About when to tell close parents, or is DH?

[Orlea]

I had a BFP just over a week ago. I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday, which will be the first time I've mentioned anything to anyone other than DH. Maybe this is a bit early to be getting so wound up (can I blame hormones yet?), but...

DH wants to phone and tell his mum on Monday afternoon as soon as the doctor confirms it. At this point, I would be maybe 3/4 weeks pregnant (a rough estimate). I do not want to tell anyone important (i.e. our parents) a) on the phone and b) so early. DH is saying that it's not my secret to keep and that he doesn't see why he can't tell his mum on Monday and that he doesn't like being told he has to keep secrets - twisting my words as I just said I don't want to tell people so early, not that he has to actively lie to his mum or anything! No one knows we were trying, so no one would ask and have to be lied to.

We are visiting my parents at the end of February (they live 400 miles away). I would be 7/8 weeks pregnant by then, and I was expecting to tell them then, face-to-face. I would be ok with telling MIL either just before or just after that weekend, face-to-face or on the phone, whatever DH prefers (although I'd still prefer to tell her face-to-face as I think it would be nicer for her), but even 7-8 weeks feels a bit early to be telling anyone, it would only be because that's the only time we are seeing my parents that I would mention it that early. When we were ttc (so going back a few weeks, not exactly years), we had said we wouldn't tell anyone, including parents, til the first scan, but DH seems to have decided that's not even an option anymore.

We don't live that near MIL (70 miles) so it's not even like we'd be seeing her loads and having to not mention it. It never comes up in conversation (she's not nosy) so I seriously doubt it would be a case of her asking and DH having to lie to his DM, but tbh if she did ask, I wouldn't mind telling her - although I would want her to keep it to herself til the first scan, rather than tell the rest of the family who can be quite nosy and intrusive, and would probably start posting all over the internet about it (they have form for this).

So AIBU to want to keep it to ourselves a bit longer (to be on the safe side, to enjoy our secret, whatever), at least until the end of Feb (unless MIL asks outright, which is prob less than a 1% chance) or is DH being U for making me feel guilty for not wanting to tell anyone so soon?

Further, WIBU to insist? DH says he'll do what I ask, but 'won't be happy about it' if I insist on keeping it secret a few more weeks, and also that he won't lie to anyone regardless of what I say, so if his internet-crazed brother asks, he'll tell him, or his nosy aunt, or the postman...

He said he wanted to stop talking about it just now because he was getting angry because I said I didn't want to start telling people on Monday, and I now feel guilty, pressurised, angry with him, shocked that he's being so U (in my current opinion) and shocked that he wants to tell anyone so early - I don't know anything about risks but it just feels way too early to me. Am I being oversensitive?? (sobs into hanky)

Sorry it's so long!

Chipped, he is being a knob. Thank you

Thanks for replies, I do feel a bit better, I was actually starting to wonder if I was being a complete cow for not posting a pic of the bfp on facebook...

It's not that DH wants to tell everyone, just his mum, who will probably tell her mum. I am fine with this in principle, but I don't have any experience of either of them re secrets - I don't think either would blab if we specifically asked them not to, but I don't really want to take that risk, especially as his gran speaks her mind and might decide I'm being daft and just tell everyone - i.e. her other children, his aunts/uncles, whom we are not remotely close to, and whom I would not want to share personal information with, such as miscarriage.

Tbh with the miscarriage question, I wouldn't want to have to tell anyone, even my parents. I would rather keep that to myself. Maybe that's odd but it's how I feel right now.

I can't articulate very well exactly why I don't want to tell anyone yet, just that a) I like (or did, before DH got huffy this evening) the idea of it being our special secret for a little while (a few more weeks), and b) that I'm worried about the risks at this very early stage...

I had a mc at 7wks for my first pregnancy, told no one. It coincided with my dads death and I really couldnt share as it seemed so insignificant compared to my mum losing the man she had been with since 11 (!).

when I got pg with ds I didn't tell until 16wks and got in a whole heap of trouble with dps mum ..so I announced the next one at 13weeks (and got into trouble again )

YANBU

We told parents at 9 weeks then had a scare as a result of our 12 week scan. I really would have hated to have to break the news to parents if the worst had happened - I felt responsible for letting them get excited. Fortunately all is OK at moment, but it did make me realise is not just about what is right for you but not exposing other people to unnecessary anxiety and hurt.

I made the mistake of telling people too early and then had a MC. I've been a bit upset by how a couple of family members dealt with it and found the fact that these people knew really intrusive. Your DH is being very unreasonable. It is your body that is gestating the pregnancy and it is still at very delicate stage so he should absolutely respect your wishes.

Congratulations!

As other people have said, the gp won't confirm anything at that stage, although if memory serves we did get a book from the gp at that one.

3 weeks does seem awfully early, a lot can still go wrong :-( we did not tell anyone until 12 weeks (and not everyone then). Both sets of parents had guessed something was up suddenly stopping running and my mhooosive coffee habit being a bit of a give away, but they were both happy to find out then.

Ps - we swore them to secrecy for another couple of weeks after that too. Which they kind of enjoyed!

At this stage, if anything goes wrong, it is very much a case of everyone knowing YOUR medical history, knowing if YOU are having intimate medical procedures...

so fucking YES it is your secret to keep

far more than it is his news to tell.

And... the manipulation? Ooof I don't like that. Right up to and very much including the 'he was getting angry' bit. Angry? Really?

If he wants to go right ahead and completely spoil these lovely memories of the start of your first pregnancy, he's going the right way about it. Yup, he wants to tell his mum - ok, fair enough. He wants to tell his mum MORE than he wants his lovely partner to be happy, excited and confident about the weeks ahead without worrying - not fair enough at all and in fact UTTERLY PRICKISH.

I find that people in general really, really hate having selfish pricks as birth partners, myself. Perhaps point that out to him if you fancy flexing your own 'utterly unfair manipulation' muscles.

I had a mc at four weeks, our parents knew I was pregnant and were nothing but supportive afterwards. I couldn't imagine if I'd told more people about the pregnancy.

You both are going to have to compromise, you've a long way to go through this pregnancy, and then there's a parenting.

Aaaah, thank you everyone, I now feel way better but really guilty!! He's being lovely now, you'd think it was him having mood swings...

I think I am going to insist on keeping quiet til at least we see my parents. If that makes me a selfish cow in his eyes, tough. It's just me not wanting people to know 'our special secret' and then if anything goes wrong... Tbh I think I would rather tell a couple of my close friends first to get a bit of support/advice before even telling any parents, but that would be a no-go for DH, which I understand.

It is our first (attempt and bfp) so it's quite special to me right now, and I don't want to share yet... tried saying this to DH earlier but he doesn't/won't see what I mean

DH and I decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks. Then the midwife said we were going to lose the baby (on the basis of a phone call and no meeting) but booked me for a scan. I had that at 8 1/2 weeks and then decided to tell PIL as we wanted them to have the enjoyment of the baby coming if we then did lose him. We had a few more pregnancies to announce after than and one miscarriage and it was pretty awful tbh but that was more about them being crap at stuff like this. In retrospect we told them too soon that time but they had done something nice and we felt we owed them.

You need to compromise and he needs to stop being an arse. "Not your secret," etcetera.

We didn't tell anyone at all until 16wks.

We wanted to get passed the 12wks & it just happened that we were seeing both sets of parents then so decided to tell them together.

I don't think parents would have been supportive if I'd had a MC-especially MIL-I think they would have been too caught up in how they were feeling.

I think I may have still been in the bathroom when I phoned my mum. She had just a terrible, life-limiting diagnosis and wanted her to have some positive news to focus on.
We told other people when the projectile vomiting got out of hand.

I never kept any of my pregnancies a secret - one did end in miscarriage but I wouldn't have kept that a secret either.

It's a decision for you and your dh to make. I don't think he's being an arse though - wonder how many people would say that if it was the woman wanting to share the news with her mum, and the husband wanting it to stay between them??

YANBU. Is he always a knob or is this out of character?

For what it's worth, we told no-one till the 20-week scan. That's extreme, but we were profoundly grateful that we didn't, because my first pregnancy ended in termination for triploidy at 18 weeks. It was a hard time and it would have been many times harder if we'd had to tell friends and family. Obviously second time round we were completely paranoid about keeping it a secret.

We had very bad luck, but you're still very early on - a lot of things could happen. If you don't want to tell and wouldn't want to have to tell anyone if it went wrong, then don't tell.

I don't think your DH is an arse for wanting to share the news, but he is an arse for being an arse about it!

I would have loved to 'have a secret' together, but we had IVF and all family and close friends knew this, so all knew pretty much as soon as we got a BFP. As others have said tho, these are the people that we would need if treatment failed or we had MC.

Ultimately tho, it needs to be a joint decision. I don't think either party should share news like this until they are both comfortable with it.

Just wait till its calmed down, then talk to him and explain how you feel. If he refuses to take that on board them he's putting his mum before you- not a good sign for when the baby is born- she'll be staying with you after the birth!

My advice would be not to tell anyone you wouldn't want to know if you miscarried or had to make some very hard decisions based on the 12 week scan result.

We had IVF and a number of people were very supportive to us while we were going through that and so they know the result. And I'd be fine with them knowing I miscarried (which is indeed what happened with my first pregnancy and they were a great source of support). My parents on the other hand are not very approving of IVF, so I haven't bothered telling them. If we get to 12 weeks, I will tell them after that.

If it's special to you and you want to keep it a special secret, then dh really must put that above his wish to tell his mum. It will be just as exciting telling her in a few weeks' time as it is now.

eurochick is right - the missing part of my post is that DH and I are both very private and would have hated to have to tell anyone (especially our mothers!) that things had gone wrong: it was easier for us to keep it quiet in case the worst happened.

YY I wouldn't tell anyone. I wanted to tell my Mum at the 12 week scan but I ended up telling her just before.
DH's family were 3 hours away so no problem not telling them.

It was for the best-we had a holiday in the US when I was about 7 weeks and my Mum would have worried.

I think your DH is being unreasonable.

Plus when you find out someone is PG at 5 weeks it seems an age until the baby arrives.

eurochick do our fingers and toes need to be crossed at the moment? I hope so - I've just welled up

But the other perspective is that it would break my heart if I'd known my DD and partner had been going through something like that on their own and I hadn't been there for them. I know there would have been nothing I could actually do, but I would feel absolutely useless and very sad if she hadn't been able to tell me.

NannyOgg, you have to allow for their personal choice though. We went through years of fertility treatment including IVF and nobody knew. Not even my mum who I am very close to. Going through the treatment and dealing with the failures was unbelievably hard. I just couldn't cope with having to break news of failure after failure to my mum (or anyone else) and seeing the sadness and disappointment in her face. I just couldn't have coped with that. I've never asked my mum how she feels about the fact that we didn't tell her what we were going through. I could understand if she feels a bit sad about it but I also think she'd understand why we didn't.

OP, FWIW I don't think your husbands being a prick, an arse, a knob or any of the other derogatory names he's being called on this thread. I think he's probably just very excited at your happy news and wants to share it with his Mum. However, if you're only taking about keeping the secret for a matter of a few more weeks then I think he should go along with that. Plus it's always nicer to give good news in person to see the look on the other person's face.

in the olden days folk waited till their scan to tell people now it seems they are telling everybody just after conception earlier I dont understand it I know it is exciting but, yanbu tell him you do not want anybody know until the scan /whenever you feel ready tell you husband to zip it and wait ,

congratulations btw

We told both sets of parents and my sister at 6 weeks. We only told hubby sibling later because I wanted to tell my SIL in person and we hadn't seen her and because my BIL was having issues with his ex girlfriend (pregnancy that potential could have been his baby but wasn't). I knew the miscarriage risks but wanted people to know for support if the worst happened
I also told an old friend that I saw before the 12 weeks scan.
One of my friends told loads of people at 5 weeks worst thing was that I work with her and had to be careful to not let it slip at work but by the time she had her scan about half the department knew as she can't keep her mouth shut. She didn't know how I had managed to keep it quiet till after my scan!

yanbu at all, it is far too early,even for parents. i was really lucky and blessed that all my 3 pregnancies progressed but think it would be grim having to tell all and sundry if i hadnt made it beyond 12 weeks. i told my mum with dc3 at 8 weeks cos i needed her to look after oldest ones and told rest of family at around 13 weeks at a family gathering.

sodding adverts where people anounce over coffee that they are "about 2 weeks" have a lot to answer for.

I told no one until 20 weeks with DS1, 16 weeks with DS2 and 20 weeks with DS3. It was our choice. I don't like being centre of attention and having people talk about me. Also I didn't want a long public pregnancy. My DSIS told us 3 weeks in and it went on FOREVER. And we wanted some of the tests and results through before we talked about the pregnancies.

I don't know what the hell you do if you and your partner have differing opinions about when to tell people. I would not have liked my DH telling before I was ready. I hope you can come to some agreement.