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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we see the in-laws enough and they should lay off the guilt trips?

37 replies

InlawsFromPurgatory · 02/02/2014 17:02

DH, the dc's and I moved counties last June and now live about 4 hours drive, 6 hours train (as neither of us drive yet) away from most of our family. We never demanded that any of our family should be happy about it as it was our decision but did hope they'd be happy for us and at least be reasonable about it, which most are but PIL's, MIL especially, are still pressuring us to visit continuously and never seem satisfied with how much we can see them now.

So far we've been to see them for 2 separate weeks in the summer and they came to see us for one, then they came and stayed with us the whole of the autumn half term and we stayed with them for 5 days over Christmas, giving them near enough the entire Christmas holiday (only saw my family Christmas Eve of that week) and we're staying with them for 4 days over the Feb half term which, with the extra 2 travelling days is near enough the whole time. But MIL keeps saying we don't see them very much and going on about how hard it is for her and how they're such a close family that she feels she should get more time with us.

I understand she's probably still adjusting to having DH living so far away and she's entitled to feel however she feels but AIBU about the amount of time we're visiting them - DH and I feel we're spending at least as much time with them as most people who live a decent distance away do and that they're getting a fair deal, but MIL thinks we should be visiting a lot more and keeps saying we're not being very fair to her and FIL (doesn't help that we live nearer to my DM now so MIL thinks we're with her all the time even though we're not). DH is feeling increasingly guilt-tripped and wondering if she's right that people who live away from family usually visit more, so suggested I ask the assembled throng of MN, seeing as (in his words) "they seem more spot on than Google" (a high compliment).

OP posts:

harriet247 · 02/02/2014 17:06

Yanbu-you sound very fair, do either of you have akype? Might help?

WitchWay · 02/02/2014 17:07

She is being selfish, demanding & controlling - perhaps it was ever thus but you couldn't see it because it was easier to see more of her when you were closer. I think you tend to make more of the visits when they happen, as you have been doing by making them a few days long rather than just a weekend. I don't think you ought to be visiting a lot more - you ought to be settling into your new environment & making local friends. I don't supposed it has occurred to her that it was previously more difficult to see your mum?

Bearfrills · 02/02/2014 17:07

I think you're seeing them more than enough, especially if its at the expense of seeing your side of the family.

Aside from feeling guilty, what does your DH say? They're his parents so he's the one who needs to have a firm word with them about it.

Also, have they not heard of Skype? That way they can 'see' you all without all the travelling.

WitchWay · 02/02/2014 17:08

"she feels she should get more time" - selfish

CMOTDibbler · 02/02/2014 17:08

If you spread it out, you'd be with them more than a day a week by that count, which is a huge amount imo, especially when you are staying over.

We've never lived very near any of our family - right now its a 40 min drive to the PIL, 90 min to my parents and we see them for 4 hours a month maybe, often less of the PIL as they go away for long holidays and didn't see ds from June to December last year.

I'd 'mmmm, ooh, did I tell you about dcs swimming' sort of tactic - a swift change of subject and no reaction

Chocotrekkie · 02/02/2014 17:11

Oh I get this from my mum. We are about 6 hours drive away.

Last year she came down for feb half term week, I went up with dc's for most of a week in the summer and then over a week at Christmas.

I phone most nights and the dc's FaceTime her at least once a week and show her lovely things junk they made at school.

She spends most of the time moaning how she hardly sees us , how short the visits are and how the dc's are growing up so fast.

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 02/02/2014 17:12

What about people who live overseas? Sometimes families are lucky to see each other once a year. I think you are visiting your parents in law lots, you and they need your own lives and travelling long distances with young children is exhausting and expensive.

It's nice to keep in touch by phone but considering the distance involved it seems you are being more than fair.

phantomnamechanger · 02/02/2014 17:14

how old are the DC, are they at school yet because you are already seeing them in each holiday/half term and other than flying visits at weekends, which with older Dc homework might be an issue, there's not a lot more you can fit in. Add to that kids social lives/footie club/party invites and getting to know your new area/do things YOU enjoy, you just cannot commit your whole life to visiting them! SIBU, and should think herself lucky. DO NOT get in to the habit of them expecting you to go there/its their turn to come to you - presumably you will want to go other places too?

Musicaltheatremum · 02/02/2014 17:14

Gosh that's a lot of long visits. I agree she is probably adjusting to her son moving away but really you can't keep up the regular visits if they live far away. Obviously with the length of time travelling you need to go for a decent amount of time to make it worth your while but factor in seeing your parents too and it starts to take over your life.
You also have to factor in your holidays too as you can't spend all of them with your in laws.
My parents live 2-2.5 hours drive away I saw them in July quite a lot for birthday reasons then August for a couple of hours on our way back from holiday then October for 2 nights Christmas for 2 nights and it will be March before I see them again. My mother in law lives 1.5 hours away and I haven't seen her since October. I am widowed though and just don't get up there very often. My children are 20 and 18. I won't have seen my daughter from 30th December until February 13th. My son comes home more often but his girlfriend is still here!

We skype quite a lot which helps but I would have thought 4 times a year at that distance would be quite sufficient. If you factor in your parents too that is 8 family visits a year.

It is hard not to see family often. When my husband was very ill it would have been lovely to have them but really they do have to get used to seeing you less frequently. Wait until your children have lots of weekend things to do. It gets harder.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 02/02/2014 17:14

We live 2hrs from mil. Maybe once every month for one day, taking it in turns.

mindthegap01 · 02/02/2014 17:14

YANBU!DH and I moved 4 hours away from both of our families due to work and it is very hard-especially with not having the support of extended family close by, but it was definitely the right decision for our family. It sounds to me as if you see them plenty. We don't see ours any more often than that and we drive. People can forget that weekends and school holidays are precious when you work full time. You're not camping out temporarily in the place you've moved to, it's your home and you're making friends and a life for yourselves there. It doesn't mean you love your family any less but they need to accept and understand that! My in-laws are much the same. You've moved away, not us, so obviously the onus is on you to spend most of your holidays with us, because why would you be busy with your own lives? Grrrr. I feel your pain, best of luck!

Morgause · 02/02/2014 17:20

We lived away from my grandparents and saw them every school holiday (my parents were teachers) and they visited in between. So more than you're seeing yours. I loved it.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 02/02/2014 17:22

We live 300 miles from each set of parents, one set one direction, the other set the opposite... We see ours maybe twice a year each for weekends... We always go to them, once each around Christmas but not the day itself, either side usually for a weekend, and usually a week in a common location where we pay for accommodation and see both sets equally but that will have to stop now restricted by school holidays. They moan like hell as well, but never ever come to us, and we have busy lives so it's become the case of having to tell them this as they just don't get it, the lack of time, the tiredness, the kids disinterest in travelling nor the expense... So yes you are being more than fair in my eyes

ProfYaffle · 02/02/2014 17:23

I live about 4hrs from my parents. When we see them varies but I think averages out about every 6 or 8 weeks either them coming here or us going there.

tbf you've not been gone that long (it's 14 years for me now) your ils will still be adjusting. My parents were the same at first, expecting me to go back at the drop of a hat, obsessively phoning etc but they've relaxed over time.

One thing we do sometimes is meet somewhere in the middle for a day out, 2 hrs isn't so bad for a day trip.

ContinentalKat · 02/02/2014 17:29

My own mother is exactly the same, always nagging that we're not visiting often enough. I just turn round to her and tell her if she keeps on nagging she'll be seeing even less of us. Really gets on my tits!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/02/2014 17:38

YANBU

We got this from my DM when we moved abroad and were flying her over (at our expense not hers) for a week every couple of months.

the visits were too infrequent
the visits were too short (no, quite long enough!)
the visits cost too much (how? we paid for her flights and fed her when she visited?)
the children were growing up too fast (what exactly were we supposed to do about that?)

Since we moved back she now looks back and misses her 'little holidays'.

My conclusion - some people will grumble no matter what.

WelshMaenad · 02/02/2014 17:42

Same sort of distance as we live from my inlaws. We see them 3 times a year for 2-3 days at a time. Your MIL sounds very high maintenance.

That says DH moved away at 18 and was settled here before we met and had the kids. Maybe she's struggling with the newness of it. But if you're going to put your foot down, do it soon, or these excessive visits will become the expected norm. The WHOLE AUTUMN TERM? Fucking madness.

ilovepowerhoop · 02/02/2014 17:50

we live 6 hours drive away from the in-laws and see them 2-3 times a year for a few days at a time (thats quite enough for me!). We only live a few miles away from my mum/family and i tend to see her once a week on the day the dc's go to swimming lessons

PorridgeBrain · 02/02/2014 17:56

Agree that it's more than enough, infact maybe too much. Beware that they may expect you to give up every holiday if you continue to do it every time unless of course you don't want any times to yourselves in the holidays.

Agree with others, if you set up Skype, it may help them not feel they are missing out.

It will take them a while to adjust but they will have to unfortunately. Good luck

selsigfach · 02/02/2014 17:56

We don't have children so maybe i'm not qualified to speak but that sounds madness, you're putting in far more hours than I would in your situation. If we do conceive, I think a weekend every three months would be more than reasonable when having to travel for 3-5 hours. I saw my grandparents (in Ireland) for a few days once a year growing up.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/02/2014 17:57

Add up all the holidays you get.

Divide by 3.

1/3 for you as a family, 1/3 for your family and 1/3 for his family.

If it's more than that - then you can comfortably cut back with a damn good excuse.

fairylightsatchristmas · 02/02/2014 17:59

My parents are an hour away and we see them about every 2-3 weeks from about 11am til after the kids have gone to bed. DH's parents (divorced, so two sets) are a 4 hr drive away. We go there at Xmas, Easter and the summer, usually for about a week, split between the two sets (exactly evenly or there's hell to pay!) We have stopped going at half term now because DS is at school and we work FT time now and we want time just for us. They visit us on random weekends about once every 2-3 months. They probably see the kids more than my folks because we are in the same house so they see them from first light. Its not about being "fair". You have made the move for good reasons for your family and they need to adjust to not being on the doorstep. You also do need to watch that your parents don't get the short straw every xmas because of this - I make sure that mine see them either on boxing day or xmas eve and the trip to PILs works around that. We stayed home last year and had people come to us. Maybe put the onus on them to be specific and come up with a number of visits that they think is appropriate and start the discussion from there.

MimiSunshine · 02/02/2014 18:00

Work out how many days you've doesn't with them say from Christmas to February half term then next time she brings it up, just laugh and say but we've seen you 1/4 of the last xdays, with us working 5 days a week that's nearly all our free time.

My parents used to moan that I don't see them enough but don't make the effort to visit me (fully able) and promised they'd come down for a day / weekend in January, I left them to let me know the date and so far I'm still waiting, if I called and said are you free for us to visit on z weekend they'pd be free.

NewtRipley · 02/02/2014 18:06

IMO, you see a lot of them.

I second the idea of meeting for day trips sometimes.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 02/02/2014 18:08

HOly crap, you see them loads! YAsoNBU

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