Or is my friend?

[Arohaitis]

OK I really need to ask for help to deal with this.....
Friend came over today, I find her visits difficult since she has a young child (we each have one that play together she has another, younger) and tends to not supervise her youngest at all, consequently I will often spend hours tidying up and cleaning after the youngest (it's not my strong point and I am a bit of a neat freak now my dcs are older) she let's her walk around with a bottle dribbling milk all over the floor or off with iced cake into the living room (we have always had a no eating/drinking anything other than water outside the kitchen rule thanks mainly to living in rented!) hence lots of cleaning. My house is not toddler friendly so I don't think this girl has visited without breaking at least one of my kids toys.

I try very hard to avoid her visits, so I will leave my car down the street, go out when I know she will drop by, or hide and not answer the door!!!!! Since I find them so difficult to cope with.

last week she came over kid had bottle in mouth the whole time (lots of spilt milk) giggle giggle silly me you shouldn't have that bottle is all she says, never mops it up, pooed all over her clothes (chair was plastic!) threw food all over my floor and carpet, smeared fruit all over my kitchen floor, had to have a shower to de-poo, (hence I have dirty shower, wet floor and towels to clean) pooed again (poo on chair living room floor and bathmat) broke two toys and then weeed on the floor.

Help me deal with this without alienating my friend, I pretty much have no one else I see socially (new and very insular small town!) I would like to see her but really really want to give the whole kid, playdate thing a swerve.

How old is the child?! Why did she not just do a clear up with baby wipes?!

Arrange to meet outside of the house, like a park or something?

If I were in your position I would just bluntly tell her to clean up after her own child, but I'm stupidly intolerable.

Talk to her about the no eating outside the kitchen and make sure she cant access your dcs toys. Enforce or meet somewhere else!

Tbh the rest I think you are being ott.

Always meet up with her out of the house, as soon as the weather warms up it will be parks all the time and at the moment soft play and such.

I have quite a few friends with littler children that are park friends.

Child is 2
She seems not to see the mess (her house is clean and tidy but there again she doesn't clean milk of her carpet like I do) or I am cleaning milk and apricots off the kitchen floor while she was showering the kid.

Trouble is she always comes round (hence the hiding car, going out etc) I don't invite her to come over IYSWIM

Can you that I guess is what I am trying to work out, which bit did you mean? Is not wanting to clean poo off a chair twice in 1 hour OTT? Does it just sound like we have a different idea of clean IYSWIM

Thanks for being so gentle!

Surely the child pooed by accident?

are you friends beyond children?

I always think we as women are forced into a horrendous " ooh we will get on as mummies and do mummy things like playgroup and sing fucking nursery rhymes"

when in fact, you actually want a friend to have a drink with or a nice meal out without children

I wouldn't have a child in my house if they were incontinent and not wearing a nappy.

Is your friend actually very nice? She sounds very inconsiderate

If she has a two year old, there will be mess, so I don't understand why you are complaining about food on the kitchen floor, that's why you have food in the kitchen, it's easily cleaned up.

The child should be in pull ups, the Mum has a cheek if she expects to toilet train in other peoples houses, I agree with you on that point.

She also should bring age appropriate toys.

You seem to not like the child, for being a child. She is behaving as you would expect a two year old to.

MPB yes of course

(if my child had pooed in someone else's living room I would clean up obviously then either put a nappy on or I guess go home but TBH if my child was pooing all over the place I thought they wren't getting it and went back a step or two child has not been in nappies for around 2 months)

You know that way you can kind of tell something is coming (signs or habit) well she had said a couple of times do you want a poo etc.

TBH it is not all about today's pooing it is the lack of supervision when I have told her my house is no longer toddler friendly, the giving a child iced cake in her hand and allowing her to wander off into the living room where I realise it has been smeared all over a bean bag after they leave (I hadn't seen child get cake or go to living room I was making tea) and all those little balls get everywhere the broken toys every visit, the amount of tidying up when they leave.

Custy maybe that is it, as I said I have no real friends here

Keep them in the kitchen and repeat 'no food or drink allowed outwith this room'.

If she makes a mess, offer baby wipes to the mother prompting her to clean it up

When she arrives at your door unexpectedly grab your coat saying you are just heading out and rearranging a meeting in her house

Um re not liking child she was a cute nice baby, as she grew she is always so filthy I do find her a bit difficult, I really don't think it is because she is behaving like a two year old, I have several other friends with 2 year olds and I don't find them difficult in the same way at all.

Lol choc have done that too

The way we were snuggled under a duvet with the DVD and crackers when she came round the back and peered through the window after I didn't answer the door kind of lost me my chance for that

So shall I be honest with the Mum and try meeting elsewhere? What shall I say? How to I say I don't want you to come round anymore but am happy to meet in the park

Are there any meet up groups you could join to meet people in an adult way. Having few friends puts you in a rather vulnerable position and means like you feel obliged to put up with crap. Otherwise you need to have a clear conversation with her about how upset you feel and take the consequences. Good luck!

I think you need to get tougher with her and insist that they stay in the kitchen, no wandering at all. She'll either accept that or have a strop and stop visiting. And, since you don't actually enjoy her visits, that's not going to be much of a loss, is it?

Then focus on developing relationships that do work for you, whether that's meeting up with people at a park or softplay, or childfree times in a cafe. It's difficult, but it really doesn't sound like this 'friendship' is much of one.

Yanbu at all! Your friend is!

I would be quietly seething in your position. Why should you be cleaning up poo, wee, milk and thrown food after her toddler in your own home?

Make sure that you always arrange to meet out somewhere, in a coffee shop or a soft play as someone else suggested. When she just turns up, tell her you're terribly sorry but you're just about to go out and you'll see her another day. Do it every time she knocks on the door (unless you can successfully hide behind the sofa) and maybe she'll get the message.

Seriously, a 'friend' who you hide from isn't a friend. It's completely weird (and consistent with her inappropriate boundaries) to come round the back of someone's house and peer through their window when they don't answer the door. There's nothing wrong with the 2 year old except her parent.

Go out and do stuff (if you don't have a small child at home during the day I assume you can join clubs and things?) and make new friends. I know it takes a while when you move to a small town but it can be done. You'd be better off watching telly on your own than keeping this woman in your life.

Sorry didn't read the bit about potty training assumed it had leaked out of nappy.

I would've cleaned up though.

And don't let mine walk around with food or drinks.

Well, the first thing to do is to pass her a cloth whenever her child makes a mess.

"here you go, that'll clean her mess right up"

Tell her straight to stay in the kitchen. Don't move from it yourself. Say "just get her back in here now please. I want us to stay in the kitchen."

Don't offer food and if she gives the child food, insist the child sits down to eat it.

If she doesn't like it, she'll stop coming round.

Do you even like this woman? Enjoy chatting with her? Feel like you have a lot in common? Ever meet up with her for an evening out?

My cousin was like this with her ds. She just wouldn't see it. She would bring chocolate biscuits with her for him, it was a nightmare. His favourite toy was my iPhone. The speaker dosnt work now as there is ground chocolate in it.

As your in rented property, you could say. Landlord is viewing property. You are on strict no eating in anywhere except kitchen. If baby makes a mess, pass her some kitchen roll while continuing conversation so she has to deal with it.

Blame it all on landlord

Oh cross post!

YANBU.

I know what you mean, I am a bit of a neat freak but I have a 2 year old. Both my children are growing up learning to be clean and tidy because they do pick some things up from me, and some things I am teaching them (like putting something away if they want to play with something else). I have a tiny house so it has to be kept tidy, otherwise we will all be tripping over all the time. They are also careful with their toys and not destructive. I find it hard when DS has a friend over and they just aren't careful with toys. Yes you can play with them, but there is no need to be rough to the point that they will break. I do think that children should be taught to look after their things more.

I had (note the word had) a friend that knew I was like this (and this was rented accommodation at the time as well) and when her child trod crisps into my carpet, my 'friend' just looked and said "oh well, something for CrapBag to hoover up" and laughed. I was not amused.

If you have a rule where you only eat in the kitchen, enforce it. People think I am anal because I don't let children walk around with food, I don't want their mess everywhere but its also a choking hazard. When I done my first aid course, the instructor said a lot of the times when children choke, its because they were walking around with their food.

Be honest.. Tell her you find it stressful and suggest somewhere child friendly that doesn't cause you to have to clean up or get annoyed. If she is a real friend she will take it on the chin.

Also because I'm quite blunt I would say please don't visit unannounced, I hate surprise guests and I turn them away.
You should not feel like a sitting duck in your own home.

OK right thanks

Interesting that you consider going round the back unacceptable (I am pretty sure I would only do that on a very sunny day if I had pre organised something and expected friend to be in garden)

I am going to have to toughen up aren't I

(Look out for the thread about making friends next week)

I see
The quick answers are
A bit sometimes. no. and a couple of times

"Dear Jane. hope you're having a good week. I hope you don't mind but I am cutting right back on after school visits. Would you like to meet at x place on x date at x time instead?" (name a soft play place, cafe or park).

If it makes you feel more comfortable you could say you are finding the kids get very tired with too many after school things, or that you want more family time, or whatever. I don't think you should feel you have to give any excuse but if it makes it easier for you then go for it.

Then practice a script in your head for if she turns up at your door. Practice it in advance so you feel able to say it. "Hi Jane, really sorry, today isn't great for us. Looking forward to seeing you next week at the park though" or something.

Do you also go round hers?