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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be panicking about DH going to USA?

44 replies

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 21:19

Dh asked me months ago about him going to states for a work conference. His boss said it would be good for him and would raise his profile in the company. I said fine, it seemed so long away.

Now its almost time for him to go and I am panicking. I don't like being on my own. I didn't like it when he used to work nights either. I get panicky if he is 10 minutes later home from work, I think that he may have had an accident or something.

I know its irrational, and I am currently seeing a counsellor for depression and anxiety (not related to this) but the closer it gets, the more I am feeling panicky about it. The idea is really freaking me out. I know its good for his job and I wouldn't stop him going but I am going to be on my own with the kids for nearly 6 days. He's never been away for that long before. I am really not going to cope well with it come next week and its time for him to go.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 03/02/2014 22:13

Sorry x-post. Good that your nan can help. Do you feel you can cope with her help?

roundtable · 03/02/2014 22:14

Night times I really struggle with too as I'm so paranoid. I find sleeping with a fan on and the halfway light on helps.

I also bring the children into bed if they wake up. Tell them it's a special treat until daddy gets home and snuggle!

FootieOnTheTelly · 03/02/2014 22:14

Can't you stay with your Nan or invite her to stay over? I stay on my own a lot and it doesn't bother me but I don't see the need for you to prove you can do it unless you absolutely have to.

What about having a teen babysitter stay over?

Sneepy · 03/02/2014 22:17

It won't be so bad, my DH travels a lot. I make lots of plans with friends, cook stuff that he doesn't like and I do, watch whatever crap tv I want, stretch out in the bed, that sort of thing. I've got no shame and just ask friends if they will have us over to tea.

On the upside, the US is full of lovely things your DH can bring you! Uggs, Fossil watches, cute stuff from Target, Orbit gum...

Plan out your week to the minute and look forward to presents for you and the kids when he gets back. I find it helpful to enlist the DC help--my girls and I are a little team when DH is away, we all have to work together!

AngryFeet · 03/02/2014 22:17

My DH goes away for 2 weeks to the US probably every 3 months. I am fine and keep myself busy but am nervous at home alone at night (had an attempted break in years ago while I was on my own). Logically I know I am safe but I still get panicky so I go and stay with my MIL. I know it seems pathetic to some and I do make myself stay home for 3 or 4 of the nights to get myself used to it.

I understand how you feel but it will be fine and you will be fine :)

CailinDana · 03/02/2014 22:20

Is there a risk of the stress making your anxiety or your other medical condition worse? Are you on any meds for the anxiety - would it be worth getting some?

Gossipmonster · 03/02/2014 22:22

My OH is in the forces 4 months a year and we cannot phone text or write and I go to a dark place sometimes and I am used to it so the op shouldn't "get over it" .

Plan LOADS of stuff to do while he's away (stuff you wouldn't do while he's home).

Girls nights in - reading books all night, watching films he wouldn't watch with you, eat good he doesn't like etc etc.

It will be over before you know it. I write a little bit of a letter to my OH every day when he's away (probably sends him into a coma) and he receives it when he gets back before he sees me.

Gossipmonster · 03/02/2014 22:22

Sorry he is in the forces and away 4 months every year!

Sneepy · 03/02/2014 22:22

NB: US airports are not good for shopping in. Your DH must go to Target (like John Lewis but cheap) unless you want something specific. American colleagues will be happy to play tour guide and most shops are open until 9 or 10! Where's he going?

Finola1step · 03/02/2014 22:23

CB. You can do this. It will be hard but it can be done.

I too have had counselling in the not too distant past for depression and anxiety. Have you got a session booked for while your DH is away?

You are absolutely right to book things/events in the diary. Go to the library and stock up on a few books to read. Nothing heavy, holiday reading type stuff.

He will come home. But when you are having difficult moments (which will happen) come on to Mumsnet and get it out. ignoring the less sensitive souls in AIBU

And when he comes home, you really will feel that bit more confident and empowered. Maybe not straight away but in time.

mimiasovitch · 03/02/2014 22:23

I don't have any anxiety issues, but I still hate it when my dh is away. I try to book myself in at various family members to be fed, to the extent that a night at home alone (ish, kids still to care for) is a bit of a luxury. I recommend changing the bed so the first night the sheets are all crisp and lovely for you. Then early to bed with a cuppa and a good book. Alternatively you could waste hours online and end up going to bed far too late, but I always regret that one in the morning when I'm getting the girls and pets ready on my own.

Anniegoestotown · 03/02/2014 22:27

Dh is a regular over seas traveller. I actually look forward to having the whole of the bed to my self and having control of the tv remote. Dh has travelled since FB was a baby and went away 2 weeks after I gave birth to 2nd born by CS.

He is going for 6 days to the US he will be fine.

pimplypoppet · 03/02/2014 22:39

Ha ha...was just about to suggest something along the Desperate Housewives marathon! Mine went away again this morning for 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to 2 weeks of having the whole bed to myself, the remote to myself, cooking my fave meals for dinner and no one coming in at 7 and getting the kids all over excited at bedtime! I will miss him though! The time will fly and it will be fine. When you've got through it you might even realise its helped you to cope with some of your anxiety issues x

NomNomNom · 03/02/2014 22:50

Let the kids sleep in your bed as a special treat? It'll turn the 6 days into an adventure for them, you get to snuggle up, and in the mornings they could look at books next to you or draw or whatever while you're waking up.

Make a detailed timetable? That way you don't have any empty time to sit around and worry.

You'll be fine, you can do it!

Original poster

CrapBag · 03/02/2014 22:51

You are right about it possibly helping with my anxiety. I'm not on meds for it. I didn't even know I had it until I filled in the questionnaire at the counsellors that I do each time and she told me I have high levels of anxiety. I just thought I was a bit of a worrier.

I won't get anyone to stay, I will keep the hallway light on though. I don't really like the dark at the best of times.

I'm usually on MN in the evening anyway so that can keep me company .

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. I do feel like a weight has been lifted and I can face it now. It will probably fly by as luckily its during the week and he'll get home on the Saturday afternoon.

He's going to Cleveland to the poster who asked where he is going. I'm not sure if he is going to get any free time, I know he has conferences and dinners to go to.

OP posts:

JennySense · 04/02/2014 00:24

I think you are suffering from anxiety. I've been there myself. It will be related to your depression and is a medical issue.

Get am appointment with your GP you don't have to suffer this. I can remember feeling like you feel every day before I got some help. If you take action tomorrow you'll be feeling much better when DH goes away I promise

Original poster

CrapBag · 04/02/2014 21:50

What do they do? I just though the counselling would deal with it, although my depression 'levels' seem to be dropping (I have to fill out the forms every time and it measures levels of depression, anxiety and phobias) the anxiety isn't though and is very high. This is the first time anyone has told me I have high level s of anxiety, I've always been this way though and just though I was a worrier. I do find its getting worse now I have kids though. I am constantly panicking that something awful is going to happen, even things like a car mounting the pavement and running them over on our school run.

OP posts:

Jinsei · 04/02/2014 22:25

Oh gosh, I love it when DH is away! Get the bed to myself, control over the remote and can cook really easy meals! Also, I find we talk more when he's away than we do when he's at home, as we skype and stuff. Sometimes he'll be away for a few weeks at a time. Doesn't bother me, I know he's coming back. :)

Obviously you're anxious about it OP, and perhaps you have good reason for that, but look on it as an opportunity to get over your angst and prove to yourself that you can manage on your own. You'll be fine - you might even enjoy it!

You do need to sort out your finances though, so that you would have access to funds if something did happen to your DH - whether he goes to the States or just to the corner shop tomorrow! Can you convert his account to a joint account?

Shenanagins · 04/02/2014 22:36

When my oh goes away i always sleep with the bedside light on. We always text each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I don't have your high level of anxiety but I find that this helps.

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