To think we see the in-laws enough and they should lay off the guilt trips?

[InlawsFromPurgatory]

DH, the dc's and I moved counties last June and now live about 4 hours drive, 6 hours train (as neither of us drive yet) away from most of our family. We never demanded that any of our family should be happy about it as it was our decision but did hope they'd be happy for us and at least be reasonable about it, which most are but PIL's, MIL especially, are still pressuring us to visit continuously and never seem satisfied with how much we can see them now.

So far we've been to see them for 2 separate weeks in the summer and they came to see us for one, then they came and stayed with us the whole of the autumn half term and we stayed with them for 5 days over Christmas, giving them near enough the entire Christmas holiday (only saw my family Christmas Eve of that week) and we're staying with them for 4 days over the Feb half term which, with the extra 2 travelling days is near enough the whole time. But MIL keeps saying we don't see them very much and going on about how hard it is for her and how they're such a close family that she feels she should get more time with us.

I understand she's probably still adjusting to having DH living so far away and she's entitled to feel however she feels but AIBU about the amount of time we're visiting them - DH and I feel we're spending at least as much time with them as most people who live a decent distance away do and that they're getting a fair deal, but MIL thinks we should be visiting a lot more and keeps saying we're not being very fair to her and FIL (doesn't help that we live nearer to my DM now so MIL thinks we're with her all the time even though we're not). DH is feeling increasingly guilt-tripped and wondering if she's right that people who live away from family usually visit more, so suggested I ask the assembled throng of MN, seeing as (in his words) "they seem more spot on than Google" (a high compliment).

If it helps, we live the same distance from my ILs. They see the dcs every two months. I'm sure Mil would like to see them more, but keeps her mouth shut thankfully!

You see them loads!!!

My in laws are 90 minutes a way - we get on fine but no room for house guests really at either end. MIL has met DC 3 twice in 5 months - sil still hasn't.....

Note to self - sort out visit to sil and stop waiting for DH to sort it out!!

According to DH:

• you can please all the people some of the time
• you can please some people all of the time

but you cant please your mother (unless she wants to be pleased)

Your DH is very wise, WorrySigh !

YANBU - sounds like a lot of visits to me. We're a similar distance from PIL & generally visit 3/4 times a year. They used to visit us a couple of times too, but in recent years it seems to have been left entirely down to us to do the travelling, so we've generally responded to the odd bit of guilt-tripping by stating the obvious - that they can visit us too!

We live 10 minutes drive from MIL. We see her about once every six weeks, for about 3 hours. Thank god it's not more, I'd have to emigrate.

Also, if she had more time when would she propose you went to work or sent the kids to school... I wonder if it's a recent grandparent thing as I'm seeing lots of this entitlement, I barely saw my grandparents from one season to the next and we lived up the road... I never felt I missed out, they didn't either, everyone was much too busy living their lives... She needs a hobby and your not it!

That's actually a huge amount of time to be seeing them.

We live 4-6h away from ILs, and stay with them 2-3 nights at a time, 2-3 times a year. Once every year or two they come and stay with us for a couple of nights.

We live 1-2h away from my parents, and see them as a family about once in 6w. It varies because they travel a lot, so sometimes we might see them twice in one month, and at other times not for 3 months. We stay overnight a few times a year. During school holidays I try to take the dc for an overmighter.

We never dedicate the whole of a half term to staying with any of the gps. None if us could take a whole week with each other! We also want to travel. Several times pairs of gps have joined us in cottages around the UK, which has always worked out better than visiting in each others' homes - neutral territory, I think.

YANBU

BTW my parents, especially my mum, also try to guilt trip is into seeing them more often.

[shoulder shrug emoticon]

We live 3 hours away from my parents and only visit them twice a year. In the 20 years we have been down here they have only visited at most 6 times. Neither of us can afford more often even though we want to. I think you are spending plenty of time with them.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Wow, I don't think she has anything to complain about! You're seeing them loads and for nice long visits too. My MIL lives about a 3 hour drive away and we go there every 6 weeks or so, just for the weekend. I couldn't ever do more than a couple of days with my MIL as she's bloody hard work.

How often does your MIL think you should be going?