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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my teenage DSs to keep their bedroom tidy

31 replies

JustHowItIsToday · 03/02/2014 14:43

DSs 16 and 19 - both working, nice lads.

But they seem unable/unwilling (combination of both, I think) to keep their bedrooms tidy (or even just tidyish) . I would just like them to close drawers and cupboards, hang their coats up rather than throw them on the floor, put dirty laundry in laundry basket not floor, put rubbish in bin rather than on floor. Not much to ask.

I know they should be able to do this by now, and I know I'm a rubbish mother because I haven't taught them tidiness from a young age, and I know I shouldn't have kept tidying their rooms for them.

But now I really want them to be taking some responsibility and I've talked with them about this, but they seem happy to just live in squalor.

OP posts:

DescribeTheRuckus · 03/02/2014 14:47

Then let them live in squalor, and shut the door. If laundry is put in the dirty washing basket, it gets washed, if not, it doesn't. Perhaps a 'strike' will not only teach them to keep neat, but also to do their own washing and ironing (which they should be doing anyway!!).

Stop tidying for them...they are close enough to adults now, and need to figure it out for themselves.

Scholes34 · 03/02/2014 14:49

I go for the opposite approach and go in and tidy up their personal belongings. They'll soon learn what they need to do to stop you doing that.

Original poster

JustHowItIsToday · 03/02/2014 14:58

Describe They are meant to be doing their own washing but are currently just wearing everything they have, and if there's something special they need (like sports gear) they'll just wash that item.

And Scholes348, strangely enough they don't seem mind me tidying up their personal belongings.

OP posts:

DescribeTheRuckus · 03/02/2014 15:00

If you keep doing it for them, they will keep letting you. Seriously, you have to let go, close the bedroom door, and let them figure it out.

storynanny · 03/02/2014 15:04

I wish I hadn't stressed about this x3! if only mumsnet had been around when I was a mum of teenagers I would have had so much good advice.
On reflection I would do what the other posters have said, just shut the door and don't look at it. That's what I would have done in hindsight and pick your battles. Easier said than done I know, but it is not important in the big scheme of things as long as they keep the doors shut.

storynanny · 03/02/2014 15:07

ps I did find that when girlfriends came on the scene it seemed to shock the boys into tidying up a bit! Although 2 out of my 3 still don't have the same sort of tidy as me!

BadlyShavedYeti · 03/02/2014 15:19

If you do find the magic solution let me know. We are in the process of moving and I made the boys clean up their room (teenagers), it was a tip and i refused to go in there and clean.

We threw away 11 binbags full of rubbish - 11. It is lovely and clean and all hoovered but this morning - so less than 24 hours later there is rubbish and clothes and posters on the floor.

I give up, I really do

Davsmum · 03/02/2014 15:24

storynanny has a point - my son started tidying his room when he started dating.
My daughter's room was an absolute tip so I just never went in there and I only did her laundry if she brought it downstairs into the Laundry basket.

Aelfrith · 03/02/2014 15:31

Losing battle, innit?

I'm a SAHM so I go I each morning when they've gone and do the worst bits...dead food, cups, plates, put dirty laundry in basket and make the bed. Open the window wide to fumigate. Then leave everything else.

Everything else is...clean clothes/once worn clothes, shoes, school books, DVDs, CDs, various electronic things, hair straightens and 20 million products associated with hair, homework, craft projects half finished, make up, magazines, belts, TV remotes, books, pens etc etc. I leave all of these on the floor as this is where the DCs like them stored, all jumbled up together. Lovely.

Shut door, and forget.

3littlefrogs · 03/02/2014 15:36

Yes. YAB completely U.
Just close the door on it.
When you find the mess extending to other areas of the house, put it into a black bin bag and place the bin bag in their bed.
Then go and have or .
You will feel loads better.

Eventually they will realise that they cannot find anything and will start to get organised.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/02/2014 15:43

You aren't unreasonable to want them to tidy their rooms, but sadly I think you are unrealistic expecting them to do it (especially if you do it for them).

I am the proud owner of three boys, aged 16, 18 and 20, and their rooms are dreadful - ds1 and ds's less so, because they are at university, messing up accomodation I don't get to see or worry about.

Interestingly, having a financial stake in keeping the place tidy (because they have paid deposits which they won't get back if they don't take care of their rooms and the shared rooms) has made them more responsible and diligent about keeping their university accomodation clean and tidy. It hasn't spilled over to home, though...

bodygoingsouth · 03/02/2014 15:45

I feel your pain op, I really do. I cannot shut the door and forget do I go in and tidy when they are out/in the shower.

I wish I could but I can't.

the best method before they earned and could drive was no lift or cash unless room was tidy! can't do that now.

have no solution but understand.

bodygoingsouth · 03/02/2014 15:47

SDT yes re the uni, they tidied up for the land lords inspection so the idle feckers can when it suits them.

DramaAlpaca · 03/02/2014 16:07

Yep, just close the door on it!

I have boys aged 20, 19 & 16. I have a couple of rules. I insist that they bring any mugs, plates etc down to the kitchen every day & empty their bins once a week. I remind them to change their bed linen every couple of weeks, but other than that I leave them to it. The middle one will have a good tidy up every so often, the other two seem to quite like living in squalor

They've learned the hard way that if they don't put out their laundry it doesn't get done.

I'm still working on getting them to do their own laundry, but they keep telling me they can't tell the difference between the washing machine & the tumble drier .

Olivegirl · 03/02/2014 16:16

This is good advice ...and I think I need to take it
dds 18yrs & 16 yrs ....rooms are a complete and utter mess ..unless I tidy them , which I do ..can't help myself when they've gone off to school/ work.
I've have many friends screeching at me to not do it and just shut the door!
Dds will take it upon themselves very occasionally to clean and tidy, but if I'm honest that happens maybe twice a year!
Dd2 rang me the other day in a panic asking me to make sure her bed was made and room tidy as she was on her way home with friends ....I rushed to do it

chickydoo · 03/02/2014 16:24

I feel your pain
3 teens.....total horror regarding bedrooms.
DD's (18) room has more cutlery, crockery & empty packets of food in than the kitchen. It makes me weep
I work full time (and then some) so I just don't have the time required to sort their rooms out.

SlimJiminy · 03/02/2014 16:43

I was awful as a teenager - unbelievably untidy - but I never expected my parents to clean up after me. I was quite happy for them to shut the door on it and leave me to live in squalor We were never allowed food in the bedroom though!

That all changed when I went to uni and realised that actually some people DID expect someone else to tidy up after them - and as their parents weren't around to do it, they just expected their housemates to do it for them instead. Cheeky bastards. I actually turned into a bit of a neat freak then - and still am - you wouldn't have predicted that if you'd seen the state of my room as a kid.

You can't turn back the clock, but you can teach them to either tidy up their own stuff or live with the mess. Stop doing it for them. Pigs.

Grumpykins · 03/02/2014 17:07

You need to allow them to tidy their own rooms. I understand your need to do it for them but they will never take responsibility.

My dm stopped tidying my room once I turned 11/12 years old.

Triliteral · 03/02/2014 17:13

We've linked it to pocket-money. A certain amount allocated each day that the room is tidy. It worked for a while, though gradually I can see things deteriorating a bit. Eldest son (16) has definitely improved now there is a girlfriend on the scene. Actually I personally favour leaving it and shutting the door, but DH wasn't so keen, and actually I do prefer it when they are tidy.

handcream · 03/02/2014 17:14

They are living in your house. So your rules apply. Bringing food in and jus leaving it lying around will encourage flies and some of it will end up being trodden into the carpet...

When they live away from your home they can live how they like!

Sorry, I seem to be a voice of one on this thread

NearTheWindmill · 03/02/2014 17:20

My mum tidied up after me. When I moved out there was no-one else to do it so I did it. Actually my mum tidied up a bit too much and I vowed my children would be able to feel their rooms were their own. DS's room has had horrendous moments. It's lovely at present - he's in NZ . DD has never been quite as bad.

Ragwort · 03/02/2014 17:28

I refuse to allow my teenager to take food/drinks (except water ) to his room & so far he does obey me. apart from a few sweet wrappers.

Other than that I think you have to do as everyone else says, close the door and ignore it.

Do they pay anything for 'board' - I suppose you could suggest that you increase it to include 'cleaning' costs.

Olive - why are you rushing to clean up for your DD - perhaps bringing a friend home to a messy room might have shamed her into doing her own cleaning rather than relying on mum.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/02/2014 17:35

No dinner until all the last day's plates are down and washed
No doing their washing or making their beds.

Rod > Back.

BadgersRetreat · 03/02/2014 17:38

my room was a total tip when i was a teen - not food and plates, just clothes everywhere. My mum dispaired, poor woman.

Soon as i moved out I changed totally - people comment on how tidy our house is - they'll grow out of it OP my sister didn't

Olivegirl · 03/02/2014 17:40

I agree ragwort , and thought exactly that as I was tidying up!

Need to try it ...
I've just said to dd1 ...I'm now going to shut your door and ignore your mess ok ?
She smiled sweetly and said yes mum that's fine ...just let it fester....

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