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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to insist my 15 year old DS goes to my parents for the day tomorrow

47 replies

FunInTheSunD · 01/02/2014 11:23

We have planned to go to London tomorrow for Chinese new year with my BF 2 sons and partners, this has been planned for quite a while.
DS was obviously invited with a friend, or GF.

He said he probably wouldn't come.

Roll on to 2 minutes ago when he said that his 14 year old girl friend was coming round for the afternoon. I have suggested that they come with us as they are not staying here alone and he's gone balistic at me for not trusting him.

I have told him that he's going to my parents house which is 5 mins walk away... his GF is also welcome there

I come home from work early recently and thought no one was in but found them in bed together in darkness. When I asked what they were doing they said they were watching something on their phone. They did have their tops on...

I have had a sex talk with him

AIBU and how do other people manage to 'chaperone' their kids...

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 01/02/2014 11:26

You're going to get mixed responses. Everything from its fine once you've explained the consequences and are sure he understands them, legalities etc.

To mine - which is no children at home on their own ever, and when they have girlfriends round the door stays open, the lights stay on.

DoItTooJulia · 01/02/2014 11:26

YANBU! Stick to your guns. He has three choices! Come with you, stay home ALONE, or go to granny's and spend the afternoon with gf.

LastingLight · 01/02/2014 11:29

I agree with DoltTooJulia's choices. However how would you know if the girlfriend just came round to your house anyway?

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2014 11:31

YANBU! Stick to your guns. He has three choices! Come with you, stay home ALONE, or go to granny's and spend the afternoon with gf.

This **, except for option 2, because she'll be in the door after 5 minutes.

He hasn't exactly reassured you with his actions so far, has he?

LaurieFairyCake · 01/02/2014 11:31

IMO a 15 year old and a 14 year old are just the wrong age.

Too old to be innocent boyfriend/girlfriend, too young to realise the consequences.

Original poster
FunInTheSunD · 01/02/2014 11:31

thanks for getting back to me so quick...
I just worry that they're both going to get carried away...

plus the fact that DS always makes me feel so unreasonable...

BF coming round later... lets see if DS uses his voice of reason with him Smile

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/02/2014 11:32

I would include getting permission for this from the GF's parents, as well, if you are thinking of leaving them in.

I did allow it with my DD's, at around 15, but I knew that they would of used protection, if having sex.

It is good that the parents of Sons now see this as their responsibiliy, as the onus was always put in the girl, when I was growing up.

Original poster
FunInTheSunD · 01/02/2014 11:34

yes... he has 3 choices
Come with us
Spend the day at her house with her
Go to grannys either alone or with her...

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/02/2014 11:34

Just seen that she is 14, I would be livid if any parent allowed this without consulting me at this age.

So I could make sure my DD was protected.

Melonbreath · 01/02/2014 11:35

I would offer either girlfriend at grandparents or they come with you.

If he protests say you can't hear him as his hormones are talking too loudly.

ConferencePear · 01/02/2014 11:37

I'd check with her parents to see what they think. Shouldn't they both be in school ?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 01/02/2014 11:41

conference it's Sunday tomorrow Wink

CoffeeTea103 · 01/02/2014 11:49

Yanbu, you're being realistic as to what could possibly happen. Besides a 14 year old girl would not be acceptable to allow be alone with her bf.

ConferencePear · 01/02/2014 11:53

conference it's Sunday tomorrow

Doh !

Still think they should check with the girl's parents though.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 01/02/2014 11:54

I'd ask a grandparent to come to your house as he'll have her round once the coast is clear even if he promises he'll stay home alone.

K8Middleton · 01/02/2014 11:55

She is only 14 so there would be no way on earth they would be left along together in my house.

hippity · 01/02/2014 11:58

I would tell your DS that if he doesn't come with you, you will need to discuss it with his GF's parents. If he complains you don't trust him, tell him you don't after the darkened room incident. Fair enough really.

littlewhitebag · 01/02/2014 12:02

It would be my opinion that leaving your 15 yo son with his 14 yo girlfriend is absolutely fine. If they are having a sexual relationship then they will be doing it elsewhere if they haven't got access to an empty house.

14/15 is a normal age for sexual exploration and this is a reasonable age difference so no power imbalance. However you need to be clear with your DS that if they are sexually active then they need to make sure contraceptives are used and that if she says no at ANY time in the process he must stop.

At that age you cannot chaperone them. You need to educate them.

hippity · 01/02/2014 12:07

I strongly disagree with littlewhite's post. At 14 to me it's a child protection issue. The 'oh they'll do it anyway' line seems glib and lazy.

MrsSteptoe · 01/02/2014 12:08

I can definitely see littlewhitebag's argument, but both sets of parents should really agree that this is the position. At the very least, the DD's parents should be aware that the DS's mother is taking this stance.

littlewhitebag · 01/02/2014 12:11

hippity I am a CP SW and i can assure you that it is not a child protection issue. The 14/15 age difference make them both children and there is no power imbalance if they both consent.

I see very many young people in sexual relationships at an early age. It may not be ideal but as i said it is all about education.

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2014 12:16

littlewhitebag
She isn't legally old enough to consent, in fact, not is he. Power imbalance or not, irrespective if the police would care or not. The parents clearly do.

And if I were her parents (projecting here) I wouldn't want them left alone.

I think the OP is very sensible looking for the best solution to the issue.

MrsSteptoe · 01/02/2014 12:21

littlewhitebag - sorry, CP SW? Child Protection Social Worker?

LaurieFairyCake · 01/02/2014 12:22

I think my link worker and the child's social worker would tear me a new one if I thought it was ok to leave a child at home under the covers with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

I'm very surprised at your response, littlewhitecap.

Though I'm guessing your caveat will quite reasonably be that of course it doesn't apply to kids in care Grin

I think children in family homes should ideally get the same care though.

Rosa · 01/02/2014 12:25

I would go for the letting him stay at home and getting grand parents to come round 30 mins after you left and staying the afternoon there.
Agree that parents of 14 yr old should know as well.

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