To be upset about a TTC setback of my own doing?

[Babcia]

DH and I had sort of decided that we would start TTC about now as he's working away for the next few months, then continue when he came back if no joy. My job had very good maternity benefits which I would have been entitled to if I'd gone off on mat leave at the end of this year, but unfortunately the job became unfeasible to stay in (long hours, overwork, massive stress levels resulting in taking medication, to name but a few) so I found a new job (which I love) and I started a few weeks ago. I got a reminder pop up on my online calendar that this would be the week we would start trying, but obviously not doing that now as I've started at a new company, so can't exactly go and get preggo after a couple of weeks on the job, it's now likely to be Christmas before we can start trying. Although I like my new job, I've still been a bit teary (esp at call the midwife yesterday!) and now I'm basically going to be hitting the magic 3-0 before I become a mum, which I really didn't want to do, for several reasons- some more logical than others. DH is not being very understanding- as I'm a few years younger than him I think he thinks that I'm still really young, but he doesn't seem to get the whole "biological clock" thing. I think he would happily wait another few years on top of that- I just don't know what to do to snap out of it.

I announced I was 7 weeks pregnant at my 3 month probation review - oops!!

I'm going back at the end of my leave though, so I don't feel too bad, luckily I'd made it by a couple of days to qualify for the enhanced pay.

OP, I was considering being in a similar situation to yourself but my work problems evened out a bit so I haven't had to worry about it BUT

If you'd stayed in the shite job you probably wouldn't have conceived anyway as you'd have been stressed and unhappy and perhaps your body wouldn't have been in the right place? Whereas you're in this job and you love it, and probably having fun and who knows, at the end of the year you might feel in so much of a better place you might conceive much quicker and without the stress.

I can totally see why you see it as a 'setback'; I've had depression for last 2/3 years, finally at the right end of it all and now TTC and I feel like this was a set-back but you know what? - It's probably for the best as I'm in a much better place now, and you probably are too The 30 thing is absolutely nothing to fear or worry about. I see it that my life experiences gained up until now will help me in eventual Motherhood

As for those saying she should just get over with it etc - who are you to say what the OP should or shouldn't feel. She feels this is a setback to her life plan. She's not making out she's better than anyone else, she's just stating how she feels. I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to offend anyone or seem 'insensitive' just because she wanted children before 30 or because she has setback her TTC plan by getting a new job.

Sorry, but you are BU if you suddenly become pregnant now as you've just started a new job, it is unfair to everyone.

I also don't get the whole having babies by 30 thing. I was 39 when I had my first DD - a complete accident as I thought I was infertile and had come to terms with that (after a difficult time in my early 30's).

Seriously? You need to grow up.

I sincerely hope that this is the worst fertility/TTC/ pregnancy related issues you ever have, OP. I think the strength of feeling on this thread so far reflects the fact that you are really not even at the start line of something that carries life changingly difficulty issues. It's tough for some to have sympathy in these circumstances.

As for your actual concern, in my opinion there is no right time to have a child. There will always be another reason and then another and then another before everything is perfectly lined up for you to say "NOW - I want one NOW". And then, fingers crossed, it will happen for you.

Good luck. I say get to it ASAP.

Well since you're almost 30 you'd better just give up completely huh? You're not allowed to have babies once you hit 30 coz you're, well, like old.

This is the most ridiculous post I've read in a long time. Work round it! So, it's not going to be right now like you wanted but you will stil try. I'm not sure which outdated and offensive literature you've been reading about 30 being an issue but I suggest you ignore it. 30 is an age, only a very immature person would believe that it marked the end of anything or the beginning of the end.

You've been very selfish and upset people who are dealing with fertility problems, you're suggesting that it's a race to get pregnant before your 30th. I sincerely hope this is the only problem you have in your attempts to have a baby, if this is an issue to you I'm not sure you'd cope with a real issue.

As for the job issue, it's also a non-issue. If it's a job that you can return to and be confident in then you'll be fine. As long as it's not a tiny company that you've been deceitful with or a job that will require you to start from scratch after maternity leave then there's no reason why there would be an issue.

Try not to get anxious about it, OP. Chances are you will have no problems when you do TTC. I conceived a few days after my 40th birthday with DS and he was born in June last year. Only took 9 months of trying. 30 is very young!

Sadly you just don't know if you can have kids till you start ttc and tbh if you leave it too long you may regret it

No one wants to start a job and then say they are preg but you also have go look out for you

You may conceive first month or two. May take 5+ years

I started ttc at 33. Just married. Been with partner 15yrs

Got to 34 and nothing. Saw gp. He said I was still young and come back in 6mths. 34.5 for up on waiting list for fertility tests. 35.5 had a few tests but showed nothing and got put on nhs ivf waiting list. 37 widowed :(

38 met a new man. He was happy to try for kids (has 3 - then 23 21 19) 39 more tests that I would have had earlier but stopped everything after dh died and found out have a blocked scarred tube as consultant said I wont ever have kids naturally :(

No nhs ivf as partner has kids so now have to find £5/7k to try ivf

Saying all that 30 isn't old

I'm not being narrow minded. But I have no sympathy for someone who's having an absolute meltdown because they might have to have a baby a few months later than they wanted.

I have friends who I know from fertility boards who've been trying for ten years and deal with a failed round of treatment with more fortitude.

It's not going to mean you can't have a baby, just that it will be a tiny little bit later than you've planned.

You really need to pull yourself together. I have to say it's not too bad for me to read this as I now have a little boy asleep next door. But if I had read this thread years ago it would have destroyed me.

I think it's actually quite offensive for you to compare your situation to people who are struggling to conceive because you also have a reason why you 'can't have children'. Total over reaction.

I think it is completely reasonable to be disappointed that you won't be able to start TTC when you planned. I'm sorry you haven't received more support.

I think people are being very judgmental. The OP even said in the title that the setback is "of her own doing" so I didn't expect that to about infertility. There are lifestyle factors like career, which also affect TTC.

The fact that people are struggling with infertility doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to be upset about job stress and setbacks affecting their plans to TTC.

Maybe some people shouldn't read threads about TTC if they find them triggering and upsetting? It's in the title.

I speak as someone who took 8 years of TTC and several cycles of IVF before conceiving our first child.

I can see where OP is coming from. She doesn't need to be facing fertility issues to be disappointed that what she had envisioned happening regarding starting a family isn't now happening. We all face disappointments and there's always someone who has it harder. That doesn't minimise your own feelings or indeed the other person's. Everyone has a right to feel the way they feel.

Of course you're disappointed OP, I understand that. Take a look at your employer's maternity policy. It's entirely possible that you wouldn't lose out (at least on statutory mat leave) if you were to get pregnant immediately. Even if you wait until Christmas, it will come round sooner than you think.

Christmas is a great time to start trying, because then you will get an autumn baby

I'm sorry but that's just about the most clueless, stupid thing I've ever read with regard to TTC.

I'd start now OP. It could take you ages, years. If this IVF works I will be a first time mum at 39. Shock horror....

Please can everyone stop saying "preggers"! Yuck, it sounds like pigs snorting.

Tailtwister, that was a good post, you said what I was trying to say but in a better way!

I think it's actually quite offensive for you to compare your situation to people who are struggling to conceive because you also have a reason why you 'can't have children'. Total over reaction.

Nothing like a bit of empathy eh? OP obviously had plans and they've had to delay them, it's not in the same league as infertility, but it's still upsetting to her.

While it's a sensitive subject for some people, I also think people are a little too quick to get offended sometimes.

Firstly I want to identify with everything tailtwister & topaz said. I've been dealing with infertility for 10 years (though I'm actually finally pregnant). When I was just out of hospital after I'd had my second tube removed, a (then) close friend told me it was selfish of me to be (at all) upset about it, because how did I think that made her feel, when at least I had a partner. I was not the only friend she lost because she couldn't see past her own distress.

OP, I've had a number of periods of 'wait and see' where I've been unable to do anything about ttc. Waiting for something you really want is hard, especially when you can't move on with life plans. I was having fertility counselling at the time & her approach was similar to something suggested earlier - do something with this enforced waiting time. I think it might be especially helpful with your OH away for so long.

For me, I framed it around preparing for being a mum, in a very broad sense. So, nutrition and exercise were big factors. There's a book called fit for fertility (I think) which is all about preparing for getting pregnant. It's aimed at people who have fertility issues - but even without, the healthier you are the better for baby. Boring things like finances were included too. But then there was the fun stuff - what don't I know that I'd like to be able to teach/do for my kids. I've done a number of courses, both in practical skills & things like history to brush up on my knowledge (and because they were things I fancied doing), I was a bit restricted by health issues or I would have done self-defense or ballet. What about first aid etc?

Do make sure and include things in there that are just for fun, and perhaps that you couldn't do after having kids.

Yes the title made me think you'd forgotten to take your hCG shot or something and ruined a cycle.

I had an idea about 30 in my head too. Waited until my birthday and started trying. Was a silly idea. Should have started trying sooner after my last surgery for endo. Couldn't get pregnant.

Not saying this will happen to you - you have no known issues. But what I am saying is you can't control and plan some things. Having a child will make you realise this for sure!

I know quite a few women who started TTC conceive slightly before ready thinking it would take months as have got pregnant in the first week or two which has thrown their plans re maternity pay etc a bit.

I do think that you need some perspective on it and I think you've gotten it from some of the posters who've really had major setbacks TTC.

You've left a stressful job, that's good. Now you need to stop sweating the small stuff.

So yes YABU. I hope it all works out.

I thought the same as a lot of other people here that you were having problems ttc.

My DP made us wait a year till we started ttc so his daughter would have started school, that was 1.5 yrs ago and turns out he has a 0 sperm count and is infertile. We are 9 months in to investigations and 1 operation that failed. Now having to save the 12k it will cost for ivf as he has a DD.

Start ttc now, my DP bitterly regrets making us wait as we lost a year and could be so much further down our fertility journey.

I wanted a baby before I was 30 turns out that there can be many more problems. Getting upset about that when you are still so young is madness, just wait for the roller coaster ride that is ttc because it's a lot harder

I've been trying for two and a half years. Colleague at work stressed her worry 4 months in.

She's just as entitled to worry, hope and stress as much as I am. She much younger than i, yes I'd love to be in her shoes but she needed some support today.

OP, I'm sorry you've had to push back. Any type of setback against something so exciting is hard. Try to increase your chances with positive lifestyle choice until then. For most TTC is a lovely time of excitement and soon enough you'll be there.

OP, a few things you could do to try to snap out of it:

Firstly, as a pp said, get ready physically (unless you already are), get fit, eat well, take supplements... that way you're being as proactive as you can. Read stuff if you think that would help you prepare (I am scared how little I know about pregnancy!) and find out about mat leave in your new job, just so you have the info to hand.

Secondly, distract yourself - enjoy doing other things, seeing friends, drinking, eating rare meat and dodgy cheeses, whatever. Time drags when you're waiting for something but flies when you're having fun... cliched but true.

Thirdly, talk to your DH (or write it down if you get upset easily) so he knows exactly how you feel and what you're doing about it.

Good luck

OP, I had plans to ttc at a certain,point, naively thinking it would go to plan. I had to wait as it turned out because I had an abnormal smear which needed treatment. Then I had two miscarriages and was advised to wait again. Then I got pregnant agin but one of my parents died before the baby was born which was a huge sadness to me and I know if I hadn't had to wait, they would have known my baby.
I fully understand your disappointment. I have friends who have had a much harder time ttc than me, and have 2 friends whose babies have died. Someone else's situation is always worse,but that doesn't mean you can't feel sad at times. Good luck xx

Nobody knows if they will conceive until they start trying - my advice is if you want a baby (are with someone you loves you and who wants to have a baby and you are not a teenager or living hand to mouth)... DO NOT WAIT.

It's crazy to try and plan these things - trying to have summer babies, babies in your 20s or whatever you've decided would be 'perfect', waiting til you get a better maternity pay or you've been in your job a certain amount of time...

I understand why some posters have been upset by the OP.

Well if your DH is going to be away from now on, I'd just take a deep breath and get on with your fab new job and enjoy all the things that being not pregnant and child-free allows! Yes, having DC is a wonderful thing, but it puts huge limits on your life that are very hard to imagine until you actually do it and if you've been given another year of freedom I say enjoy it and don't let all the 'Start now, there's no time to waste' brigade worry you. You're right, you don't know what the future holds, but the statistics for a 30-year-old are something like you've got an 80% chance of conceiving in a year, which is pretty good odds. Personally, I wouldn't be trying to get pregnant immediately after starting a new job. Contrary to what one of the optimistic posters above says, most employers will not be 'thrilled' for you - they'll think you lack commitment to the role.

I don't know why you're getting hassled about wanting to have children before you're 30 OP - I was/am the same, wanting to be a younger mother is just as valid a choice as wanting to wait til you're older!

I also understand how frustrating it is to feel you've missed a month/missed a chance. Of course that's not saying it's as bad as having fertility problems before any jumps on me, but it's still frustrating and upsetting.

Yes, a plan is not a guarantee, you can't always control your fertility and someone, somewhere is always worse off than you - but that doesn't invalidate your feelings.

It's understsmdable I should, still not nice to kick someone when they're down.

The live poas threads where the op looked at her husband once in the month and is unepectely pregnant make me want to weep. I hide and move on. I don't tell them to stop worrying about affording or coping with a child because I'm desperate and my pain/fear/worry is worse.

Some posters here have been cruel and dismissive of a woman with regret and worry about TTC who is also facing a long spell without her husband.

Don't understand why you are getting hassled either. You are being sensible by wanting to start as soon as possible as you don't know what fertility issues lie ahead.
As someone who started trying just as they turned 30 but had two miscarriages before I got my gorgeous baby I would advocate starting trying sooner rather than later. Fertility does drop in your thirties (whatever people say) and anecdotes from people who say "I had my first baby at 38 are not helpful" .Ok so give it a few months to bed into job maybe but I personally wouldn't wait till chrismas.
What's the worst that could happen if you got pregnant quickly? Are you going to lose your job over it? Prob not. And if you are good at it and enjoy it am sure they will get years of good service out of you so what is a few months may leave?