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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DH to just *try* and keep a similar sleep schedule to me?

36 replies

Hedgehead · 03/02/2014 15:21

Here's what typically happens: DH watches TV til 2am, he comes to bed and lies there til 3am. He decides he can't sleep so goes back downstairs for a cup of tea. He comes back up at 4am. He gets up at 6am for some urgent work calls (waking me up in the process - I get up at 8am, so technically would like another 2 hours deep sleep). Then by midday he's tired and irritable and annoyed and goes back to bed and sleeps 7 hours. He wakes up at 7pm, he's feeling very rested and he wants to do something just as my day is finishing... cinema, go out for a meal, work, see friends (with me.) When it comes to 11pm (the time I normally go to bed, having got up at 8am) he is not tired. I ask him to come to bed with me, and as I am drifting off I hear him tossing and turning and sighing and sounding annoyed. By midnight, he can't sleep, he goes downstairs and watches TV...I wake up and have to go back to sleep... and the cycle begins again...

DH does not do shift work, or a night job. He works from home (and so do I.) The problem is that I regulate myself and DH does not. When I get angry with him for the third time in a night when he is tossing and turning and pulling the covers back and banging out of the room because he can't sleep, DH calls me "controlling." Am I?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2014 15:24

I thought it was only babies who reversed their days and nights like this.

If he wants to be an a normal day and night schedule there are ways of getting back into one (I know, did nights for several years). However, if he doesn't, you are going to have to sort something out. Separate beds?

mrsjay · 03/02/2014 15:25

god no his sleep pattern is arse from elbow has he always slept like this how long have you been together yanbu that would drive me up the wall, can he not try and get into a half decent sleep pattern so he he can see the bloody day time saying that sounds like he has got into a rut

DoJo · 03/02/2014 15:26

Is there any reason you can't keep the same hours as him? I have to say, I prefer to be awake at night and find myself much more productive in the wee hours, but if your job requires you to be available during more normal office hours then I suppose you will either have to agree to barely see each other or work out a compromise that works for you.

shoofly · 03/02/2014 15:29

Do you have a spare room that one of you can move into? This would drive me up the wall

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/02/2014 16:40

I had sympathy with your DH until you said he sleeps 7 hours during the day. He needs to be more considerate to you I think.

hells456 · 03/02/2014 16:52

Does he like staying up all night and kipping all day like a hungover teenager, or does he have a medical problem?

I ask because I have DSPD and rarely sleep before 5am. However, I would never treat my DP that way, I feel like I'm the odd one out and he has to work so I quietly creep about if I have to get up and read quietly when I don't. I try to fit round him where possible and catch up on sleep as and when I can. I certainly couldn't sleep for 7 hours a day, I have too much to do! I try very hard to be considerate and I would feel dreadful if I woke my DP up.

There are different types of sleep training he could try and a doctor could help him with a short term course of sleeping pills to get him into a better routine as part of the retraining.

Prettykitty111 · 03/02/2014 16:53

God I'm glad you gave timings otherwise DP might have thought I'd name changed again! I really can't help as I am having exactly the same problem except mine doesn't come to at all with me. We had a row about it this morning when at 7 i woke him up and he told me he'd only had 3 hours sleep. not my problem i have to get up for work!!!! Waiting for advice....

BackforGood · 03/02/2014 16:58

YANBU. Unless he is a teenager, then your schedule is a lot more normal.
It's much easier to fit your life in with the 'norms' that are around you so I think he should give it a month of trying not to sleep in the day, and see if he can reset his body clock.

Ragwort · 03/02/2014 17:01

I agree that his sleep schedule sounds very unusual but it is incredibly hard to 'change' how you sleep.

Do you have a spare room - surely that would be the simplest soloution?

Original poster
Hedgehead · 03/02/2014 17:04

whenever he complains about not being able to sleep I say ok just take a sleeping pill tonight and get back into the pattern tomorrow. But he won't - he gets very self righteous about the 'taking of drugs' for sleep problems.

I agree that separate rooms is probably the answer, but separate rooms for me is the end of intimacy, and we are only 30 and 39!

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2014 17:12

He is being unreasonable and should make an effort to normalise his sleep schedule a bit. Does he get out in the daylight much during the day? Perhaps on a weekend you could get him outside for a long walk in the middle of the day when he would normally sleep so he starts so reset his body clock a bit.

People do have different body clocks but his is so out of sync with what is usual that it makes life difficult and may be damaging his health (there is some research that suggests working night shifts may lead to health problems)

mrsjay · 03/02/2014 17:16

I think you need sleep more than intamacy at the moment if you go to the other room he might realise how serious his problem is

Thetallesttower · 03/02/2014 17:20

For a start get separate duvets, so that when he gets out he's not disturbing you as much. Also put him on the side of the bed easiest to get out of and wear ear plugs.

But it is disturbing to have someone do this- I'm also not sure when he works, it looks like only 2 hours a day. I think he just has to accept that you are working normal hours and he's not!

Separate rooms may be a start- what intimacy are you having anyway with all this huffing and puffing and him getting out of bed all the time?

That said, me and my husband don't always go to bed together and we do have slightly different sleep patterns, he will get up and work in the middle of the night, but we make an effort some nights to watch a movie/go to bed at the same time.

mrsjay · 03/02/2014 17:22

Separate rooms may be a start- what intimacy are you having anyway with all this huffing and puffing and him getting out of bed all the time?

does not sound very intimate it sounds annoying and stressful

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2014 17:24

Fine, he doesn't take drugs, I agree with him. He needs to; stop drinking things with caffeine in in the early hours; pull back when he gets up in the day half an hour every day; get out in the afternoon sun EVERY day; Google sleep hygiene; stop being a stroppy teenager. There may be more going on but until he tries to correct this himself, he won't know.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/02/2014 17:25

Does he actually want to get into sync with you?

WooWooOwl · 03/02/2014 17:44

If he doesn't want to change it, then there's not much you can really do.

He could get into a more normal pattern if he wanted to, but he's choosing not to. Can he tell you why he prefers to be this way?

CSIJanner · 03/02/2014 17:46

DSis DP does this - even worse, he continues it before they set off on a long journey so he sleeps in when they could be travelling, so she entertains DNephew and then they eventually set off to arrive at midnight/0100. He even carries on when visiting my parents house which I find rude as he's a guest and they can't do anything loud in in their own home or go out for the day.

YANBU - I would pull him up on it if its affecting your home life or work. God knows I wish DSis would. If he's self employed, does he deal with people on the other side of the road, or does he leave it several hours before answering emails because he's stuffed up the sleeping cycle? It does sound like he works 2-3hours a day - is that right? I think sleep is the key for you here and agree with PP's that you should maybe sleep in the spare room to at least get a decent night.

liquidstate · 03/02/2014 17:59

As well as avoiding caffeine he needs to stop watching Tv or using a computer before he goes to bed. It doesn't help the brain relax as it is too stimulating. He should try just reading for the hour before bed.

Peekingduck · 03/02/2014 18:05

CSIJanner - your family need to stop enabling this rude behaviour when he's visiting. Creep around in their own home? Go out? I don't think so!
Op I think you need to sit your DH down when things are calm and talk this through with him. Maybe ask if he wants to have separate rooms and tell him that you think that would be the end of intimacy. Ask why he thinks this is an acceptable way to continue with your life together.

I hate disturbed sleep, and unless there was a physical reason, over a long period this would drive me to consider divorce! Not just from exhaustion, but because of the lack of consideration, and the fact that he won't even try to change things.

Ragwort · 03/02/2014 18:06

As others have said, does your DH want to share your routine?

He might be on Dadsnet (does it exist?) complaining about your sleep patterns.

I recommend you go down the separate bedroom route, you can hardly be having much 'intimicy' at the moment Grin - at least you will get a good night's sleep and it might get your DH to realise how difficult it is for you (of course he might not even notice Grin).

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2014 18:07

This is an interesting book on Chronobiology
www.amazon.co.uk/Internal-Time-Chronotypes-Social-Youre/dp/0674065859

Summarised here
www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/05/11/internal-time-till-roenneber/

3littlefrogs · 03/02/2014 18:11

He is selfish.
If he wants to have a different (unusual schedule) he should avoid disturbing you.
Separate rooms would be the only answer.

CSIJanner · 03/02/2014 18:12

Peeking - I don't but DM & DF don't say anything as DSis is blinded and last time anyone said anything, she didn't speak to them for sometime. They want their daughter and grandchild in their lives, so they opt for the quiet life. In fact DSis hasn't spoken to me for a while - maybe because I threw the Hoover around last time, just to help the parents, and accidentally banged the Hoover against the door two dozen a couple of times... Blush

Original poster
Hedgehead · 04/02/2014 03:50

In terms of DH's work, he has periods of intense activity, where he will be up for literally 24 hours working on a deal, then the rest of the time he keeps his business ticking over with two hours a day of phone calls and emails.

He has never had to, or wanted to, regulate himself in terms of sleeping or eating. Now he shares his life and home with someone else, he still does not want to do it. Given his sleep schedule, we can also barely find a mutual time to eat a meal together - or often I am having my dinner while DH is eating his 'lunch.'

Sex is, bizarrely, okay. We just have it when each of us wants it. But it still does upset me when I am falling asleep after sex and I can feel that he's restless and waiting for me to pass out so he can leave the room.

OP posts: