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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be friends with my ex?

40 replies

Topaz25 · 30/01/2014 05:30

I have stayed friends with my first boyfriend. We went out for six months nine years ago. I haven't seen him for a couple of years but we have stayed in touch on Facebook. Recently we bumped into each other at a club and said we should meet up for a drink to catch up. My DH was jealous and against this. He would be welcome to come along so could see there's nothing going on but he doesn't want to because he doesn't like my friend. Then my friend said he might not be able to meet up because his wife is insecure about it. Again she would be welcome to come along. I am disappointed and insulted that people apparently think I would be unfaithful. AIBU to be friends with my ex or are our spouses BU to be against the friendship?

OP posts:

Curlyweasel · 30/01/2014 13:33

Wouldn't it be great if everyone could just get along? Yes it would, but life's not always like that is it?

Your DH doesn't like this person (you haven't said why - is it just because he's your ex, or is it that he doesn't like him per se?) and you should probably respect that.

It may be that if the situation were reversed it wouldn't bother you, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't bother him - he's entitled to voice his feelings (whether or not you feel they are justified).

That being said, I'm a green-eyed monster so whaddo I know?

redexpat · 30/01/2014 14:16

I think staying friends with an ex is always nice in theory but never works in practice.

hickerybobp · 30/01/2014 14:29

I'd actually be more suspicious of a spouse or even potential partner who wasn't still friends with their ex partner(s). I think it's a good sign that people can get along after a relationship breaks down and shows that they can act as an adult and also that the reasons for the break up were nothing drastic and unforgivable.

I'm still really good friends with one of my ex partners and we chat online most days, and still speak to another one on occasion just as a catch up even though we broke up years and years ago!

I think if it really is just a friendship then you should be allowed to spend time with that person if you want to.

Pollaidh · 30/01/2014 14:44

I'm still in touch with almost all my exes all of whom are at least 10 years an ex, as I've been with dh that long. Range from couple of months at school relationships through to 1-2 year adult relationships and flings. They vary from occasional contacts to best friends. At least 3 attended our wedding. For me I generally had relationships with friends, so remained friends after. I still go and see their families too.

My dh is completely secure about them, plays sport with them sometimes, men only, and ensures I get to go on what we jokingly call 'dates' so I get some 1:1 time with them, while he babysits. I even stay over. The exes own current partners have generally never had an issue with my position in their partner's life.

Having had relationships with them I consider myself well and truly vaccinated against any further relationships. There's no mystery, no grass is greener - I've tasted the grass over there and I'm very happy to stay here thank you very much. Personally I feel that a tried and tested ex is often a much safer proposition than an exciting new man.

Pollaidh · 30/01/2014 14:52

Zillion so glad I'm not the only one who does this. Perhaps our dps think there is safety in numbers!?

following · 30/01/2014 15:05

you say your dh does not like your friend , but he is not a friend he is an ex partner , he must be an ex for a reason,leave the past in the past ,if your dh and your ex partners wife are not happy i dont see the point in meeting up , it will cause all sorts of resentment and arguments .

Weelady77 · 30/01/2014 15:12

I think you should just let it be! if your friends on fb that's fine catch up on there it's better than arguing with your DH about it

wobblyweebles · 30/01/2014 15:14

I'm friends with various exes and it doesn't bother my husband at all. And vice versa. We've both managed to get to our mid-forties and through 15 years of marriage without running off with any exes.

I'm a bit baffled by those who say staying friends with an ex can never go well :-/

ZillionChocolate · 31/01/2014 08:18

Pollaidh and wobblyweebles, we might be weird, but at least we're not alone!

If meeting an ex means your marriage is at risk, doesn't that equally well mean you might start shagging the milk man? To me, that level of control/distrust is indicative of a problem in the current relationship, not necessarily an inappropriate friendship.

Sparklymommy · 31/01/2014 09:01

I a friends with all my exes. Not a problem. Dh accepts I have a past and he's not bothered. How would I feel if he was bothered? I'd probably try to reassure him but I don't think I would stop being friends with them. I wouldn't rub it in Dh's face tho.

Joysmum · 31/01/2014 10:24

Topaz he can't work on it by himself. I speak from experience.

My own DH had been patient with me, a previous partner cheated on me and left me very doubtful of my worthiness and ability to hold my husband.

Then I lost a hell of a lot of weight when I can to grips with my eating disorder and lost 5 dress sizes. This left my husband questioning whether he was good enough for me.

What neither if us did was to go all defensive or aggressive and see it as the fault of the other. All we did was feel extremely sad that the other felt like it and resolved to support them through by reinforcing exactly how we felt about it other.

Blame is so destructive. Together you'll be able to tackle it more effectively...or you could just see it as his problem and therefore nothing you need to do.

I can only say I'm glad that in my marriage, we supported each other. No red flags, just insecurity.

Original poster

Topaz25 · 31/01/2014 10:37

It's not about blaming him and I do feel sad that he feels that way but at the same time it is extremely upsetting for me to be treated like I might cheat on him when I would never do that. I don't see what I can do to make him feel better. I feel that if I agreed not to see my friend that would just be playing into the idea that something might happen which is irrational.

I don't see where I have been defensive, aggressive or destructive as you describe it. I want my husband to have counselling to work on his jealousy issues I think that is constructive. I want to be supportive but at the same time I don't want to validate the jealousy when it is irrational. TBH I feel you are projecting a lot of your situation on to me.

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SaucyJack · 31/01/2014 10:46

I'm with your husband personally. Nothing worse than exes hanging round like a rank unflushable turd.

Original poster

Topaz25 · 31/01/2014 11:12

Oh dear I do hope his DW doesn't see me that way, I've always been nice to her! What a horrible way to talk about another human being!

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Original poster

Topaz25 · 31/01/2014 11:18

I am prepared not to pursue the friendship if it causes stress on our relationships, I just feel sad about the situation. We have been friends longer than we were ever together so I don't see why it should be an issue. I had no idea my friend's DW saw me as any kind of threat, I had hoped we could also be friends. But the last thing I want is drama.

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