To have told DH to do it himself?

[YouPutYourRightArmIn]

Wanking that is.

Our sex life has plummeted since I was pg with dd who is now 2. I breasted til dd was 18 mths and it was only after that that I felt remotely sexual again. Got my "mojo" back and am now pg with dc2. Sex drive plummeted again.

Now all through this DH has been pretty patient. No pressure but he does get very grumpy of he doesn't "release" every few days. I understand its a bit more physical for men than for women, that there is a build-up etc etc. and whilst DH maintains he doesn't expect me to do it for him he takes no responsibility for doing it himself.

If we've had a cozy few days (ie affectionate, feeling in love, no bickering etc etc) then I'm happy to do it and its a genuine act of love; I want to do something nice for him and want him to feel nice and I enjoy it too. But when either of us is grumpy/tired/fed up I find it hard to want to do it... It's feels functional rather than loving.

So AIBU to tell him to do it himself during those functional times?? Or am I being selfish? Should a man rely on his wife for all his sexual needs or should he take matters into his own hands when the need arises? that last sentence feels like something Carrie from SATC would write in one of her columns

"He reckons he struggles on his own."

How on earth did he get by when he was single?

Thank you neo you seem to understand that him getting grumpy does not equal him pressuring me!!

Problem is when he's grumpy I don't feel like snogging him!!

And well as for struggling he was 22 when we got together, he's now 35! He feels a bit of a weirdo skulking off for a wank, just prefers that I do it!!

Although neo I hasten to add that I don't find him in attractive or a burden!!

So how do you feel when he gets grumpy?

You are not being unreasonable.

But I know what you mean re grumpy . My dh is always nicer when we have had sex. He treats me the same but it feels more genuine after DTD!

My compromise was to snog him and talk dirty when he wanks

RightArmIn Oh, I'm sure you don't see him as a burden. I'm also sure he's rationally aware that you still are attracted to and caring for him, but sex makes it real on an emotional level.

One of the feminist narratives that many men have unfortunately absorbed (and leads to much automatic anti-feminist reaction) is the idea that their natural desires are always an imposition on victimised women. It leads to this horrible spiral of insecurity when regular sex is disrupted, even when there is really no basis for it. "Does she really want sex with me? Is she only doing it because of duty/fear/gender roles? She's stopped - will she ever want to start again?Do I have a right to feel so horrible?" Even the most rational man gets scared of losing the person he loves in this fashion and fear makes men grouchy at the very least.

He probably does do it himself...it probably just feels better when you do it so he pretends he doesn't.

Thanks again neo - it's such a delicate balance on both sides isn't it? He must feel somewhat rejected and has said he feels worried my sex drive is normal and his isn't and that he's on the verge of being a sexpest! I've tried to reassure him that it's me with the low sex drive and him with the normal.

I suppose I feel bad saying he's not taking responsibility for it, it's just that it gets him down that we're not evenly matched at the mo.

It sounds to me like you are both already handling this extremely well - he's anxious to avoid pressuring you, you're anxious to avoid hurting him. As long as you both have a commitment to the others happiness there isn't much that can go wrong.

If I could offer one piece of advice, it's that you try and initiate some sexual behaviour at some point. Not the full thing, or even a helping hand - if you're not up for it, there's no point. But a big spontaneous snog, a quick squeeze of the crotch and whispering in the ear "Not very soon - but soon" can give a guy the kind of hope that carries him through the difficult times.