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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my DH?

52 replies

Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 14:57

Every time our DCs are ill and I want them checking out he acts horribly towards me and speaks to me like a piece of shit. He's an excellent DH in most other respects.

When I tell him how much it upsets me he brushes it off. I don't understand why he wouldn't rather be safe than sorry when it comes to the DCs - most of the time I'm right to be concerned.

For example he's just gone bezerk as I want DS taken to the walk in centre. He's prone to chest infections and he's making funny breathing sounds.

I'm not sure how to deal with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 16:05

I don't with every little thing re. the kids but when I have it's always been justified - so it's not like I keep getting sent off with a pat on the head.

I think this was a vent as I'm so frustrated with DH over this. It's like I always presume the worst and him the best regarding the children's health and I think BOTH are damaging.

There's been many a time I've insisted on a check out and he's been proven wrong.

I suppose in a way that's why we work together as a partnership well but it can cause arguments like this.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 29/01/2014 16:06

It's your mental illness though that you're passing on to your kids.
This is something you need help with as it's not good gor your children.
Maybe take a back step and listen to your DH sometimes.
Though you haven't explained what you mean by berserk. Is he aggressive to you?

Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 16:07

Sorry not abusive - just very angry and patronising which is out of character.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 16:09

I do need to trust his judgement more I think. That's a very valid point.

OP posts:
DIYapprentice · 29/01/2014 16:11

Are you truly a hypochondriac, or are you over cautious? There's a big difference. A hypochondriac will turn even the mildest of ailments into something major, and will worry about anything and everything.

Being over cautious - is when something is wrong, but you just aren't really sure how serious, and will always err on the side of caution.

WitchWay · 29/01/2014 16:22

You can go to the doctor too soon, even with something like a developing chest infection. You will worry because of the previous bronchiolitis but if your children are reasonably well & in particular are eating & drinking reasonable amounts (especially the baby) it is unlikely there is anything too serious going on. If you go too early in the course of an illness, often there will be little for the doctor to find & nothing to treat - you will be falsely reassured that it is just minor & they have already been checked if they start getting worse so may feel you can't / don't ned to seek help later. Much better to see how things go at first if you can.

WitchWay · 29/01/2014 16:23

need not ned Blush

Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 16:23

That's fantastic advice and makes absolute sense to me WitchWay. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 16:30

Yes he was eating fine and no temp. Went too soon didn't we.

Still no need for the anger though. DH still in the bad books.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 29/01/2014 16:38

No problem Woowoo - I am a GP in my spare time Smile

Innogen · 29/01/2014 16:53

In this circumstance I wouldn't even discuss it with DH, I'd just take my child to the doctor.

WitchWay · 29/01/2014 17:03

Agree your DH ought not to get so angry - perhaps he uses it to cover up the fact that he's more worried than he's letting on. Glad your little one is alright. GPs never mind seeing small children for reassurance, but as I mentioned above it is possible to be falsely reassured.

gamerchick · 29/01/2014 17:12

do you wanthim to take the bairn every time you think he should be checked out? I think that would do my head in a bit with my partner.. especially if he has form for being over cautious.

glad to hear the bairns alright.

Joysmum · 29/01/2014 17:34

Tbh if he's questioning why you are bothering and you go anyway and the doctor keeps finding nothing wrong, he's got the better judgement and it's no wonder he's frustrated by you.

lollerskates · 29/01/2014 17:49

Do you actually have health anxiety or are you just very cautious?

rollonthesummer · 29/01/2014 17:59

How often do you take them to the doctors and how often are you given medication for them?

We cannot tell if your DH is being ridiculous or reasonable from this little information and we can't comment if you are being sensible or ridiculous either.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2014 18:31

Have you ever sat down with DH and asked him what his criteria is to determine if a Dr visit is necessary? I mean at a time when it's not an 'issue', not when you are in the middle of a row about it. Have you asked the children's Dr if he/she feels you are overly cautious?

Running to the Dr for every little sniffle or bellyache is not healthy for your dcs. You could be instilling in them lifelong fears that may have a negative affect on them as adults.

I raised an asthmatic child who was prone to ear infections and bronchitis. and didn't feel the need to run to the doctor every time he coughed or wheezed. I had a good talk with his paediatrician and became educated on what I could safely monitor on my own and what needed a trip to the office.

I think it may be wise for you to seek counseling to learn to deal with your own hypochondria before you pass it on.

Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 19:09

No I have actual health anxiety and don't want to pass it on to my DCs. However I am not ridiculous re. doctors visits - there has to be an actual problem - temp of 40 etc. I do think caution should be exercised with little ones due to how quickly things can take a nosedive.

I don't want to pass on my anxiety but equally like any other mum if anything happened to DCs and I hadn't done my utmost to protect them is forever blame myself. I suppose on some level it's making sure I've always done all I can to make sure they're okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 19:10
  • I'd forever
OP posts:
christmasnamechange · 29/01/2014 19:28

Ok, look heres what I would do.

Id prepare a few check lists might sound crazy but bear with me.

as an example.

does dc have tempreture yes or no
If yes give paracetomol etc and recheck in 30min has tempreture come down? If yes then recheck in a hour.

Does DC have a cough? Yes or no
Is it productive yes or no?
If yes is the stuff they are coughing up clear or yellow, green, brown?
If clear then monitor, if yellow green or brown it MIGHT be an infection and needs to be checked by a doc

Breathing.
Is dc breathing slow and easy or wheezing?
If wheezing is bit of skin at the base of the neck being pulled in with each breath? If yes then needs to see a doctor.

So on and so forth. You and DH could draw up the list together,

That way you could both run down the check list and if there are any red flag seek medical advice - NHS direct, walk in center, gp, a and e etc. if not then you could safely monitor DC for a while and then go back through the check list.

Would that help do you think?

GreenPetal94 · 29/01/2014 19:49

When you do go to the Drs with the little ones, then ask at the end whether you should have brought them in or not. Some doctors can give you a very helpful answer. Then share the answer honestly with dh and discuss it then, not next time you are concerned.

Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 19:50

Yes that's actually a good idea! Maybe more for me though - I could use it as a way to keep me calm before taking it to that next level and having a panic to DH. Thanks Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woowoowoowoo · 29/01/2014 19:51

Rainbow - really good advice too. Thank you.

I have to say though my family GPs are also on the cautious side too.

OP posts:
CoolaSchmoola · 29/01/2014 20:06

You wanted your DH to take your son to the Dr, he didn't feel it was necessary, but you insisted so HE went, and it turns out he was right and your son is fine...

Tbh if my DH was a hypochondriac and insisted that I take dd to the Dr, even though I as a co parent, and not having a known health anxiety issue, didn't think it was necessary I'd be seriously pissed off too.

And if dd turned out to be fine I'd be annoyed.

I think you need to recognise that your health anxiety is preventing you being objective and you should listen to your DH, particularly because tonight he was right.

rollonthesummer · 29/01/2014 20:36

Are you taking them to the GP or are you telling your husband to take them?

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