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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have got upset at (future) SILs behaviour

45 replies

mistressteabag · 01/02/2014 22:33

DFs sister has been a pain the backside from the second she put herself forward as a bridesmaid.

We had to bring the wedding forward 6 months due to a close family member of DFs being seriously ill and they may not have made it to our original date. So we are on a VERY tight budget where every penny matters to get everything on the savings we had.

First off she moaned about the dresses after they were ordered ( this wasn't to my face but to DF) saying she would look silly in it. She had told me she liked them!

The second DF told her the dresses had arrived (Ebay China cheapos!)She pestered us to drop the dress off so she could see it. She decided she loved the dress and I thought that was the end of it. Then we had demands we pay for her to stay in the hotel as she has a wedding the day before and can't afford the taxi fair to get to the hotel to get ready, followed by if I don't pay for any alterations she needs she won't be a bridesmaid. I know normally the bride would pay but she knew our budget was limited and agreed to pay herself. Just for the record I've bought everything else and not asked her to do anything other than turn up.
She interfered over the best men, DF had asked his BIL and Uncle. Apparantly its a "joke" having 2.

So with 5 weeks to go I receive a text saying she's sorry she can't come to the wedding or be a bridesmaid and sh'll celebrate with us another day.

The reason for pulling out: she had an argument with 2 of the other guests and would be "uncomfortable" seeing them again. This argument happened FIVE YEARS ago! She's also seen and spoken to them since. These are lifelong friends of DF and he is adamant she won't blackmail him into un-inviting them

DF is obviously upset that his sister is refusing to come but has said he'd leave it up to her to decide if she's coming or not nearer the time. He was almost begging her at one point, I'm pretty sure this is the drama and attention she wanted. I feel she should be told not to come after the way she has behaved. I don't want to pay a huge amount of money for someone to decide if they're doing us a favour turning up on the day. There's also the possibility she may cause an argument.

So am AIBU for not wanting her there, should I just suck it up and hope she dosent cause anymore drama?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/02/2014 22:36

YANBU, she's made her decision so accept it and silently punch the air Grin

Also, I'd find another bridesmaid pretty quickly that the dress will fit

Just in case she changes her mind!

selsigfach · 01/02/2014 22:38

I'd say you've allocated her space to someone else as she's decided she's not coming. If she changes her mind, there won't be a seat for her. Just make sure your partner is on side first!

wowfudge · 01/02/2014 22:40

She sounds awful. From what you have said, your DF has done his best to sort things out. YANBU not wanting her there, but do be prepared for her to turn up. If you really don't want her to now, have a chat with your DF about it so he knows how you feel.

Gossipyfishwife · 01/02/2014 22:41

I would disengage completely. If she comes well, meh. If she doesn't, more meh.

Don't feed her appetite for drama.

If she discusses her attendance with you, tell her you understand her reluctance and employ the head tilt.

Enjoy YOUR wedding

RoseRedder · 01/02/2014 22:42

you are about to get married and be part of your DH's family

It could be about the dress though.

There are numerous stories all over the internet with bridesmaids hating the dresses they are asked to wear

and of course you should pay for any alternations if it doesn't fit her

You may be being unreasonable

Fancyashandy · 01/02/2014 22:44

Just send her a message or call saying that you are sorry she can't make it but you understand. Leave it at that, and don't get into a conversation about. Lucky you that she won't be there and might teach her a lesson. Do not engage, be pleasant but leave it there.

Original poster
mistressteabag · 01/02/2014 22:46

I'll confess to my one and only Bridezilla moment through the whole circus of demands from family that has surrounded this wedding (including Owls and fucking Chihouha in a tuxedo!)
I yelled "if she's fucking coming I'm not".

I think I was pretty restrained considering I've had one of his relatives trying to bring their dog as a plus one...

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 01/02/2014 22:50

Do not react, do not speak about her to anyone, do not engage. Ignore, ignore, ignore and as someone upthread said - allocate her seat to someone else (the dog?). Be serene and swan-like - weddings bring out the most foul behaviour in some people, for some reason.

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2014 22:52

Can you get the dress back?

DoJo · 01/02/2014 22:57

I agree - let her not come. If she changes her mind, then she will have to fit in around any other arrangements you might have made and do as she's bloody well told. Otherwise, you will have started as you mean to go on in your relationship with her and she will have to learn that copping a strop doesn't get her her own way, at least with you.
Having said all that, however, it should ultimately be up to your nearly-husband to deal with her - his sister, his choice.

YouTheCat · 01/02/2014 23:04

A dog as a plus 1? Grin Priceless.

I agree with getting someone to fill her shoes pretty quick (or selling the dress).

Don't agree to any more mad demands and have a lovely day.

Original poster
mistressteabag · 01/02/2014 23:05

I've left him dealing with it, I'm not getting involved any further.

As for the dress, I'm not sure if she will give it back but it dosent matter as it would be too small for the new bridesmaid so I'm not making an issue out of it if she keeps it.

OP posts:
JapaneseMargaret · 01/02/2014 23:07

She is feeding off the attention, so don't give her any.

Just do as FancyaShandy says, and if she changes her mind in due course, address that then.

I cannot abide drama queen attention-seekers. They suck the life energy out of what should be a nice occassion, that isn't even about them.

Stop feeding her.

Ememem84 · 01/02/2014 23:07

mistress I did that. Gave the ultimatum to dh during the 6 week run down to our wedding. Made him decide who was more important. Me (bride) or his no good always stirring trouble he's only met a handful of times never been nice to me half sister. We'll be married 3 years in the summer.

Op, I'd speak to your fiancé. It's unlikely he'll ask his mates not to go. It's unlikely his sister won't turn up. Make sure there's a place for her just in case. (But find another bridesmaid)

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 23:08

Are you sure you want to marry into this family! Grin

Yeah she's obivously made her decision, what a shame, but how unfair it would be to put her in a situation where she felt so uncomfortable and you understand completely(while you immediately get the dress taken in several inches to fit the smallest person you know as your new bridesmaid)

Original poster
mistressteabag · 01/02/2014 23:08

Not just a dog as a plus one, a dog in a TUXEDO!

I was tempted so say yes but sadly the hotel won't allow dogs which the relative tried to get the hotel to change just for them

OP posts:
LondonNicki · 01/02/2014 23:12

What DoJo said.......!!!

SirChenjin · 01/02/2014 23:14

You absolutely have to give your SIL's place to the tuxedoed dog. Change venues if you have to!!

RubyRR · 01/02/2014 23:21

Could the dog just come to the service? I hope so

parakeet · 01/02/2014 23:25

Don't give her place to someone else for heaven's sake. She is bound to change her mind at the last minute, which will cause you more dramas. Just assume she's not coming, disengage from all her tricks, and if asked, say you don't mind whether she comes or not.

Mellowandfruitful · 01/02/2014 23:30

Grin at the dog in a tuxedo. And owls? PLEASE say more about the owls!

You're right, just take her at her word now and leave her to it. If she has a last minute change of heart Hmm you can say that sadly there isn't time to get the alterations done.

Lovecat · 01/02/2014 23:36

I need to know more about the owls.

OP, I will be worrying all night about this if you don't come back and explain...

FootieOnTheTelly · 01/02/2014 23:43

Tell you DF to deal with it however he likes and don't give the matter anymore thought. Don't discuss it with anyone and, if you are asked about her, just say that your DF is dealing with it and that you don't mind what happens.

Have a great wedding Thanks

LoreleisSecret · 01/02/2014 23:47

I'll be your bridesmaid and wear the dress with no fuss at all if I get to walk down the aisle with the Tuxedo'd dog looks hopeful Smile

foslady · 01/02/2014 23:50

Seeing that you are now a member of the bridal party down, why not replace it with the tuxedo'd dog?