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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need a bit of advice on how to resolve a family issue

75 replies

Jill1978 · 02/02/2014 08:11

Before I start, I'll apologise for what is likely to be a long(ish) post.

My hubby's brother and his wife-to-be are getting married in late April. They've decided to get married in a really nice (but expensive) resort in Southern California and in Autumn sent out invites to friends and family.

To set the scene, they're both in their late 20's, have good jobs, with good salaries, no kids and a small flat (with a small mortgage). By comparison, my Hubby and I have 2 pre-school kids, a decent mortgage and I only work part time. We're by no means struggling but we're not rolling in it...

When the invites came out we spent a couple of weeks most evenings searching online to see how we could make the trip work financially and practically with a young family. The upshot of our searching was that to take 4 of us nearly 1/3 of the way around the world and stay for the wedding was costing ~£7,000, involved a 16 hour flight (with 1 connection) and when we got there an 8 hour time difference. We just can't afford to do it and really don't want to put the kids though it either. After a lot of thought we said that we wouldn't be going, We didn't mention the cost because we didn't want to make them feel in any way guilty about deciding to go abroad - it's their wedding afterall, and really expected them to understand - how wrong could we be....

The wife-to-be went ballistic, totally spat the dummy, said we were ruining her big day and it if was her sister who had let them down she would never ever talk to her again! At Christmas where we all gather at my mother-in-law's she didn't say a word to either of us all day and was really short and cold with the kids which upset me. Hubby's brother pulled her aside and had a word, but it's become apparent over the last 3 months that he's very much under the thumb and she rules the roost. To add insult to injury, her father waded into the argument and even suggested that we get a personal loan from the bank to cover it since "it's a once in a lifetime event and bank rates are low at the moment".

Its been quiet over the last month and both my hubby and I were beginning to think that her behaviour (which seemed quite out of character) was maybe as a result of wedding stress etc and that the worst was over. However, I've now since discovered that I've not been invited to the hen night but unbelievably, we've been issued with a wedding gift list from John Lewis, where the cheapest item is £95! Seems we've fallen out of favour but not enough that we can't buy them a gift!

Really not sure what to do, obviously don't want to stoke the fires and cause more friction but this rift is really dividing the family. Hubby's parents are now siding with us and giving her the cold shoulder and my poor brother-in-law's caught up in the middle which I think is having an effect on his relationship with my hubby which up until this nonsense was really close......

Any ideas? It's really getting under my skin and upsetting my hubby and I, finding that it's always on my mind and has started keeping me awake at night.

OP posts:

smable · 02/02/2014 09:55

7k is unlikely, unless the really nice resort in California is Disney.

YellowDinosaur · 02/02/2014 10:02

To those disputing 7k is that really the point? Because even half of that is twice the cost of our family summer holiday, to a place of our choice. So there is just no way we'd be able to afford even half of this and our family income is above average too.

And the op did say it was to an exclusive and expensive resort in the op - is it really beyond the realms of people's understanding that it could cost this much?

YellowDinosaur · 02/02/2014 10:05

And even sending dh on his own is likely to be between 1.5 and 2k, which would mean in our family we'd have no family holiday. A sacrifice I'd have been very happy to make before for future sil started behaving like a selfish entitled bitch. After what has gone on, and especially because her dh is actually more pissed of with this than her, frankly they could get fucked.

rookiemater · 02/02/2014 10:06

Agreed yellowdinosaur - even if it costs £3-£4k it's still a ludicrous amount to shell out on going to a wedding.

Also agree with plasmaball - I reckon to go to a do in the UK would have cost you around £200-£300 by the time you factor in new outfits and a night at a hotel, so I would spend that on the gift and I would pick it from the wedding list.

Original poster

Jill1978 · 02/02/2014 10:10

Sorry, original post might have been a bit misleading r.e. cost. We looked at making it a family holiday for 2 weeks to try and justify the cost and time spent travelling, that was £7k. Because its over the easter break, flights alone are £3500. To only got for 4-5 days for the wedding is £5000 (family room at the resort is £268/night over easter weekend) so we thought we could chip in another couple of thousand go somewhere cheaper after the wedding and turn it into a proper fortnight's holiday.

OP posts:

jay55 · 02/02/2014 10:13

Given how nuts she's gone over this, I can't see the marriage lasting, especially if someone richer comes along.
So it's not worth wasting the worry on, if your husband and brother look to be able to get over it.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 02/02/2014 10:22

OP Yanbu not to go to the wedding but I wouldn't have been a bit surprised not to be invited to the hen night, given that bride-to-be is so upset about it

Classic bridezilla behaviour. I've come across it several times It does usually blow over after the wedding - you may just have to endure the odd snide remark.

Ignore, ignore, and get them a present - you would always buy a brother a wedding present regardless of attending the wedding or not.

DontmindifIdo · 02/02/2014 10:29

OP- could you send your DH on his own staying somewhere cheap nearby only for a couple of days? But if you can't, you can't.

I would get your DH to take his DB out for a drink and explain the costs to your family, and that you just can't afford it (I'd suggest he uses the phrase "look, you might not have realised, but we're not as rich as you are."). If he can compromise on going alone (would DB stump up half the flight cost for DH? If it's that important he's there, he pays) then that might be worth it, but if you can't afford that and if DH really doesn't want to go, then leave it.

For the gift suggestion, I would say if they have a gift list with John Lewis, don't go off list, that will just give her more reason to grump at you, buy John Lewis gift vouchers the the value of what you'd spend. they can put the vouchers towards anything on their gift list they don't get that they really want/need. You can then calmly say you weren't sure what to get off their list so wanted to make it their choice. There's no way that can be twisted to you being in the wrong.

I have a hard work SIL, she was a complete bridezilla. I tend to think it's best to try to find ways to avoid doing anything that could be interpreted as a slight or insult. I've had the moral high ground for a couple of years now, worth it not to be the crazy one.

Tryharder · 02/02/2014 10:58

Agree with the suggestion to send your DH alone.

But £7k? Really?

Seems a bit much for four flights and accommodation in a country where hotels and motels are usually very reasonably priced.

I am sure you could get it much cheaper than that. Is £7k flying British Airways first class and staying at the Ritz?

I am sure you can get cheaper flights and stay in budget accommodation.

I would expect to pay no more than £2.5k possibly £3k in those circumstances.

Thetallesttower · 02/02/2014 11:07

I wouldn't want to pay out £3k anyway it won't cost that once you add in meals, parking at airport etc- it would be a fortune.

If the bride came from California I would make an effort for one family member to go (your husband). But to drag everyone over there with no connection with the place, absolutely ridiculous.

I don't think some people get that if you don't have that kind of money, you just don't. I wouldn't. I had a friend have a surprise wedding in Italy, even more surprising when she reserved accommodation for us as a family for £1000 for the week. I had to tell her we just couldn't afford it. I don't have £2k (inc flights at last minute) just sitting about one month!

Electryone · 02/02/2014 11:57

tryharder I guess you didn't read OPs post explaining the costs and about turning it into a family holiday? Me, DH and 2 DSs holidayed in California for a fortnight last year and it was over £6,000, that was flying United from Glasgow and and that was staying in some cheaper places to, when we got to Southern California Santa Barbara was more expensive, is this where the wedding is OP? Why are people questioning OP on the costs, are people implying shes lying?

Its too long a way to go for just a short break, you would have to make it into a proper holiday, but why should OP if its not what they want.

curiousgeorgie · 02/02/2014 12:16

I know people are well meaning when they suggest your DH go alone, but personally when I was in this same situation the idea of DH spending money we could have used for a family holiday, to go to an occasion I couldn't while I had no choice but to stay home and look after the kids with no help...

Well. It completely pissed me off...

And luckily DH said he would never consider going without me.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 12:23

When people decide to get married somewhere abroad and expensive and choose not to fund family, they are saying

"This year we are going to hijack your family holiday, choose your destination and accommodation for you, decide when you go, force you to pay more than you normally would, determine who you socialise with and expect you to spend a fair amount of time pandering to our every whim because it is our wedding"

Not bride-and-groom-zilla at all then!

OP YANBU and you shouldn't feel any obligation to justify your decision.

YellowDinosaur · 02/02/2014 12:26

Really curiousgeorgie? You'd begrudge your dh going to his brothers wedding? Luckily my dh is a lot more understanding and didn't begrudge me going to see my sister and her new baby in new Zealand. In fact it was his idea and suggestion and he worked hard to persuade me to go.

In the op situation where the sil is being an entitled nightmare then yes I'd begrudge it a bit in my own head but would support him if that was what he really wanted to do. But in a normal situation with normal considerate family? I'd be booking him the ticket myself if we could afford it.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 12:29

Yellow, if your Dsis lives out there it's a different situation.

The OP's DH can see his brother in this country whenever he wants.

Rosa · 02/02/2014 12:29

You are not being in any way un reasonable over this and she should stick her dummy where the sun doesn't shine IMO.

If she really 'cared' about those missing the ceremony overseas she should look at having a party in the Uk for those who don't have £000000's to spend on a wedding.

YellowDinosaur · 02/02/2014 12:32

Goldmandra I very much agree with your post about people who get married abroad cannot expect anyone to attend. But it isn't just to see her dh brother. He's getting married. This does make it different I think and if this was me I'd want to support dh to go if that was what he wanted.

YellowDinosaur · 02/02/2014 12:35

What I mean is is absolutely not unreasonable to not go. But it's also not unreasonable to suggest that one solution is for the dh to go alone. My post was in response to curiousgeorgie saying she'd resent this. Which isn't how my family worth - we support each other to do things that are important even if that means making sacrifices.

A different situation to the op though because our extended family wouldn't behave like spoilt brats though

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2014 12:38

Just out of curiosity, what do your DH's parents think about it all?

I think you're quite right not to go, but I'd want to sit down with them (as opposed to her DF) and tell them exactly why they're thoughtless, selfish arseholes.

And as for curiousgeorgie's situation - I am beyond horrified. Ideally her DH should have pulled out when 'demoted', but if I'd been humiliated in front of all the guests, I'd have been tempted to retaliate by making a speech of my own. Bastards.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2014 12:40

YellowDinosaur I can see your point about the DH going alone - however:

It would still cost more than a family holiday for just one person to go and the wedding pair have behaved so badly, why should anyone want to go?

MostWicked · 02/02/2014 12:41

What a pair of arses!
If they want a wedding abroad, then that is what they should do, but they should never expect other people to be willing or able to make it.
The world does not revolve around them.

Buy them a £10 gift and a card then go and have a nice holiday with your family, somewhere you have chosen yourself.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 12:43

if this was me I'd want to support dh to go if that was what he wanted.

Fair comment, although it doesn't sound like he would be too keen on that idea either.

The silly woman has cast a shadow over her own wedding by doing this.

I tend to think that people who get married thousands of miles away, do so in order to avoid much of their family being there and I can quite understand that. I just don't get why someone would choose to have a family event on the other side of the world and then spit the dummy because her whole family can't get there.

NearTheWindmill · 02/02/2014 12:43

Oh for the days when one used to receive an invitation, privately decide not to attend (due to cost or clashing engagement) and politely decline:

Mrs and Mrs OP thank Mr and Mrs parents of the bride for their kind invitation to the marriage of their daughter, Bridezilla, to Mr Blank Bloggs but regret they are unable to accept due to a previous engagement.

Meanwhile OP and family book a nice little family break to act as an excuse.

Crowler · 02/02/2014 12:47

Why doesn't your husband go solo?

I assume you're in the UK. I wouldn't take two pre-school aged children on a flight to LA for all the tea in China.

whatareyoueventalkingabout · 02/02/2014 13:19

Everyone makes good points above. It's so ridiculous though for them not to have realised that if it's over Easter the flights will be thousands.

A lot of people have said about you would maybe spend £100 on a wedding in England.

If I were you I would look through the gift list and find the thing that they will use the most often even if it's £250 and write them a letter saying that you would have loved to have come but it was just too expensive for you and suggest that you FaceTime or something so you can see the actual wedding?
If she is still being a fucking bitch about it at least then you have done everything you can x

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