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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be friends with my ex?

40 replies

Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 05:30

I have stayed friends with my first boyfriend. We went out for six months nine years ago. I haven't seen him for a couple of years but we have stayed in touch on Facebook. Recently we bumped into each other at a club and said we should meet up for a drink to catch up. My DH was jealous and against this. He would be welcome to come along so could see there's nothing going on but he doesn't want to because he doesn't like my friend. Then my friend said he might not be able to meet up because his wife is insecure about it. Again she would be welcome to come along. I am disappointed and insulted that people apparently think I would be unfaithful. AIBU to be friends with my ex or are our spouses BU to be against the friendship?

OP posts:
isitsnowingyet · 30/01/2014 05:51

YABU - leave it alone. Perhaps your 'friend' has previous for being unfaithful. Hence his wife's insecurities. Either way it is hardly worth pursuing your 'friendship'

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/01/2014 06:36

"Perhaps your 'friend' has previous for being unfaithful. Hence his wife's insecurities"

Maybe his wife is just jealous and clingy.

CaptainFabulous · 30/01/2014 06:42

I was friends with my ex; DP never liked him. I've been married to ex for five years now with two kjds...think DP sort of had a point...

Thumbwitch · 30/01/2014 06:46

I am friends with one ex - but only one. No need for jealousy anywhere and there is none. We are both married to other people and happy. I count his wife as a friend too.

I think if your friendship has mostly excluded your partners then I can see why they are suspicious; perhaps you should ALL get together so that it's clear you have nothing to hide.

ZillionChocolate · 30/01/2014 07:25

One day last week I spent an hour chatting to one ex, then went out for dinner with another. DH is fine about this. He's never met either of them, but knows that he is the man I chose to marry. No advice really, I'd hate to have such a clingy/paranoid partner, but I'm not sure it's worth rocking the boat.

evertonmint · 30/01/2014 07:32

DH stayed friends with an ex and it's fine - he sees her for lunch or dinner occasionally, we together see her and her family sometimes. We did chat about some of my insecurities about her once (there's a long history) which he was very understanding of and now it is all just fine.

I think the difference is that he has always been friends with her. It sounds like you had lapsed into being Facebook acquaintances only and are now trying to rekindle an actual friendship by meeting up. I think that would feel more threatening than if you had stayed in proper contact all through your relationship. Your respective DPs are probably thinking "why do they want to rekindle anything now when previously they'd let it drift?"

Original poster
Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 11:12

isitsnowingyet I don't think my friend has previous for being unfaithful because he doesn't seem like that sort of person. My DH is insecure and I've never cheated so I wouldn't assume there is no smoke without fire. I don't see why we shouldn't be friends because we went out for only a matter of months nearly a decade ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 11:13

Thumbwitch Our friendship hasn't intentionally excluded our partners. We have all met up together previously but it is tricky because my DH doesn't like my friend. I have suggested he bring his wife if we meet up however I suspect she doesn't like me. They are welcome to come along but choose not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 11:18

evertonmint I think part of the reason we drifted out of touch was life getting in the way and part of the reason was that it was too stressful to meet up when my DH doesn't like him. When I bumped into him I was shocked to think that it has been a couple of years. He is one of my oldest friends, that's the only reason I want to rekindle the friendship.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 30/01/2014 11:21

YABU

Im friend with my exes but I would never go out for drinks with them if I was married out of respect for my DH.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 11:25

What will happen when you do get married? Will you just stop being friends with your exes? I respect my DH but I don't feel it sets a healthy precedent for him to tell me who to be friends with.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 30/01/2014 11:30

You've got a choice, you can feel sorry for your hubby that he feels he's not good enough to hold you

Or

You can see it that he doesn't trust you.

ArsePaste · 30/01/2014 11:33

We often socialise with one of MrPaste's exes and her husband, it's no big deal if you all trust each other.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 11:35

Joysmum I think maybe that could be the issue, DH is insecure. However it is still hurtful and difficult to deal with when I have not done anything wrong. I feel sorry for him but I think it is something he needs to work on.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/01/2014 11:36

I find your husband and his wife's behaviour bizarre and immature (unless she has reasons you don't know of to be suspicious, which of course she might).

It was nine years ago! It was six months! Crikey.

I don't think not liking someone is a good reason to veto your spouse's friendship.

CaptainGrinch · 30/01/2014 11:49

Because no-one has ever run off with an old flame they've recently rediscovered... Hmm

It happens, it happens a lot.

If the ex was such a good friend why did you not have any contact for 9 years? Why the sudden interest now? I can't understand why people keep trying to go back to a previous time in their life - is it some sort of quest for eternal youth?

It's like all these sad 40 somethings having school reunions with people they haven't seen for 25 years & have nothing in common with!

Why not live the life you have now & enjoy it!

CoffeeTea103 · 30/01/2014 11:50

Yabu, I would leave it alone for respect for my DH. Why labor on this when it doesn't even seem like you are good friends anyway.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 11:58

CaptainGrinch I think you have misunderstood. We did have contact in 9 years. We stayed friends and met up sometimes. We have met up with our partners before. We just haven't seen each other in the last two years because we've been busy and my DH doesn't like him. We have stayed in touch on Facebook. Trust me, I am not trying to go back to when I was 16! That would involve some dodgy hairstyles apart from anything else! I love my life now, I just want my old friend to be a part of it.

OP posts:
aquashiv · 30/01/2014 12:02

Hard one.
I'm still very much in touchb with my ex family who count me as one of their own. They also really like the current Mr Shiv. The ex I rarely speak to but there is no animosity but I really would not continue with a close contact friendship out of respect for everyones feelings.

Overthinkerzzz · 30/01/2014 12:05

This sounds familiar Here

Original poster
Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 12:06

That's interesting. Not me though.

OP posts:
Iwannalaylikethisforever · 30/01/2014 12:08

Leave it alone out if respect for your dh.
Ex's should only meet if everyone involved is happy with it.
More hassle than it's worth otherwise.

meditrina · 30/01/2014 12:13

I'd let it go.

You have no idea why your ex's wife might be unhappy.

You need to work out if your DH is just miserable about this because he's simply not cool about friendships with people who have seen you naked (and that's not an uncommon position), and if you are OK with this aspect of his character. Not what you hoped for, but put-up-able with?

Or if he wants to control your friendships more widely. Deal-breaker?

wannaBe · 30/01/2014 12:15

I think every ex and every situation is different. It's far too black and white to suggest that all encounters with an ex will end up with you running away with them, and says a lot more about the instability of your marriage if this is even a possibility which should be considered.

That being said, if a break-up was something which took you a long while to get over, for instance, I can see why a partner might be insecure about you meeting up with them again.

Most of my ex's are from my school days and I am friends with almost all of them on fb, because they were school friends as well iyswim. They also all live in South Africa and there would never be chance to meet up with any of them. But I know that I could meet any of them without igniting any spark on my part iyswim. but we're talking one/two year long relationships from over twenty years ago, so I would be a bit Hmm if dp was insecure about any of them.

Having just said all that, one of my ex's (from twenty years ago) has in the last couple of days started messaging me on fb saying how I have been in his thoughts recently. Hmm when I pointed out that I am very happily in a relationship (as is he) he went on to justify by saying that he has been thinking about me because God obviously wants him to be there for me. Hmm wtf? I have of course been entirely honest with dp about this communication which he thinks is quite funny really and knows absolutely that I have no intentions of indulging any of it.

nyldn · 30/01/2014 13:06

maybe when you have met up with your partners in the past they didn't like the way you acted toward each other? maybe they felt uncomfortable by it? it's a shame but if both of your partners are against it, it's probably best to leave it alone.

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