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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Hurt

28 replies

OneUp · 29/01/2014 22:42

that DP would rather wait years to have an expensive wedding (the place we looked at wanted £6000 for a wedding with catering) instead of getting married in the registry office.

I probably ABU but I feel hurt that he'd rather have a showy day than have me as his wife.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 29/01/2014 22:43

Tbh it is horses for courses. I am with you but some people want to have a special family and friends day which I can understand. Can you compromise?

Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 22:46

If we compromise it'll mean probably another two or three years until we can even think about getting married. We're both full time students and he works part time.

Feel silly getting upset about it but I just wanted to have the same name as him and our 2 year old.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 29/01/2014 22:47

What does he say about it?

anothernumberone · 29/01/2014 22:53

I would want that too OP but at the end of the day you are obviously very committed already and the wedding is on the cards. You have to compromise and he will as well. Neither of you are unreasonable.

Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 22:54

That he never imagined getting married in a registry official. I don't want to push me over this because he'd end up giving me my own way even if it wasn't what he wanted (he's like that). I don't want him to regret the day, just wish he wanted to be married as much as I do. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 22:56

office* even. Sorry trying to use my phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 22:56

I've offered to get married in a church too (which I feel weird about, as I'm not religious at all) because he's a christian and I imagined that was what he wanted.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 29/01/2014 22:59

He's already very committed in terms of your child. I think you should respect his wishes about the type of wedding he wants, even though it's hard waiting.

Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 23:06

I'm going to CoffeeTea103. I guess it doesn't help seeing people who got engaged after us getting married in a couple of months. Feel quite jealous of her because they've arranged it all in less than a year and I have to wait to have things that don't matter to me when the one thing that does matter (having the same last name as our two year old) is the thing I can't have.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 29/01/2014 23:25

Well what would he compromise on? Has he said? Find out his red lines and give yours, budget and you can start saving.

Only1scoop · 29/01/2014 23:29

If you are not religious at all....why would you want to he married!

Only1scoop · 29/01/2014 23:30

Should say 'be married'....sorry

Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 23:33

He seems to want a lot of things his way. He wants a certain theme for the reception and the ceremony, a new suit and a really upmarket venue which only allows their own caterers. apart from the venue, everything else could be done if we did things my way, I'm happy to let him have his own way on the theme and reception. He keeps talking about it like our two year old will be all grown up by the time we get married. I sometimes wonder why he asked me to marry him at all if he doesn't want to get married for years. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 23:36

I partly want the legal protection it offers but mainly want to share his name with him and 2 year old. I know I could change my name legally but a) it doesn't feel the same and b) he keeps saying that we're getting married when i bring up changing my name legally.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 23:39

He doesn't seem to really want to compromise at all. Feel hurt that I showed him all the ideas I'd had based around his theme and told him we could almost afford to do it and then he basically just said he'd never imagined getting married in a registry office and shut the whole thing down.

OP posts:
BrandNewIggi · 29/01/2014 23:42

Just start using his name? Nothing to stop you, no intent to defraud. Do you think there is any chance he is deliberately stalling? I ask as the men I've known couldn't care less about the wedding itself, and are happy to leave it up to their future wives to plan.

Original poster
OneUp · 29/01/2014 23:44

I'm starting to think he is stalling on purpose. If he doesn't want to get married I wish he'd just tell me.

OP posts:
wouldbemedic · 29/01/2014 23:50

I understand why you're hurt.

Just be careful that your DP, picking up on the hurt you're obviously feeling, start avoiding the whole wedding conversation altogether because of the tension. Because that will translate in your mind as confirmation that he isn't keen. Which wouldn't necessarily be the case.

You're perfectly in order to explain that the day doesn't matter to you but having the same name within a reasonable time frame does. He can't close down the discussion because you're owed a reasonable response to this. If he doesn't want you to change your name so you can share your family's name sooner rather than later, you deserve some kind of conversation as to why. But it would be tempting to move that discussion into 'why did you ask me to marry you at all?' etc. which could push him into saying something he doesn't mean. Call me a skeptic, but I think men often say things they don't mean when they hear the question 'why'? :)

wouldbemedic · 29/01/2014 23:51

That should be 'doesn't' in the first line of the first paragraph :)

foslady · 30/01/2014 07:09

Why bot ask if he'll reg office with the two of you now and plan to bless in 2 years time? That way he can still have his big do.

MadAsFish · 30/01/2014 07:31

If you are not religious at all....why would you want to he married!

It's not just religious types who get married.

QueenofKelsingra · 30/01/2014 08:06

i was going to say the same as foslady. a quiet registry office wedding soon and then plan the big event with a blessing or even renewal of vows when you have the money.

the main thing is to sit down and have a calm conversation with him and explain. to be honest 'legal protection' sounds like you already think he'll leave you and 'to share his name' can be done without marriage so i dont think your priorities for getting married are quite right, have a good think about why you want to do this sooner rather than later so you can explain the reasons to him.

also, might be worth asking him whether he wants a marriage or a wedding as they are not the same thing.

QueenofKelsingra · 30/01/2014 08:08

also, ask yourself, would you be in such a hurry if it wasnt for friends getting married before you? again, this is not a good reason to rush things!

carabos · 30/01/2014 08:34

How old are you?

oranges · 30/01/2014 08:44

The legal protection is a completely valid point as you have a child. Can you point that out to him? Or at the least insist on getting legal documents drawn up affording you three the same protections as a marriage would.

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