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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset (and cross) that dh has asked dsd to lie to me?

29 replies

Incandescentrage · 02/02/2014 06:41

Hi all.

Very simply i caught dsd (15yo) in the act of a lie and when i pressed her on it the next day asking her why she lied to me she told her her dad had told her to say it. He obviously deny's it, but he has previous, having lied to me in the past to suit his own prrsonal agenda. But either way one of them is lying and it makes me unutterably sad that either of them would lie to me - we are family, you just dont, do you?

When i asked dh about it last night he became very sullen and is now saying he wants his dd to move back to her mothers (where she is this weekend). She only moved back in with us 15months ago after her mother asked us to take her as she couldnt cope with her anymore. Tbh she is a really good kid, a little confused by the world sometimes and fairly damaged by her parents divorce. But a good kid. She goes to school, helps round the house, and is a pleasire to be around.

I think this is an extreme reaction and cannot express how damaging this would be on dsd, to have her father reject her so (whom she adores). I have said i forbid him to make her move out over this.

Its a mess this morning. Dh isnt speaking to me this morning. What do i do?

OP posts:

KepekCrumbs · 02/02/2014 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieStella · 02/02/2014 06:50

First reaction was 'pity you can't keep DSD and get rid of DH'.

The root cause of this is communication with DH. You say he has form for lying, and now is sulking. Are these frequent occurrences?

KepekCrumbs · 02/02/2014 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogAndBeardedDragon · 02/02/2014 06:59

Please don't let your H let her move again, poor DSD will feel destroyed that no one 'wants her' and will be so emotionally damaged. I was that child and I've never recovered from the redjection

Original poster

Incandescentrage · 02/02/2014 06:59

I returned home from work late on friday and as i got out to open the gates i saw her as she was heading up the drive on foot (we have a longish driveway with gates). I asked where she was going. She said a social club she has started going to recently. There was a car parked at the top of the drive with a young lad driving it. I asked who it was and she said "Susie". I said thats not Susie its a lad, who is it, she hesitated very briefly then said Luke, and in a slightly uncertain voice. I headed over to the waiting car to check this lad out who was going to be driving off with our 15yo and she shouted "no don't please, oh its Matt". I said right, back down the house lets go and talk to dad, who i felt certain would not want his 15yo dd heading off into the night with some unknown 17yo+. He was in the middle of getting our two ds's ready for bed so i took over and in a fluster he ran her to the social club. It just all seemed a bit weird. She has been going to this social club alot recently but has been collected and dropped off by an unseen "Susie". I just felt uneasy about it. I think i am being too overprotective of her but neither of her parents seem to care very much what happens to her.

OP posts:

maparole · 02/02/2014 07:07

First off, reasure dsd that you are not cross with her and that she is welcome in your house for as long as she wishes to stay. Explain that her lying to you was hurtful and you hope she wouldn't do it again.

Then tell her idiot father that you will not tolerate him lying to you, that you are disgusted that he would stoop to manipulating his daughter in order to deceive you and that he doesn't get to opt in and out of parenthood on a whim.

ChasedByBees · 02/02/2014 07:25

It does seem a bit odd that your DH would encourage that particular lie - how would he benefit? Regardless of the cause of the lie though, asking her to move out is out of the question and I'd be more upset that he thought that was acceptable.

Original poster

Incandescentrage · 02/02/2014 07:33

I can only think that he has asked her to lie to me so that she can go out with this lad. I don't gave a problem with her having a bf, if that is what he is (she says not) but as most parents of 15yo girls will know, its a tricky age, they want to out with older boys, the age of consent is an issue, the boy might be a car driver (as in this case) and we all know what 17yo boys car driving has a tendency to be like. So two possible issues. If she is going to be going out with a 17yo car driving lad, i would just like to know it, and know who he is, where they are going and when they will be back.

I love my dsd, and just want her safe, thats all. I have said to dh that he is not under any circumstances to make her move out. I have also said that i will not interfere anymore in how he chooses to raise her, but that if he ever teaches our children (2ds's) or my own dd to lie, whether intentionally or vicariously through visibly lying to me himself, he will be putting our marriage on the rocks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Incandescentrage · 02/02/2014 07:37

I can only think that he would benefit from the lie by not having to run her to/collect her from the social club himself. He knew i would not be happy by her being collected by some unknown lad, so "just tell her it's Susie collecting you" has happened. Thats the theory anyway, he is denying it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Incandescentrage · 02/02/2014 07:38

And i am appalled that he has suggested she move out over it. As in my op i have told him it is out of the question.

OP posts:

kiwimumof2boys · 02/02/2014 08:47

What a nice stepmother you are !

tinyturtletim · 02/02/2014 08:47

I would be telling him to move back with his ex..they sound much better suited.

Poor dsd.

Blondieminx · 02/02/2014 08:58

YANBU to be upset, it sounds like your DH is behaving like a child!

The issue here isn't with lying per se, it's about him thinking he can strop and manipulate the women in his life. If he is not talking to you this morning then I suggest you tell him you are taking the kids out for a while and that you will be discussing this situation like grown ups after bedtime. As a previous poster said, he cannot check in and out of parenting on a whim!

As others have said, reassure your DSD she is welcome and that as any parent would, you worry about car safety and boyfriends. It sounds as though you may be the only stable adult who acts like an adult in her life, poor kid . You sound like a really lovely nice stepmum, keep doing what you're doing and supporting/nurturing her, your steadiness and reasonableness really will be invaluable to her

diddl · 02/02/2014 09:06

So your 15yr old daughter has a 17yr old boyfriend?

Your husband claims he didn't know?

She claims he did & told her to lie about it?

And you believe her???

All that said, I don't think it's a moving out offence.

But really, if he told her to lie would he also be demanding that she move out?

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/02/2014 09:11

OP you seem to have made many assumptions, jumped on to the one you most liked and steamrollered in to your "D"H. If your description of what DSD did and your response is accurate there is no wonder he is acting like he is.

daisychain01 · 02/02/2014 09:12

I agree with people's comments about ensuring your DSD has a home with you (good to reassure her it is her home, nice for her to have a feeling of belonging, based on the details you have given).

The bigger issue about your DH telling her it's OK to lie, you have handled that well, by the clear message that your DH mustn't do it ever again. Sounds like he isn't as committed a parent to her as you are if his reason was self-serving so he doesn't have to bother giving her a lift - wtf!??

Finola1step · 02/02/2014 09:32

Erm.. I know you said he had form for lying but, are you absolutely sure that your dsd is telling the truth about him knowing?

Wanting his dd to move back to her mum's is a massive over reaction and unacceptable. But maybe more understandable if your dsd has lied about your DH knowing about the boyfriend.

Surely any decent father would want to know if his 15 year old is seeing a 17 year old boy. The version you have OP just doesn't add up.

bodygoingsouth · 02/02/2014 12:03

you're not being too overprotective you are completely right. my dds have been forbidden to get into any car not driven by either me, dh or their older brothers without express permission from us.

you sound lovely, dsd needs you. sorry but your dh and his ex sound hopeless and selfish.

even if dsd has lied here and implicated her dad that's no reason for him to send her away!!! ffs teenagers do lie sometimes. adults too if hey feel they are in trouble!!

does he Just like having adoring littlies around but can't take it when they start to push back and get complicated?

why couldn't her mother cope? sounds like you cope with her fine.

he's an arse, her mother is an arse and they both need a good kick up one.

bodygoingsouth · 02/02/2014 12:04

instinct usually tells you who is lying. if the op thinks it's her dh then it probably is.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/02/2014 12:42

because instinct has never ever been wrong. FFS

Original poster

Incandescentrage · 02/02/2014 16:37

Update. Dh has admitted he told her to "watch what she said to me about the lad picking her up" because he knew i wouldn't be happy about it. When i just happened to arrive home at the time she was heading out she panicked and lied. So, its not my instinct, he implied that she should fib. And so she did.

I don't think the 17yo lad is her bf, but thats not really the point. I don't want her getting into cars with unknowns. My dh admits he doesn't know the lad either, other than being vaguely aware of the family. But he also thought it was a different lad thats was picking her up, who he does know. So it seems she has lied to us both.

Dh was home alone with two younger children at the time and could not run her to her social thing, without dragging kids out in their pj's. Its not that he couldn't be bothered and i may have unfairly represented him in earlier posts due to being a bit naffed off with him. I have admitted that had i known i would have endeavoured to get home 30mins earlier. Problem solved.

We are speaking again, he is shame faced and dsd is not moving out. Storm in a teacup now, although i do think we need to have a 3way convo about honesty, mutual respect and looking out for each other because thats what family do.

Thanks all for your comments, it really helps to get things back in perspective.

Dh can be an utter twat sometimes, but only sometimes. Most of the time he really is a brilliant dad and dh.

Thanks again x

OP posts:

Dawndonnaagain · 02/02/2014 16:56

I would just like to say that I have a ds of 29 and one of 19. They both passed their tests at 17 and they are both known for being sensible drivers and I don't just mean when I'm in the car. Not all 17 year olds are boy racers.

coco44 · 02/02/2014 17:19

It is none of your business who she dates.If your DH has instructed the girl to lie, the only reason could be that he thinks you will interfere

Blondieminx · 02/02/2014 17:42

Lovely to have an update, and good luck for your chats later!

SeaSickSal · 02/02/2014 17:46

Sorry, either he didn't lie and you are blaming him for something he hasn't done OR you are overstepping the mark by forbidding her from spending time with this boy when her Dad is okay with it.

He is silly to say he wants her to move back in with her mother, but if you are being massively over strict and it's causing conflict in the house I don't think the current situation is entirely his fault.

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