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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take Ds swimming?

39 replies

extremepie · 01/02/2014 09:35

Ds2 has ASD, he has a statement and a 1:1 worker while he is in school.

A few weeks ago I was told that his year group are starting swimming and that I would need to go with to 'see how he does'. They also told me that if I go with Ds then his 1:1 TA can go with another group of children and they can avoid taking another adult with.

AIBU to be pissed off that they, essentially, want to use me as a free TA?

I'm not working at the moment so feel like I have no grounds to refuse and I can't claim to be busy at work and feel like I don't have a good reason to say no other than it is not my job to look after him when he's in school! They get extra money to pay for a 1:1 specifically for him and yet she isn't going to be looking after him - its not in school but it's school hours surely they should be doing it?

I am a single parent with no respite and no family help so I look after him 99.999999% of the time when he isn't in school why should I be expected to do it when he is? School time is my only 'me' time at the moment!

They have also said I have to go with on their school trip to Eden project in 2 weeks time and that I have to keep him off school on 14th because his 1:1 is on a course and there's no one else to have him! AIBU to think they are massively taking the piss and expecting me to do way more than the average parent?

OP posts:

bodygoingsouth · 01/02/2014 09:38

yes they can use an agency to plug the gap if the normal TA isn't there.

Shente · 01/02/2014 09:40

Yes I agree, his 1:1 is for him end of. They must make provision for an additional adult not.just assume they can use her. You don't have to justify why you're not going, just say you're not available to do that and they will have to use his 1:1 for the purpose she is provided for.

mygrandchildrenrock · 01/02/2014 09:41

It is usual/normal to ask parents whose children have additional needs to help on school trips, after all you know your child far better than any school staff ever will.
However, it is wrong and illegal to ask you to keep him off because his 1:1 is off. They should arrange cover within school.

complexnumber · 01/02/2014 09:47

I don't see the responsibilities of raising a child to be so easily compartmentalised.

I do not have a statmented child, so I cannot begin to understand how this may influence so many aspects of your family's life.

I feel a little uneasy by what you have written about expecting the school to look after your son while you have your 'me' time. I do not think the school will look at you as unpaid TA, they will look at you as the parent.

TTTatty · 01/02/2014 10:02

No way should they be pressurising you to help, it is not a case of having 'me' time but just having what all other parents have and that is dropping your child at school and handing over responsibility for those six hours.

Just say No, a simple 'I am not available' should suffice.

Megrim · 01/02/2014 10:57

Our school asked for volunteer parents to help with the swimming lessons, so it's not unreasonable for it to ask for parents to help. However, if the school has a support worker allocated to the child then that support worker should stay with the child, surely particularly for things that are out of his usual routine? Can the school not ask for a volunteer parent to help with the other group?

GossamerHailfilter · 01/02/2014 11:07

But if your DC recieved funding for a 1:1 then surely she should be with him at all times and the school are just cutting corners and costs.

Original poster

extremepie · 01/02/2014 11:13

Complex, would they ask the same of a parent who's child did not have SN?

Would they expect the parent of an 'unruly' child who does not have SN to come along and help out for no other reason than they will save money by not having an additional member of staff?

You are right TTT in that I want what other parents have, to take my child to school and not have to intervene in his day until school finishes (which for him is not even a full day!). I don't think I am unreasonable in expecting the school to do their job, especially since they have a fully funded extra member of staff specifically for him.

If a teacher is off sick they don't expect 30 odd children to stay off school, they get a replacement! I don't see why it should be so different for Ds :(

OP posts:

Original poster

extremepie · 01/02/2014 11:13

Gossamer, exactly :(

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 01/02/2014 11:16

I can see where you're coming from, but I think YABU.

They are asking because it will benefit your son and the rest of the children there, they are not doing it to piss you off. I have a child with ASD so I know it's hard work, but I think YABVU when you say that school time is your only respite as if you only get a couple of hours a week free. If you're not working and your ds attends school for the standard amount of time, then you have plenty of time to yourself.

Yes, there is funding for your ds, but that doesn't mean your parenting responsibility stops the minute the school bell rings. It's not about them asking you to do more than the average parent. Your son doesn't have average needs, and that's why you might have to do more than the average parent (as do most of us with children with SN), not because the school want to use you as an unpaid TA!

Plenty of parents willingly volunteer to help with things in school time, I cannot understand why you wouldn't want to help when you have noting else going on and it would benefit your own child.

GossamerHailfilter · 01/02/2014 11:17

If your DS didn't have additional needs then she probably wouldn't have a job, so they wouldn't have her there anyway.

Original poster

extremepie · 01/02/2014 11:30

Yes gossamer, if my son did not have additional needs I would have a job and therefore they wouldn't be asking me to do extra, when my husband left me I had to give up my job as I worked evenings and weekends on virtually minimum wage so could not get childcare.

You are assuming, woowoo that he attends for a full day - he doesn't. He attends until 1:30 so I have at best half a day to myself before I have to pick him up. Time which I use to tidy the house, do shopping or any other manner of things that I can't do when he is around. Hardly relaxing!

OP posts:

Original poster

extremepie · 01/02/2014 11:34

And anyway woowoo, is it really for my Ds's benefit? Or is it to save themselves money as they already told me it was
Is it to my Ds's benefit to miss a day off school because they can't be bothered to find/fund cover for him?

That's not the first day I've had to have him off school for that reason, I don't think it's been beneficial for him to miss 3 days of school so far (since September) :(

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rookiemater · 01/02/2014 11:40

It sounds like they are being unreasonable on the swimming - the TA is there and as you say, she is meant to be there to support your DS.

For the Eden project I would say it's different. The TA is not there, yes they should arrange separate cover and I would take that up with them, but in the circumstances if you feel your DS would benefit from it, then go on the trip.

jacks365 · 01/02/2014 11:41

Extrempie I'd ask this on the sn board as I think you'll get better advice but I'm fairly certain the school is acting unlawfully in what they are doing. Your son has a right to education and it is up to the school to provide that.

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2014 11:42

They cannot exclude him from school because his TA is unavailable. They are depriving him of his education. They have to make alternative provision. Write to the HT copying in the Chair of Governors and the Governor responsible for SN and ask what they will do in the event of it happening again. At worst, another class will lose their TA briefly.

As to swimming, if you were working you couldn't go. If they are asking for help from other parents then fair enough. If just you - well, they don't seem to put themselves our for your DS. It seems to be all about money.

YANBU.

Oh - and I'd be contacting the LA to see if they can only have him for half a day. Is that recommended by the Ed Psych or just the school's decision again?

following · 01/02/2014 11:43

my dc school were always asking for parents to help with trips out of the school grounds , and they asked you to help in school for activities such as cooking , i would rather help than let my child miss out if i wasnt working .

2tiredtocare · 01/02/2014 11:52

I'm uncomfortable with people making a hard working mum feel like a bad parent for needing some time to get basic tasks done, walk a mile in someone else's shoes and all that.

Original poster

extremepie · 01/02/2014 11:55

Rookie, the 1:1 will be on the Eden trip she'll just be with another group of children, hence why they want me to go!

Nanny, the school felt he couldn't cope with a full day but I suspect it's them who can't cope - the plan was to gradually increase his hours but it's been almost a year and this hasn't happened :(

Following, I'm not sure if they ask other parents but I've never seen any on any of the other trips I've gone on so I suspect they don't ask or at least not as much :/

OP posts:

Original poster

extremepie · 01/02/2014 11:57

Actually I've just remembered there is a girl a few years above who's in a wheelchair and I've never seen either or her parents on school trips....

OP posts:

minniemagoo · 01/02/2014 12:01

Totally wrong approach from the school. If they are short an adult supervisor they should ask across the class. This is what our school does when they need extra supervision for trips etc. It means no one parent is loaded constantly but on the flip side it is usually the same group volunteer.
The school may not wish to do this for swimming as the parent volunteer will not be vetted and therefore cannot be allowed alone with the children. If you go with our son then he is your full responsibility, you can as his parent be alone with him allowing the teacher and TA to split the group.
Your sons TA is just that and no more, if the school are not using her for other tasks you and she are entitled to complain. As for the request to keep him off when she is not there, as it is notified leave they are able to apply for a cover and should do so.

2tiredtocare · 01/02/2014 12:02

I've helped out in class before and 'spirited' children can take up sooo much of the teachers time, their parents aren't asked to come on school trips

minniemagoo · 01/02/2014 12:02

Sorry that should be 'your son' :)

DanceParty · 01/02/2014 12:03

complexnumber said: I feel a little uneasy by what you have written about expecting the school to look after your son while you have your 'me' time

You have obviously never looked after an autistic child, then [embarrassed]

DanceParty · 01/02/2014 12:03

complexnumber said: I feel a little uneasy by what you have written about expecting the school to look after your son while you have your 'me' time

You have obviously never looked after an autistic child, then

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