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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about a TTC setback of my own doing?

52 replies

Babcia · 03/02/2014 19:21

DH and I had sort of decided that we would start TTC about now as he's working away for the next few months, then continue when he came back if no joy. My job had very good maternity benefits which I would have been entitled to if I'd gone off on mat leave at the end of this year, but unfortunately the job became unfeasible to stay in (long hours, overwork, massive stress levels resulting in taking medication, to name but a few) so I found a new job (which I love) and I started a few weeks ago. I got a reminder pop up on my online calendar that this would be the week we would start trying, but obviously not doing that now as I've started at a new company, so can't exactly go and get preggo after a couple of weeks on the job, it's now likely to be Christmas before we can start trying. Although I like my new job, I've still been a bit teary (esp at call the midwife yesterday!) and now I'm basically going to be hitting the magic 3-0 before I become a mum, which I really didn't want to do, for several reasons- some more logical than others. DH is not being very understanding- as I'm a few years younger than him I think he thinks that I'm still really young, but he doesn't seem to get the whole "biological clock" thing. I think he would happily wait another few years on top of that- I just don't know what to do to snap out of it.

OP posts:

Trills · 03/02/2014 19:22

Not sure if this helps, but we only count in tens because of how many fingers and thumbs we have.

If we were like The Simpsons (a thumb + 3 fingers), we'd count everything in 8s, and so "the big 3-0" wouldn't mean anything. You'd be getting excited at either 24 or 32.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 03/02/2014 19:40

Fertility doesn't magically vanish at 30, you've got plenty of time! You've done the right thing by waiting, financial stability is a big factor in raising a child. Better to wait until you're financially secure.

brokenhearted55a · 03/02/2014 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryGnome · 03/02/2014 19:42

Well for a start, there is nothing to stop you getting pregnant in your new role- it may not feel ideal to you, but actually this sort of thing happens all the time and businesses cope - f you are planning to go back after mat leave you will still have years of service to offer :-)

With regards o your age, how many children are you wanting? 30 is not too old to be starting a family!

alisonmcg · 03/02/2014 19:43

that's a little bit harsh brokenhearted

newyearhere · 03/02/2014 19:49

Why not start trying now? It's quite normal for it to take several months of trying even if you have no problems, and 1 in 7 couples do have fertility problems. If you did have good luck straight away, any good employer will be delighted for you.

Jackanory1978 · 03/02/2014 19:49

I had my first ds at 34. You've got lots of time, don't worry yet just enjoy your job (& enjoy a decent nights sleep whilst you can, I'm envious!).

MyNameIsAnAnagram · 03/02/2014 19:51

Just start now. I got pregnant 2 months after starting a new job, no one batted an eyelid.

LindaMcCartneySausage · 03/02/2014 19:51

I was a City lawyer. Massive stress, ridiculous hours and I left for pastures new aged 30 and delayed TTC for the maternity benefits on my new job. Was ultimately a mistake as it took us 4 years and 4 rounds of IVF after starting TTC again. I should have just got on with it. Personal opinion, but I'd go for it, even at 30. You'll be entitled to statutory maternity rights after 15 weeks or so, just not enhanced

HellsGranny · 03/02/2014 19:52

I never planned on being 35 when I had my first child. Life just kind of got in the way. Definitely wait until you're entitled to maternity benefits if you can bear it.

WipsGlitter · 03/02/2014 19:53

Start trying anyway. It might take ages. Employers are used to women getting pregnant. I had a new employee tell me about three weeks in she was pregnant. It happens.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 03/02/2014 19:53

OP you need to have workes for your conpany for 26 weeks before the 15th week before your EDD, so basically, started a week before you fall pg (working on a 40wk pregnancy).

So for want of a better expression, jump on it!

MyNameIsKenAdams · 03/02/2014 19:53

You also dont need to tell work til you are 25wks pg.

LadyRochford · 03/02/2014 19:56

Christmas is a great time to start trying, because then you will get an autumn baby, which is a lovely time to have a birthday. Maybe look at it that way and spend the run up doing lots of lovely things you won't get to do with kids (spend Sunday morning in bed, read the papers from cover to cover, have a movie marathon, stay out dancing til dawn...)

SeaSickSal · 03/02/2014 20:02

Sorry, I opened this expecting it to be from someone who was having assisted conception and fertility problems who'd done something like forgotten to take their ovulation drugs in the middle of a cycle.

I had fertility problems and it took me a long time to have a baby (when I was 33) and I really can't sympathise very much. You are still in your 20s, you have no known fertilty problems - you're being far too overwrought about this.

And to be honest you've actually really offended me with your idea that becoming a mother in your 30s is something so awful it should be cried over.

Original poster

Babcia · 03/02/2014 20:03

newyearhere why not = because DH is only here for 2 weeks more until potentially Christmas (with 2 weeks off for good behaviour), and I'm due on any day now, and we'll have to spend a lot of that fortnight visiting various relatives. No chance to get down really...

I know plenty of people start after 30 and are fine- I got married fairly young in order to have a family young and gave up a good few opportunities in work to follow DH around. I just feel like I could have just stayed put and at least had a better job by now if I was going to have to wait until later anyway.

brokenhearted55a I'm sorry that you feel that way. I don't know that I will be able to have a child- you don't tend to find out until you start trying. I have close family members who have had children naturally at the drop of a hat up to the age of 40, and ones who have had heartbreaking fertility problems, in equal measure. The advice I've had is "start before you're thirty", from medical professionals and experienced mothers (and those not so lucky) alike. I did not intend my post to be some sort of humble-brag, but you obviously feel like it was that, so I'm sorry if I offended you.

OP posts:

ALittleStranger · 03/02/2014 20:05

Babcia if you have no medical issues then I cannot see why anyone medical has told you to start before 30.

newyearhere · 03/02/2014 20:09

Agree SeaSickSal the title is a bit misleading. I must admit I too was expecting it to be about someone who was going through fertility problems. Perhaps the title could be changed, to avoid upsetting anyone else?

PreggersGoesPop · 03/02/2014 20:10

The OP is feels what she feels, it's not for anyone to say whether her feelings are valid or not especially in comparison to their own - very different - circumstances.

OP, there are a couple of points here. If your DP wants to wait, you'll have to wait. You can't force him to TTC but you can fill in the time by preparing to TTC - stop smoking, reduce alcohol, get to an optimum weight, take folic acid, etc. and do all of the things that would be impossible difficult with a newborn in tow. If your DP does agree to still try then try! You never know how it's going to go an for most healthy couples it takes a few cycles anyway by which point you'll have been in your new job for a few months.

YANBU to worry and be concerned but honestly being 30 is no barrier. I had my first at 28, my second at 30 and I got pregnant again at 32. The pregnancy in my 20s took three years to conceive, this pregnancy and my previous pregnancy (at age 30 and 32) took one month. Fertility doesn't start to decline until late 30s.

Original poster

Babcia · 03/02/2014 20:11

seasicksal- I think you have the wrong end of the stick entirely. I'm upset because I had it fixed in my mind that this would be the time to start, and now I have to wait longer than I thought. Narrow minded if you think that medical issues are the only things that stop people having children when they want to- I'd like to get DH at home long enough for it to be possible, but at the moment it just can't be done. I don't think it's terrible to be a mother in your 30's, it's just something for various personal reasons that I didn't want to happen.

OP posts:

newyearhere · 03/02/2014 20:12

I don't know that I will be able to have a child - you don't tend to find out until you start trying.

No, but if you haven't started trying, the strong likelihood is that you'll be fine, and the chances of having no fertility problems are 6 in 7. That's completely different to actually being in the situation, after a long and difficult time TTC, of knowing there's little or no chance of it working.

ALittleStranger · 03/02/2014 20:15

I don't think it's terrible to be a mother in your 30's, it's just something for various personal reasons that I didn't want to happen.

I'm sorry but I can see why you've upset people. YABU to think that you can control your life in this way. Very few people are fortunate for their fertility to pan out exactly as panned. You're in a far, far better position than many on these boards. All your barriers are in your mind.

PreggersGoesPop · 03/02/2014 20:17

Personally I would try sooner rather than later as if there are issues most health trusts won't refer for investigations until your tried for at least 12-18 months. Then you have to wait for an appointment. Then you have to wait for appointments to get the tests done, get the results, decide on a treatment plan, and then get treatment. That's why we started TTC when we were in our 20s so that if there were any problems we had the time to explore as many potential avenues as possible and we had age on our side (and that's not meant to offend anyone, that was just our personal thoughts on the matter).

sherbetpips · 03/02/2014 20:31

Come on guys this is about her feelings around getting preggers! Play fair.

We had the mythical 'pregnant by 30' rule as well, only reason we TTC to be honest. Took us a year in the end anyway so don't tear yourself up about it, you might get a bfp straight away or it may take a while, you will deal with it as it comes.

BumpNGrind · 03/02/2014 20:54

OP, I'm so broody so I can relate to you. DH and I have started ttc and we've not had the first time lucky experience I was convinced it would be.

You have a job, if you have savings and could cover the extra cost then go for it. In 5years time, you won't regret a child, but you will probably will regret if you don't try.

Go for it

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