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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my parents to pay for DD to go to private school

52 replies

uptheauntie · 03/02/2014 17:55

DD is 3. We have a great local primary school, which was one of the reasons we moved to the area. This is where we intend for her to go to primary school.

My parents are quite generous financially, but I wouldn't say I have the closest relationship with them and things can be quite difficult with my father. He is incapable of holding a calm, rational discussion about anything.

They have offered to pay for DD to go to private school. I politely declined, stating she will be going to the local primary and we may consider private for secondary schooling, but that is a matter for us. Fine. But they keep on offering. And I keep on politely declining. We could afford private if we wished (we are comfortable, but not rolling in it and some small sacrifices would need to be made), but I really don't think we need/want to send DD to private for primary when there is a really good small primary locally.

Part of my reason for declining is that I don't want my parents to think they have a state in my daughters education. It is for us, as her parents to deal with. Does that make sense? Given as my dad cannot calmly communicate, I just think it could be a disaster waiting to happen.

Anyway, AIBU? Am I cutting my nose of to spite my face? Sometimes I wonder if I should just shut up and accept the offer.

OP posts:

Biscuitsneeded · 03/02/2014 18:45

I would ask them if they would like to contribute to ballet lessons/music/sport/swimming/whatever other expensive hobby she develops! OR if they are determined the money is for academic education, to put it in a savings account for university. MY DP's dad puts £20 a month into an account for our boys, which is lovely of him. My mum and Dad I think want to see the fruit of the generosity, so they pay for theatre school fees (Stagecoach not full-time school!) for DS1 and will pay for piano lessons for DS2 from September. Either option could be attractive to your parents, but doesn't leave you high and dry if the money stream stops for any reason.

MoreBeta · 03/02/2014 18:52

I went to a good state primary and then a private secondary. It worked well for me.

It might work for DD. You might well want it for her by then.

That said, controlling grandparents are a very big issue and I know someone in just this position.

AdoraBell · 03/02/2014 18:54

YANBU

If you feel it would become DF's decisions on everything related then keep saying no. If the other suggestions for alternativa help would work then talk To them, together with DP.

Perdonally, given what you've said about your DF (sounds like my FIL) I say no, no and no again.

TamerB · 03/02/2014 19:02

In your circumstances I definitely wouldn't do it. Suggest they start an account for university instead.

Original poster

uptheauntie · 03/02/2014 19:02

Quietly I think you have not interpreted my message correctly. If we chose to send DD to private at any point, we (her parents) will pay.

To address other points DD is only grandchild and there is only likely to be one more. I know they would pay for both.

I don't feel it is appropriate for me to ask them to direct the money elsewhere. They do have savings set up for her when she is 21, which is fine as it is between them and DD who will be an adult. Yes, I know she is lucky.

OP posts:

innisglas · 03/02/2014 19:05

Surely the only reason to go private is if the school you particularly want is private, not for the sake of paying

Hoppinggreen · 03/02/2014 19:09

We reserved a place in a private Primary for our DD in case we didn't get a place for her at our excellent state primary of choice.
We did so we didn't need to go private but we think secondary will probably have to be private ( or hopefully grammar).
I went to private secondary and we used to see children suddenly disappear when patents circumstances change to not be able to afford fees and I know of at least 2 people who had to leave when grandparents fell out with parents and refused to pay fees.
I think that unless you can pay yourself then don't do it.
How about using the good state Primary and saving for private Secondary?
You could even let your patents pay for private secondary if they are willing but you could have the money saved up yourself in case of fall outs.
Also, have you thought about any more children? Whist will happen with them?

MoreBeta · 03/02/2014 19:18

Problem is once you have to accept the money you have to accept the conditions. Nowadays private schools very often have open days and specifically invite grandparents. Private schools know parents often cannot afford to pay and grandparents have a lot of equity locked up in houses and property and are paying the school fees.

My children's private school has almost as many grandparents in the audience at school plays, parents evenings and other events as there are parents.

Grandparents hold a lot of sway and they hold the purse strings in the school choices of a lot of private school children now.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2014 19:20

"But they keep on offering. And I keep on politely declining. "
Ideally they'd just drop the subject, wouldn't they? Since a 'no' doesn't seem to do the trick, I wonder - next time they offer could you look worried and say something along the lines of "Mum/Dad, we've had this conversation before, and I said 'no', do you not remember? Are you having problems with your memory? Have you raised it with your doctor?" all in a very concerned tone of voice and looking as worried as you can muster . See if that helps them to just drop it?

3littlefrogs · 03/02/2014 19:21

If anything at all, they should set up a trust fund for her.
It may well be that it is at the further education stage that the money would be useful.

Even better - ask them to buy her some bitcoins.

bellablot · 03/02/2014 19:23

YANBU, they need to butt out and understand a NO when they politely receive one, interfering old twits

brokenhearted55a · 03/02/2014 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlefrogs · 03/02/2014 19:45

YY to extra-curricular stuff.
Music lessons etc are very expensive, but make a big difference to the life of a child who is talented and wants to learn to play an instrument.

Joysmum · 03/02/2014 19:50

Next time, say no but suggest they squirrel that money away for her university education instead.

justmyview · 03/02/2014 19:53

Kind of them to offer, but intrusive to keep offering after you've declined. It undermines your authority and your ability to select a suitable school. I'd be a bit irritated.

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2014 19:55

You are right to decline, look at this as proof of how right you are; you have made a different decision regarding your DDs education to the one they think is right, and rather than accept your decision is final and you are the one ho gets the final say re your DD, they are trying to nag you into doing what they want.

They think you are wrong, and won't drop it, they can't go above your head and just do it, but once they are the ones paying the school fees, will they be able to talk to the school directly and undermine you?

They sound a bit like my parents, give them an inch, they'll take a mile, then tell you that you aren't being grateful enough to them for taking that mile of responsibility off you...

natwebb79 · 03/02/2014 20:10

Why would you kill your parents brokenhearted? They're sending their child to a good quality state primary school not a bloodu work house!

rookiemater · 03/02/2014 20:12

Next time they ask, say No again as there is no reason to send her privately if the local comp has a good reputation, but say that you are thinking of going private at secondary. If they still want to pay for secondary at that stage then it may well be worth taking them up on the offer- also they will be older and perhaps less keen to interfere or dictate things.

Also what age are they ? They may be trying to do it as a way to avoid inheritance tax - apparently regular payments for things such as schooling don't count in the allowance.

Our parents pay for DS's schooling. At first I was resistant, but they have been absolutely wonderful about it . We took them along to the school at open day and they have also seen the facilities when we went for a family photo, but they have had no other real input as they are a bit too elderly to make it along to performances - which is a shame as it would be nice if they could.

deste · 03/02/2014 21:09

Why does everyone assume they will be controlling and manipulative. If I paid for grandchildren (if I had any) to go private I would trust my children to make decisions that benefitted them. They both went to private schools and I'm sure are more than capable. My DDs fiancé works in a private school. The only thing I would like to do is attend sports day and any performances but I'm sure my DD would want that anyway.

stealthsquiggle · 03/02/2014 21:20

deste - because the OP said "I wouldn't say I have the closest relationship with them and things can be quite difficult with my father. He is incapable of holding a calm, rational discussion about anything."

..as I said, my GPs paid a fair amount of our school fees, with no strings attached, so I am not saying it couldn't be done. Just that the OP would need to be confident of there not being strings, and she doesn't appear to be.

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2014 21:25

deste - from what the OP said about them, and the fact they keep trying to change the OPs mind. They made the offer, she declined. She knows the offer is still there, if they were happy to go with whatever she and her DH decided, they wouldn't feel the need to keep going on about it. That they aren't prepared to accept her decision to decline their offer is very telling.

Comessyouare14 · 03/02/2014 21:27

I'd accept it, OP. I wouldn't send mine to independent schools as we'd be the poor relations there, but it doesn't sound as if that would be the case for you.

Leaving a state primary to go to a private secondary is fine but (IMO) not ideal. Better to do one or the other all the way through.

Mellowandfruitful · 03/02/2014 21:32

I think you're right to decline the offer, but I don't see why you think it's "not appropriate" for you to suggest they direct the money into some other form of savings that will benefit her later. You are only making a suggestion, same as they are, and you could make it clear that it is entirely their choice and if they don't want to, that's fine. They could either save it themselves and give it to her when she's 18, save it in an account you can access, or put it into her child trust fund so only she will get to spend it after 18.

BlessedAssurance · 03/02/2014 21:43

I am in the same boat as you OP. MIL who is beyond controlling insists on us sending DD to a private school. We can not afford it as yet and she says she will pay for it. This is a woman who charges us a higher interest rate than the bank offers after we borrowed money to buy a house. She does nothing just to be nice. She will want to have a stake as well in our DD's life and i think we will be saying no when the time comes.
DD has 2 more years before she starts school but MIL is already telling us where she wants DD to go. DH and i do not want her to go there so it is going to be interesting. It will end up with if you don't want to send her to my school of choice then i won't pay for her..
I think your DD will do ok regardless of where she goes. If you finally decide to accept their offer then be prepared. They will want to control things. You and your DH should decide where she goes not them..Good luck..

Original poster

uptheauntie · 04/02/2014 12:04

The more I think about it, I suspect my dad and I would have different ideas about what private school would be the best fit for her too. Disaster waiting to happen really!

Looking back at my childhood my dad was v strict about school work etc, what to do at uni, career choices. I want DD to know that we will support her in what she wants to do and that doesn't mean having to do a dull or sensible course at uni if that isn't really what she wants to do.

OP posts:

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