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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be panicking about DH going to USA?

44 replies

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 21:19

Dh asked me months ago about him going to states for a work conference. His boss said it would be good for him and would raise his profile in the company. I said fine, it seemed so long away.

Now its almost time for him to go and I am panicking. I don't like being on my own. I didn't like it when he used to work nights either. I get panicky if he is 10 minutes later home from work, I think that he may have had an accident or something.

I know its irrational, and I am currently seeing a counsellor for depression and anxiety (not related to this) but the closer it gets, the more I am feeling panicky about it. The idea is really freaking me out. I know its good for his job and I wouldn't stop him going but I am going to be on my own with the kids for nearly 6 days. He's never been away for that long before. I am really not going to cope well with it come next week and its time for him to go.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 03/02/2014 21:36

Can someone stay with you?

rubyslippers · 03/02/2014 21:39

It's very hard

My DH is away a lot

I try to have a friend over one night, plan stuff to do at home so I am busy and not feeling antsy

DH always calls or texts each night he's away so i know he's ok

What bit are you worried about? Are your kids very young?

sparklyma · 03/02/2014 21:45

Sorry to be harsh but you need to get over it. Adults need to be able to function alone. That's life! Sorry.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 03/02/2014 21:48

What about all the Armed Forces families, families where one partner works offshore, abroad or on a ship? They cope. They have to.

You'll be fine. He'll be fine.

Original poster

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 21:50

Thanks sparkly. I'll be sure to tell my counsellor that my high levels of anxiety have all been cured because someone told me to just get over it.

I can't get someone to stay unfortunately. My kids are 3 and 6 so not too bad an age, I am planning thing for the week so I am not sat around waiting. I just have this fear that he won't come back, that he'll have an accident of something and i'll end up alone.

Maybe a good time to mention that the counseling is because my mum abandoned me when I was 4. Pretty sure its where it stems from

OP posts:

Original poster

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 21:51

Moose, that's exactly why I always said I would never go out with anyone from the forces. My brother is in it and that's bad enough.

OP posts:

PleaseNoScar · 03/02/2014 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlessedAssurance · 03/02/2014 21:55

How many kids and how old are they?. My DH is also going away soon after DC 2 is born and it is not for work. 10 of his closest childhood friends are going and i could not bear it if he was gonna stay at home just because i had a new born. I have DC1 who will 4 and new born. If i can not be alone with my kids for a few days then i have a problem. One reason i ordered him to go was i wanted to see how i would cope left by myself..

It will be hard yes, but 6 days is not much. You will be fine. Ask him to maybe call you every night before you go to bed or text just so you know he is fine. Dh always calls when away whether its one day or more. Invite a friend to come over if you have any that are available. Good luck.

Helpyourself · 03/02/2014 21:55

That's not helpful sparkly
CB plan ahead. If your dcs are preschool can you visit friends or family? If not see if anyone can stay the odd night and perhaps organise some treats.
Fwiw DH has spent about a quarter of our married life away. I don't mind, never have, but I have had many paralysing anxiety episodes around other things, so I really admire you for getting help via counselling.

Triliteral · 03/02/2014 21:56

I'm sure you will manage. It seems very daunting I'm sure and I hope you get help from the counsellor. To echo CailinDana, can someone stay with you. I know my parents have stayed with my sister when her husband has been away. It sounds like it might be important for your husband, so if you can hold it together and let him go without worrying him, then you will have a reason to feel truly proud of yourself.

StillaChocoholic · 03/02/2014 21:56

I'm a forces wife and I sympathise. I hate when people go well what about this or that. Are you not allowed to miss someone you love?
When you're living with someone you get so used to them being there so even if they are away just for a night it is hard.
Try and keep yourself busy and at least the countdown to him being home is only a week so not long (although will feel like forever at first).

Triliteral · 03/02/2014 21:58

Sorry for the crossed-post mentioning your parents.

BlessedAssurance · 03/02/2014 21:59

Ok, OP i get where you are coming from. Your kids are not that small, thank your lucky stars for that. He will come back and he is going to be fine. Keep yourself busy while he is away, it will help..

sparklyma · 03/02/2014 22:01

You are a parent. You have to cope. Sorry if you don't like that. I have anxiety in social situations but I have to force my way through it as Im an adult and you can't guarantee you'll always have someone there to support you.

BlessedAssurance · 03/02/2014 22:01

crapbag think of the i missed you horribly sex you are going to enjoy when he gets back. That is why my DH is being sent away gratefully..

bigbadbarry · 03/02/2014 22:02

Yeah it's tough - my DH is away a lot and hopeless at texting even sometimes: I have done the panic. But as somebody up thread said, when you get through it - and of course you will because what choice is there? how proud you can be. On a purely practical note, make sure you have plenty of milk etc because if you run out once the children are in bed you are stuck. And if it is likely to happen again focus really bloody hard on setting up some local support. When he is here my house is full of other people's kids so that I don't feel guilty if I call in a few favours when he is away.

HorsePetal · 03/02/2014 22:03

You have my sympathy - my DH is away a lot. He's not in the forces but spent about 4.5 months away in total last year.

When DC's were young it was hard. It's still hard now at times but we manage.

I know it's tough but you need to stop panicking and wondering IF you will cope and instead start planning HOW you will cope.

I used to focus on the advantages - sofa/bed/remote control to myself in the evening. Maybe a slushy movie or a pudding with a glass of wine without feeling guilty or having to share

Your anxiety will pass in time (because it has to) in the meantime plan ahead and drop some very loud hints about duty free shopping on his return home

Original poster

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 22:05

I know he will be fine, I know I will cope. That's the rational part of me, she talks sense and I understand it. Its just this annoying 'what if' 'what if' part of me. Did help when DH mentioned about his boss bringing up the subject of if anything happened to DH (at all, not this trip) I wouldn't have access to his accounts because they would be frozen. All of our banking is separate and I am a SAHM.

I also have a long term illness and he does help out a lot. I have made plans, dd is going to sleep at my nans one night, i'll go there for tea a couple of nights, mornings will be the worse as that's when he helps the !most by getting up with them then not waking me until he has to leave for work. They are early risers and mornings are my worse time of day.

I know I can get through it, just that small nagging part that's making me worry. The panic has subsided a bit by getting it off my chest on here.

OP posts:

roundtable · 03/02/2014 22:07

Hmn at the get over it posts.

I have a husband who travels a lot. It's hard. I find getting out during the day helps then home, bath, bed. If he's away for a weekend, try to organise something with a friend or family in advance.

Weekends are often family time and that's when I notice it the most. Keeping busy is always the key for me.

Hope the time goes quickly and make sure you preorder something nice from duty free for your husband to bring home!

bigbadbarry · 03/02/2014 22:09

Agree weekends are the worst. Weeks are busy and people are more available and you have your routine. Weekends, everybody is doing fun family stuff. Kids cinema is good :)

FutTheShuckUp · 03/02/2014 22:09

Where in the country are you? I'd come and keep you company if you are near me

CailinDana · 03/02/2014 22:10

If you are ill and there's nobody to help then he can't leave. There will be other opportunities when you're well.

Original poster

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 22:10

I am hoping for a nice duty free present , I know he will get the kids something. Ds isn't happy about him going either, we're just so used to him being around. I know I can cope, I am actually very tough and used to coping with crap. Doesn't mean I like it though .

I am also looking forward to a Desperate Housewives marathon without him moaning or talking over it, so that's a plus. . At this rate, I won't want him to come back. Well, maybe a bit .

OP posts:

roundtable · 03/02/2014 22:10

Sorry crossed posts with a lot of people including the op.

Original poster

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 22:13

Cailin I will manage, i'll be exhausted but I will get through it. Worse case i can ask my nan for some help, which is why dd is going to stay there for a night. I can go to bed when ds is at school then. It wouldn't be able to be a regular thing though, luckily I think it is a one off and somethign his boss said will be good for him to do.

OP posts:

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