancies and breast feeding and not a lack of 'alone' time?

Do you have anyone to mind the kids so you can get a night out together?

Original poster
YouPutYourRightArmIn · 03/02/2014 22:48

He reckons he struggles on his own. And to be fair doesn't have much alone time in which to do it, and says it would be weird to do it on his own with me there but not joining in.

He doesn't put me under any pressure. It's just something I think he should do to relieve his own pressure!!

He's gone to sleep in a bit if a silk tonight and whilst I feel like I'm being a bit stubborn/selfish I'm standing my ground; I want him to get in the habit of doing it when he needs it but is t going to get it from me!

OP posts:
Hassled · 03/02/2014 22:48

What Select said. He won't explode if he doesn't orgasm every few days, or even ever. It's not like a balloon being blown up.

He sounds staggeringly selfish. You don't.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2014 22:50

YY - the need to release or your balls will explode/drop off is crap. You are not there to service his needs irrespective of if you are in the mood or not. You do recognise how deeply disrespectful he is being by putting you under pressure and trying to guilt you into doing what makes him feel good even when you don't want to.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2014 22:52

Sulking is putting you under pressure! It's also a deeply unattractive trait in a partner.

Original poster
YouPutYourRightArmIn · 03/02/2014 22:52

He's really not pressuring me. It's more that he doesn't take responsibility for it himself. I think it's a small but subtle difference.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2014 22:56

But why do you think it's your responsibility? Where have you got that idea?

ApacheIndian · 03/02/2014 23:08

That's not a small or subtle difference!

It's the difference between a man who is respectful and one who isn't.

Jolleigh · 03/02/2014 23:36

Sorry OP, slightly confused. Do you feel pressured simply because he's not doing it himself or is he actually pressuring you?

MBT1987 · 03/02/2014 23:43

I know this might sound odd, but have you tried helping him in ways that aren't just doing it for him? Lie with him when he does it, kiss his neck, let him know that you're enjoying watching, maybe even caress his...

I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, right... He may not be feeling sexy. There's a difference between needing to release, and wanting to take some pleasure. If it stops being sexy, and just becomes a chore, it may cause him more problems.

Does he ever want to do something for you? (and I mean solely for you, as opposed to "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, you're going to love this... And I'm spent!"?)

Anomaly · 04/02/2014 07:05

So you've either been pregnant or breastfeeding during these droughts. So a good reason for you not to want sex. Your DH should have quietly sorted himself out. Ive been in the same position and my DH would never have dreamed of asking me to sort him. I presume he sorted himself or went without. It just sounds so wrong I can just imagine your 'to do list' with sort dh out amongst your other chores. So very romantic!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/02/2014 07:46

He's not going to explode, there is no build up.

I had an ex-bf like this. He used to moan if I didn't want sex that I had to help him out as you know, it built up and he needed the release else he just couldn't function (complete rubbish). Every fucking day this turned in to! Every day i woke up with him wanting me to help him out. I ended up totally resenting him for it, it was a chore. Should have told him where his hand was and to get on with it.

NeoFaust · 04/02/2014 08:03

It's not a physical need, that he can wank away; the emotional need, that he needs your hand with.

If you want him to feel happy and secure in your love for him, show him your love. If you want him to feel insecure, ugly and rejected, then don't.

Read some of the thread on here from women in sexless marriages. Do you want your husband to feel this way?

Melonbreath · 04/02/2014 08:11

Yanbu.
tell him you'll allow him to have an affair with Mrs palm and her five lovely daughters.

helloeverything · 04/02/2014 08:17

I don't think it's a case of men need this, women need that - plenty of women with higher sex drives than their dh.
I would feel slightly excluded if dh got on with it by himself on a regular basis!
Is he sulking or does he feel rejected? I've felt rejected in the past when I've wanted it more than DH.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/02/2014 08:42

The OP is pregnant and has a toddler I imagine she is utterly knackered, yet there are posters taking about loveless marriage and rejection. What about a DH who recognises that right now his wife is physically struggling recognises that she might need a break and that he can look after his own needs for a bit.

Joysmum · 04/02/2014 08:54

Get him a Fleshlight. I got my hubby the vibrating one for when he works away.

Tbh, there may be not need in some peoples eyes, but I personally, and I'm female, like to be satisfied at least every few days myself and feel better for it. It's better and easier for me, and us, if that's with my husband. If it's not with my husband then sex toys are great which is why I got him one for when I'm not around as fair's fair Grin

Of course, there are a lot of sex toy haters so I don't expect this advice will be agreed with by everyone Wink

NeoFaust · 04/02/2014 10:39

helloeverything

That's exactly the point - he's not 'sulking' to get something, he's probably (if he's like most of the men I know) actively depressed and unhappy over his wife regarding him as unattractive or a burden.

The same way a woman probably would if the situation was reversed.

What's building up isn't a physical pressure - it's an urgent need for reassurance and an indication that you care for him as more than just a sperm donor or income provider. Even the most minor willing participation can be enough - a good hard snog while he handles (heh) the actual effort does wonders.