AIBU to be upset (and cross) that dh has asked dsd to lie to me?

[Incandescentrage]

Hi all.

Very simply i caught dsd (15yo) in the act of a lie and when i pressed her on it the next day asking her why she lied to me she told her her dad had told her to say it. He obviously deny's it, but he has previous, having lied to me in the past to suit his own prrsonal agenda. But either way one of them is lying and it makes me unutterably sad that either of them would lie to me - we are family, you just dont, do you?

When i asked dh about it last night he became very sullen and is now saying he wants his dd to move back to her mothers (where she is this weekend). She only moved back in with us 15months ago after her mother asked us to take her as she couldnt cope with her anymore. Tbh she is a really good kid, a little confused by the world sometimes and fairly damaged by her parents divorce. But a good kid. She goes to school, helps round the house, and is a pleasire to be around.

I think this is an extreme reaction and cannot express how damaging this would be on dsd, to have her father reject her so (whom she adores). I have said i forbid him to make her move out over this.

Its a mess this morning. Dh isnt speaking to me this morning. What do i do?

coco why? Because op is only the stepmother? What a ridiculous thing to say!

I wonder when it will finally be socially acceptable for genuine concerns to be flagged about the welfare of a DSC, where the relationship and bond between DSC and SM/ Step Parent is strong. It seems far too black and white "if you're the step parent just butt out, it isn't your business, it isn't your place to get involved".

Maybe it's the 'easy option', maybe in certain cases it is a better option to let the parents sort things out, but IMO, in Incandescentrage situation, that isn't realistic. She is acting appropriately, and is a caring step mum in quite a tricky situation, where the Mother seems to be quite "hands-off" and the Father is just distancing himself and letting his 15yo daughter 'get on with it'.

It may be my assumption (based on the somewhat brief amount of info we have) but it seems Incandescentrage may be the one stable person in DSD's life who gives a damn, so the solution isn't to wash his hands of his daughter- that isn't going to help matters.

It seems like a breakdown of communication, maybe some 'crossed wires' and misunderstandings have occurred that need to be talked through and a reasonable solution agreed, not just bury it and hope the problem goes away.

oops sorry Incandescentrage - I only just noticed you have posted an update - I am really pleased for you that things have moved forward. I still maintain you are an amazing Step Mum :-)

coco why? Because op is only the stepmother? What a ridiculous thing to say!

ridiculous that the opinion of a step parent should override that of teh child's parent?!!! I don't think so.
The father had given his permission for his daughter to ride with this boy.What makes the OP think she can override him.Butt out sticky beak!!
Op can I ask if you have any DC? and how you would feel about someone undermining your parenting decisions??