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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about visiting in laws while pregnant

55 replies

toddlewaddleflipflop · 29/01/2014 21:28

I'm nearly 30 weeks pregnant with a baby who has a serious health condition that will need surgery in the first few weeks of life. My MIL is wanting us to visit (to stay in a b&b near them as they really don't have space for us). They live in the middle of nowhere, 2-3 hours drive from the hospital the baby needs to be born in, and with no hospital that can provide the specialist care baby needs any nearer. My first baby was born at 36 weeks. Its about 3.5 hours drive from our house to theirs and we would have our three year old with us. AIBU to not want to go? I feel bad as, though I've said no, she was crying on the phone to DH just now...

If it makes any difference, we drove even further to visit them at other relatives house at Christmas. We've said they are welcome to come here, though health issues for stepFIL make it difficult, though not impossible, for them to travel.

OP posts:
Original poster
toddlewaddleflipflop · 29/01/2014 22:01

He might well go on his own in the next couple of weeks or so, that would probably be ok. Thanks for good wishes re the baby!

OP posts:
Rhuba · 29/01/2014 22:11

Yes send DH & DS and stay at home and rest.

I hope everything goes well for you and your baby.

CoffeeTea103 · 29/01/2014 22:20

Yanbu, she can cry about it but you shouldn't go. Your baby and your health take priority. You would think that being a mother herself she would think of this herself.

Koothrapanties · 29/01/2014 23:19

No way. I would not go. Definitely not! Yanbu at all!

whereisshe · 29/01/2014 23:30

No no no, you aren't being at all unreasonable! You should absolutely be putting yourself and the baby first at the moment, and it just isn't worth the risk to be so far from the hospital at this stage. Unless it was genuinely a last-chance-to-see illness issue with the PIL they can just wait. Best wishes for the birth and your baby's surgery!

Wantsunshine · 29/01/2014 23:33

YANBU of course do not go. So, how hard would MIL cry if there was an issue while you were visiting and there was an issue with your baby. This is a no brainer. Do not go you need to do what is right for you at this time

Wuxiapian · 29/01/2014 23:33

YANBU.

Too risky.

foreverondiet · 29/01/2014 23:36

Why can't she visit you. I normally am a bit like "pull yourself together" when people get stressed out (with a normal pregnancy) when their DH wants to go to a stag weekend 2 weeks before due date a few hours away or similar, but in the circs you describe you need to stay near home.

If you have friends nearby (in case you need them) send your DH and DS but you stay at home.

As for the crying, totally not fair on you.

I would send a text: Dear MIL, I can't come to visit you as I need to be near our hospital. You are welcome to visit us, and of course DH and DS can visit. However I am in shock that you have asked me to put my baby's life at risk to visit you.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/01/2014 00:57

there's nothing wrong with her crying if she is disppointed, as long as it is accompanied by something that acknowledges that you must do what is best for you. if she is turning on the waterworks to manipulate the situation, then it is different.

Bubblegoose · 30/01/2014 01:21

There is no way I'd go. Your MIL can cry all she wants, the alternative scenario where you go into labour in the middle of nowhere is far more cryworthy.

I sincerely wish you and your baby all the best.

Amy106 · 30/01/2014 02:22

You are not unreasonable, not at all. You need to do whatever is best for you and for your unborn baby and that is certainly not a stressful situation like that.

ZillionChocolate · 30/01/2014 07:13

I wouldn't send foreverondiet's text. The baby's life at risk bit is only going to damage your relationship with MiL. It sounds from what you say that she's needy rather than manipulative. Just not possible/against doctor's advice would be just as effective IMO.

Original poster
toddlewaddleflipflop · 30/01/2014 09:10

Yes, tempting as it may be to text, I wont as we're definitely talking about someone who is needy and not thinking about the possible consequences (maybe because their life is so overwhelmingly hard/sad) than a horrible person. I shall stand my ground quietly! Thanks all.

OP posts:
granny24 · 30/01/2014 10:15

SHOUTING VERY LOUDLY. YOU ANBU. SHE IS BEING VVVU.

Meerka · 30/01/2014 10:29

it sounds like she's in a bad place, perhaps you can suggest a time after the birth or even (is this possible?) for her to visit for a few days if your husband goes to pick her up.

But you absolutely need to stay very close to medical care. If anything went wrong .... it doesn't bear thinking about!

FlankShaftMcWap · 30/01/2014 11:02

I would text her actually, maybe reading it in black and white may make the penny drop. Gently of course. Maybe along the lines of "MIL I'm so sorry to hear that you're upset, I hope you know that we are disappointed too. We'd love to see you of course and if it were possible we'd do everything we could to get there. One thing we cannot do is risk the baby, and visiting somwhere far away from a hospital that could help us in an emergency is a big risk. We will visit as soon as it is safe and in the meantime you are welcome here as always."

I think just a gentle reminder that it isn't a refusal, it's an impossibility might sway her.

Rhuba · 30/01/2014 22:57

FlankShaftMcWap- you are very diplomatic. I think you should go into politics, they'd be world peace in no time! Smile

steppemum · 30/01/2014 23:01

I would hide behind the doctors. Tell you are have been told you MUST remain within 1 hours drive of hospital from week 30.

Don't give in, you and your baby need to know you are safe.

LastOneDancing · 30/01/2014 23:06

I'd compromise - send DH and DS.

...And spend the day on the sofa with a chocolate orange and netflix.

All the best for the birth and your baby OP!

AnUnearthlyChild · 30/01/2014 23:15

Gosh, I had a similar 'must visit' issue when I was 30 wks into a pregnancy with pretty severe complications.

Except mine was a work / training related 'you must attend this interview ' you will fail the course if you do not attend type thing, 2 hrs drive from my home hospital location.

I emailed back explaining my situation, and offering alternative solution.

They apologised and furiously back pedalled. And they explained the request had been sent in error, there was NO WAY they would ask someone in my condition to go anywhere, good luck with your treatment, get in contact when you feel able, no rush etc etc'

That, IMO is the only acceptable response in this situation.

Good luck with your pregnancy, and best wishes for your baby.

rabbitlady · 31/01/2014 08:03

you and your baby take priority. she can visit you, or better still, keep away.

ZillionChocolate · 31/01/2014 08:05

I think Flank's text is well drafted.

scantilymad · 31/01/2014 09:43

YANBU! Your health and the baby's health are priority. They saw you last month and they are welcome to travel to you. Please don't feel bad, you would be making the right decision not to go and I think they know deep down they are being unreasonable to keep asking.

Good luck with the baby and best wishes for the first few weeks with the surgery.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 31/01/2014 09:51

YANBU, of course not. Difficult position for you to be placed in though. I'd speak to MIL, make sure she understands why you're saying no, tell her you're sorry she's upset, but this isn't really a decision you can risk making right now.

Then maybe offer to meet half way (towards your hospital area) for a nice lunch / dinner.

Best of luck for you and your little one.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 31/01/2014 09:55

Yanbu.

Send your dh and dc for a visit though, then you can get some proper rest.

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