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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to insist my 15 year old DS goes to my parents for the day tomorrow

47 replies

FunInTheSunD · 01/02/2014 11:23

We have planned to go to London tomorrow for Chinese new year with my BF 2 sons and partners, this has been planned for quite a while.
DS was obviously invited with a friend, or GF.

He said he probably wouldn't come.

Roll on to 2 minutes ago when he said that his 14 year old girl friend was coming round for the afternoon. I have suggested that they come with us as they are not staying here alone and he's gone balistic at me for not trusting him.

I have told him that he's going to my parents house which is 5 mins walk away... his GF is also welcome there

I come home from work early recently and thought no one was in but found them in bed together in darkness. When I asked what they were doing they said they were watching something on their phone. They did have their tops on...

I have had a sex talk with him

AIBU and how do other people manage to 'chaperone' their kids...

OP posts:

NearTheWindmill · 01/02/2014 12:27

Well, I have a dd of 15.5. As her parent, I would not allow her to spend the afternoon at the house of a 16 year old boy whose parents were away for the day. I would be around even if you aren't and I would police the whereabouts of my dd. I think you need to call the girl's parents - that's what I would want as the mother of a daughter.

I appreciate the ground is more shaky now my dd is 15.5 but at 14 what I have just written is exactly how I'd have played it.

Thankfully neither of mine had/have boyfriends/girlfriends at 14/15. DS had a very platonic girlfriend at about 16 and his first serious one at almost 18.

littlewhitebag · 01/02/2014 12:30

I am not condoning a sexual relationship between the two. It is definitely better if they are not doing this and to be honest we don't actually know if they are. We are talking about one day here but there will be others and with the best will in the world they will be alone together at other times and in other places. I think a lot of trust and openness goes a long way.

Quinteszilla · 01/02/2014 12:30

When I was 15 I had a 15 year old boyfriend.

He invited me home to make gingerbread cookies, it was before Christmas, so a reasonable thing to do, in Norway, 25 years ago.

The point is, it never occurred to me that we would be alone. Yes, we had been kissing and fumbling in his/my bedroom with family outside, and yes that was all fine.

I came to his house fully prepared to bake with him and his mum, only she was not there, and there were no cookie dough in the fridge ready to roll... He was ready to roll though....

I left, as I did not feel ready to do what he was suggesting and broke up with him.

OP, I would call the girlfriends parents and have a chat, say that your son will not come with you to central London for Chinese new year, and you are a little concerned with the idea of the two of them in an empty house alone. You may find that the girlfriends parents opt to whisk her away for a visit to Aunt Mary in Liverpool.....

YouStayClassySanDiego · 01/02/2014 12:31

There's not a cat in hell's chance I would shrug my shoulders and let them be alone just because ' they'll do it elsewhere'.

That's quite a lax attitude littlewhitebag, sw or not.

Bogeyface · 01/02/2014 12:32

The old "Oh well they are going to do it anyway...." argument is why our teen pregancy rate is so high.

I dont think it is unreasonable to say that sex under 16 is wrong, and should be prevented if at all possible.

The limp wristed liberal bullshit of letting kids "explore" their feelings hasnt exactly helped has it?

Quinteszilla · 01/02/2014 12:33

If he has actually told you that his girlfriend is coming over, it seems to me that he is asking for your guidance. He could have said he planned to spend the day on his xbox, or doing homework.

justgirl · 01/02/2014 12:42

My mum never ever allowed me to have my partner stay over despite the fact that I lived at home until I was 20. She knew I stayed at his and that he stayed at mine when I was staying at my dads but never under her roof.

justgirl · 01/02/2014 12:44

Pressed enter too soon!!!

Basically what I'm saying is it's not the end of the world for you to not allow them to be alone or whatever....they are still pretty young. I'm not sure what I what I would do. The long and short of it is that no amount of protection will guarantee no pregnancy - are they responsible enough if that DID happen?

sandyballs · 01/02/2014 12:48

Too young to be left alone for the afternoon. 14 is very young. I know their hormones are all over the place and they may feel they are ready for a sexual relationship but best to wait IMO.

I have two 13 year old girls and if a boyfriend's parents rang me about this at 14 I would be very pleased.

Fairenuff · 01/02/2014 13:58

I would actually take him on the trip, with or without his girlfriend. He would enjoy it and it sounds like a lovely day out.

PiperRose · 01/02/2014 17:30

I had a 15 year old bf when I was 14. My parents knew and were more than happy for me to be alone with him because they had talked to me about sex, contraception and gave me the confidence to know I was in charge of my body. Strangely enough this "limp wristed liberal bullshit of letting kids "explore" their feelings" method of parenting didn't lead to me becoming the next Lolita but meant that I had lovely age-appropriate relationships and chose to lose my virginity aged almost 18.

The 'they're going to do it anyway' attitude doesn't result in our piss-poor teenage pregnancy rate but lackadaisical patenting and the refusal to have honest and open discussion about feelings, sex and contraception does.

Op, you are right to be concerned and I would use this opportunity to engage your son in a meaningful conversation about this. I also think your son is right to think that you don't trust him. My experience of teenagers is that the more you say no to something the more likely they are to do it, your over-reaction to this could have just that effect. In a few months he will be 16, legally old enough to have sex but his girlfriend won't. Littlewhitebag is right, there is no power imbalance at the moment, but part of that discussion should be making sure that he knows that if they have sex then, even if she consents, he will be breaking the law.

LondonBus · 01/02/2014 17:33

YANBU

That is all.

I would work on the GF, and say it will be a really fun day out and they would both really enjoy going with you far more than they would having an uninterrupted shag

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 17:37

I have a 14 yo dd and please stick to your guns!

YANBU.

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2014 17:43

Perhaps, just perhaps the GF is very sensible, has no intention of having sex with him anywhere, and they would just have a day together at his house. Just a thought.

And I own a 14 year old DS myself.

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2014 17:46

Plus he didn't have to tell you his GF was coming round.

Starballbunny · 01/02/2014 17:58

If my just 16 to DD and her 15yo male friend said they were watching something on her phone, that's just what they would be doing.

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2014 18:02

My friend's DD who is 15 sits under the covers in bed with her 15 year old boyfriend watching the telly.

ziggiestardust · 01/02/2014 18:24

sparklingbrook has a point; he's told you his GF is coming round and that's a positive to take from this definitely. He obviously feels able to tell you, and wants to be open with you.

I never used to tell my mum my boyfriend was coming over. He was a bit older than me (I was 15, he was 18) and he'd park his car up the road and wait for her to leave

Sparklingbrook · 01/02/2014 18:31

If he wanted to be devious he would have said nothing or that he was revising all day or whatever and she would have come round anyway.

ziggiestardust · 01/02/2014 18:41

I totally agree sparkling

hellooctober01 · 01/02/2014 21:14

My DP and I have been together since high school and we both lived with our parents, his were generally more liberal than mine and let us have an empty house, my mum never did until I moved out as she said it was her house and she'd decide who was in it when. Mostly, we did just want to watch films and have time alone as it's not the same with a house full of parents and siblings, and I eventually resorted to going to his 3-4 days a week and never at home because I felt she didn't trust me. We were never allowed to sleep over in the same bed though, which to us was fair enough.
He might just want time with his GF, and as for the darkened room incident, you don't know they had sex, you have to admit cuddling up like that and skin on skin contact is just intimate and nice, and at their age its normal to explore more sexual things- doesn't mean they're having full blown sex! The best thing you can do is educate your DS and also find out if the GF is on any contraception. DP got the sex talk off his parents, and his mum came to me and asked if i was on the pill and she even drove me and DP to the doctors when I wanted to get the implant when I was 16. If you choose to trust them and be open you'll get better results than being like my DM, forbidding them having an empty house and making your DS get his guard up with you. Would you not rather that they were in the house and safe, knowing you educated them about contraceptives etc, than have them shutting down with you, lying and finding other places to have sex?
I know it must feel a bit odd as a parent because hes your baby, but its going to happen whether you like it or not and I, personally, would prefer my DC to be able to talk to me and have a safe environment with access to condoms and such.

Original poster

FunInTheSunD · 02/02/2014 22:53

Just a quick update...

He came to London with us with a friend... not his GF and we all had a great time... (although we wouldn't go up again for Chinese new year as it was just too busy but thats another story)

I do have a good relationship with him and will continue to keep the comunication lines open.

I do allow a certain amount of freedom hence the fact that his friends are always welcome here

Thank you everyone who answered

OP posts:

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