to want DH to just *try* and keep a similar sleep schedule to me?

[Hedgehead]

Here's what typically happens: DH watches TV til 2am, he comes to bed and lies there til 3am. He decides he can't sleep so goes back downstairs for a cup of tea. He comes back up at 4am. He gets up at 6am for some urgent work calls (waking me up in the process - I get up at 8am, so technically would like another 2 hours deep sleep). Then by midday he's tired and irritable and annoyed and goes back to bed and sleeps 7 hours. He wakes up at 7pm, he's feeling very rested and he wants to do something just as my day is finishing... cinema, go out for a meal, work, see friends (with me.) When it comes to 11pm (the time I normally go to bed, having got up at 8am) he is not tired. I ask him to come to bed with me, and as I am drifting off I hear him tossing and turning and sighing and sounding annoyed. By midnight, he can't sleep, he goes downstairs and watches TV...I wake up and have to go back to sleep... and the cycle begins again...

DH does not do shift work, or a night job. He works from home (and so do I.) The problem is that I regulate myself and DH does not. When I get angry with him for the third time in a night when he is tossing and turning and pulling the covers back and banging out of the room because he can't sleep, DH calls me "controlling." Am I?

Are you in the uk? how come you are awake at 3.50 am on MN's?

But why do you ask him to go to bed at 11PM? He's obviously not going to sleep given he's only been awake 4 or so hours, so you're just creating your own problem here. If you didn't want him to try and fit in with your sleep habits he could just stay up, then wouldn't be in and out of the bedroom all night and you could have uninterrupted sleep.

I don't sleep well at night, if I'm going to get any real sleep it will be during the day. This works for me, and attempts to change have just resulted in my getting dramatically less sleep. My DH has entirely different sleep habits. It's never been an issue, in fact it can be rather useful to have one of us always at peak energy.

Me and DH have different sleeping patterns. I go to bed about 10pm and he goes about 3am. When I go to bed he will come with me, watch a tv programme (or do the deed), he will put his pajamas on and then leave me to sleep. It means we both get to sleep what we want but have the intimacy too.

Separate rooms for at least some of the week. You can catch up with uninterrupted sleep on these nights. You can still have sex anynight you wish, he just sleeps in other room if he needs to get up and go back to bed later.

I think you should just accept that you have different sleeping habits, and talk through some compromises that will improve things. There's no point him even trying to go to sleep at 11 pm, for example -- maybe if he stopped doing that he could get some actual sleep a bit earlier and slowly improve his schedule. Maybe he could take a nap from 10-2 instead of sleeping all day. There are lots of things you could try but they have to start from the position that he doesn't really have to have a 'normal' sleeping pattern right away.

If you have a spare bedroom then use it. There are lots of other ways to have intimacy.

When me and DH moved in together we had very opposite sleep patterns but over the years they have gotten closer together. It's extremely hard to change though, it had to happen gradually.

Do you plan to have kids? That would be my main concern, you don't want two insane sleeping patterns to cope with!

I don't see why you suggested he take sleeping pills. Surely the sensible thing is to work towards it gradually - start by cutting down his day time sleep to 6 hours, then 5 hours, and so on. If he coupled that with some hard physical exercise during the day and doing something reasonably soporific like reading when he comes to bed, he should gradually get back into a normal cycle.

Sleep cycles can be changed, but it takes effort and self-discipline, so unless he wants it, it won't happen. (I'd hate not to see daylight much, though.)

Surely the sensible thing is to work towards it gradually - start by cutting down his day time sleep to 6 hours, then 5 hours, and so on.

Or take a week when you've got time, and stay up through the day as well, so by what most of us consider a normal bedtime, he's so shattered, he'll have to sleep then. Needs to be a time when he won't be driving or anything, and it'll need to have enough going on that he can't sit down and drift off. Also he's likely to be grumpy as hell.

I've always struggled with sleep and when in work have had to learn to function on much less sleep than most people because despite doing an 8-4 job for many years, that pattern just doesn't stick.

If I allow my body to sleep when it wants to, it very quickly switches to sleep during the day. DP on the other hand wakes up ridiculously early (for no reason other than it's how his body works) and then will be ready to sleep any time from 7pm onwards.

Our schedules drive each other insane, but neither of us thinks the other should fundamentally go against their body clock.

If, like us, you don't have the luxury of a spare room then both of you should try to be more tolerant of each other and a bit more considerate.

Unless you have young children. Then you should be setting the example of a 'good' sleeping pattern.

No you're not being controlling, you're just trying to survive and are getting your precious sleep interrupted in the process!

I think if someone is choosing to live upside down for no good reason, and if that choice impacts negatively on someone else, then it's a selfish choice.

If he insists on living like a hamster the. Is treat him like one and stick him in a cage room on his own so you can get your much needed rest.

There is loads of information on the internet about how sleep deprivation is bad for your health, so why should you have to inflict that on your body just to please someone else?

It's also probably not very healthy for your relationship because it sounds like you see all of each other (both working from home) and nothing of each other (socially; relationship-wise) which doesn't seem like a good balance for either of you.

But I live with a man who makes choices I disagree with and when it impacts on me it causes stress. So I can sympathise with your situation. It's funny how they like to play the "you're controlling" card. Stranger still how that it gets me doubting myself every time, even though my inner voice knows that I am the most giving and accommodating person - the opposite of controlling.

I think he is being unreasonable to be sharing his life with someone else and not make an effort to adapt/adjust his routine for the better good of the couple.