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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About when to tell close parents, or is DH?

68 replies

Orlea · 31/01/2014 18:21

I had a BFP just over a week ago. I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday, which will be the first time I've mentioned anything to anyone other than DH. Maybe this is a bit early to be getting so wound up (can I blame hormones yet?), but...

DH wants to phone and tell his mum on Monday afternoon as soon as the doctor confirms it. At this point, I would be maybe 3/4 weeks pregnant (a rough estimate). I do not want to tell anyone important (i.e. our parents) a) on the phone and b) so early. DH is saying that it's not my secret to keep and that he doesn't see why he can't tell his mum on Monday and that he doesn't like being told he has to keep secrets - twisting my words as I just said I don't want to tell people so early, not that he has to actively lie to his mum or anything! No one knows we were trying, so no one would ask and have to be lied to.

We are visiting my parents at the end of February (they live 400 miles away). I would be 7/8 weeks pregnant by then, and I was expecting to tell them then, face-to-face. I would be ok with telling MIL either just before or just after that weekend, face-to-face or on the phone, whatever DH prefers (although I'd still prefer to tell her face-to-face as I think it would be nicer for her), but even 7-8 weeks feels a bit early to be telling anyone, it would only be because that's the only time we are seeing my parents that I would mention it that early. When we were ttc (so going back a few weeks, not exactly years), we had said we wouldn't tell anyone, including parents, til the first scan, but DH seems to have decided that's not even an option anymore.

We don't live that near MIL (70 miles) so it's not even like we'd be seeing her loads and having to not mention it. It never comes up in conversation (she's not nosy) so I seriously doubt it would be a case of her asking and DH having to lie to his DM, but tbh if she did ask, I wouldn't mind telling her - although I would want her to keep it to herself til the first scan, rather than tell the rest of the family who can be quite nosy and intrusive, and would probably start posting all over the internet about it (they have form for this).

So AIBU to want to keep it to ourselves a bit longer (to be on the safe side, to enjoy our secret, whatever), at least until the end of Feb (unless MIL asks outright, which is prob less than a 1% chance) or is DH being U for making me feel guilty for not wanting to tell anyone so soon?

Further, WIBU to insist? DH says he'll do what I ask, but 'won't be happy about it' if I insist on keeping it secret a few more weeks, and also that he won't lie to anyone regardless of what I say, so if his internet-crazed brother asks, he'll tell him, or his nosy aunt, or the postman...

He said he wanted to stop talking about it just now because he was getting angry because I said I didn't want to start telling people on Monday, and I now feel guilty, pressurised, angry with him, shocked that he's being so U (in my current opinion) and shocked that he wants to tell anyone so early - I don't know anything about risks but it just feels way too early to me. Am I being oversensitive?? (sobs into hanky)

Sorry it's so long!

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 01/02/2014 11:23

YABU a bit.

I don't think your DH is an arse at all, it is his news too.

I've always been an early teller anyway.

NearTheWindmill · 01/02/2014 11:33

I had too many late miscarriages. My mother told MIL about one at 12 weeks because she was at my house looking after ds. A year or two later when SIL had twins, full term, no stitches, no pain relief and breast fed them for six months MIL came out with "it's such a relief that SIL can perform". Shortly after ds2 had died at 27 weeks.

A lot depends on the people you are telling. It is though very hard to plough through miscarriages and continue being all bright and smiley to the outside world because nobody knew. With hindsight I'd have liked to have share more and accepted more support but my inner disappointment at being not quite good enough prevented me from telling.

On the whole, I probably agree that 12 weeks is about right not so much because of the miscarriage risk but really and truly because the first trimester of your pg is really only of interest to you and there is nothing quite as tiresome as the world's longest pregnancy.

mrsjay · 01/02/2014 11:41

I dont think your husband is an arse either a bit over enthusiastic and excited and maybe a bit thoughtless but not an arse

derektheladyhamster · 01/02/2014 12:02

I told my Mum immediately with ds1 (although I think she would have preferred to have known later as she worried loads!)

With ds2 I had to tell her fairly soon as when we went to visit, she'd arranged pate for lunch and liver (my favourite) for dinner! She was a godsend though when I had early bleeding with ds 2, she travelled down to help look after ds1 and me

I had really bad morning sickness with both of them so it was fairly obvious!

PasswordProtected · 01/02/2014 13:40

Years ago you never knew you were expecting a baby until you had had 2 missed periods, which would make you around 12 weeks.
I think you should tell your husband that he is welcome to broadcast the news, provided he will inform all those people should you have a miscarriage.
Is he not good at keeping secrets?

mrsjay · 01/02/2014 13:41

Years ago you never knew you were expecting a baby until you had had 2 missed periods, which would make you around 12 weeks.

that really i blame bloody clear blue

eurochick · 01/02/2014 13:47

Windmill, pls feel free to cross anything available. I should be 10 weeks now. All ok so far. Next scan on Monday.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2014 13:47

I think you are right to want to keep it private a bit longer. But it's nice your DH is excited and wants to tell his Mum. Which is perfectly natural. Try and persuade him though not to for a few weeks.

Only1scoop · 01/02/2014 13:48

Yanbu at all....and I feel at this stage it is totally 'your secret to keep'
Enjoy your secret a while longer.
Good luck

Newlywed2013 · 01/02/2014 15:14

We told I laws and my dad at 7 weeks as it was important it was done face to face inlaws live 350miles away

SomethingkindaOod · 01/02/2014 15:27

You might not need to tell them. Both my Mum and my MIL guessed every time....

morethanpotatoprints · 01/02/2014 15:34

Its for you both to decide but being practical it makes more sense to wait a while.
Your dh is being manipulative and he is going to have to put up and shut up if you don't want to tell folk yet.

Joysmum · 01/02/2014 15:36

I know a lot of people get piddled off with people with me who saw the pregnancy as 'us' being pregnant.

If I put my case about what was important to me and DH still felt the need to support and love from his nearest and dearest and thought on balance he still wanted to tell then I'd go along with it.

If I didn't think my DH was respectful, understanding and considerate of my wishes and chose because what he says goes, I'd blame the hormones for the huge hissy fit I'd throw!

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2014 15:38

NannyOgg, you have to allow for their personal choice though.

Absolutely. Which I did say.

Have to say, if anyone is like me they couldn't keep it a secret as I seemed to have 'morning' sickness (ha!) from Day 1.

I just wish the OP and all the rest of you who are pregnant or ttc the very best of luck.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/02/2014 15:39

near

OMG that is terrible, do you still speak to your mil, I'd have gone nc.
So sorry, she was so shitty to you

cerealqueen · 01/02/2014 16:33

Maybe you should see it as a positive that its all about him too, and ask will he be giving up drinking, soft eggs and cheese, etc. etc.

YANBU.

HungryHorace · 01/02/2014 17:13

YANBU at all.

I'm lucky that my DH goes along with how I feel about this.

My mum suffers from anxiety and I know she'd worry too much if told too early. Because of this, neither family gets to find out before the 12 week scan as that's what is equitable.

DH totally understands that any friend gets told because I'd want support if I miscarried.

Maybe you need to have another chat with him about it?

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/02/2014 21:20

Sometimes I wonder why people even bother telling the dads until they want the whole world to know

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