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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really cheesed off by this?

57 replies

winkywinkola · 27/01/2014 18:22

Dh working from home.

I give dcs their supper. Homemade meatballs, hidden veg sauce and orzo.

They eat it all but ds2 (aged 4) complains its spicy but wants more meatballs and sauce. Eh? He's not finished his orzo anyway.

Dh decides to give them all one of those tins of Peppa Pig pasta on top of what they've had.

Why? I feel like he completely undermines me by doing this. I gave them 4 large meatballs each. They had plenty of home cooked food, one child says it's too spicy and he gives them this shit stuff. Why? Isn't that just saying mum'a food isn't good enough, here you are have this instead.

I feel like he does this all the time to try and be Father Christmas dad. Lots of sweets, makes cakes every day for them (ready mix stuff which is fine) but not every day.

Everything I try and do I feel like is somehow not exciting enough and he will up the ante.

We can't work as a team in this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
winkywinkola · 30/01/2014 23:17

I've told him we can't continue like this.

He says he cannot see what my issue is.

Different hymn books.

Been to guidance before. Lots of head nodding, anger, head nodding, anger and finally what seemed to be some resolution.

Back to square 1.

He says if we divorce, he will quit his job tomorrow, pull dcs out of school (prep) and he doesn't know if he'll be in this country. I told him to bloody stop stupid and to be there for his children no matter what.

Thing is, if we do divorce he would be far far better off than me. He's high in his profession, would have more time to devote to it etc.

He cannot see the huge yawning gap in our parenting.

Is this the kind of thing to divorce over? I feel at the end of my rope.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 30/01/2014 23:26

"He says if we divorce, he will quit his job tomorrow, pull dcs out of school (prep) and he doesn't know if he'll be in this country" So he i prepared to hurt his children to get back you??? or more likely, he is using his children (right now) to keep you under control. You wont divorce him because you don't want to lose the security for your children.

I do feel your pain over gaps in parenting - you could be describing my DP and i have thought (fleetingly) about separating because of it, i don't because i know its becase he adores his DD and doesn't EVER want her to be upest, wants her to be happy ALL the time etc - its quite lovely, its just not good parenting, its pretty lazy parenting actually. But i forgive him because i know he does it out of love. (he is wrong - and he will learn). Your DP sounds more like he is insecure about his position in the house and feels he has to be in control at home - is he in management?

Original poster
winkywinkola · 30/01/2014 23:31

He has a small team. He can't bear anyone questioning his judgement or if his team start to show initiative. Some have and it has been damaging rather than well thought out initiative.

He's a good person but I'm now feeling trapped. He's refusing to accept any fault at all. I'm worried how far he will go. He's pretty cold actually. He's in the spare room. Deadlock.

I wouldn't mind if he actually did help out with cooking etc. But he chooses to cook so that he really doesn't help.

I could do with an RL friend.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 30/01/2014 23:37

Do you get out much winky? How old are the kids? Is he not English? (Not really relevant but wobdered if he had family abroad)

Original poster
winkywinkola · 30/01/2014 23:40

Do I get out much?

OP posts:
RussianBlu · 30/01/2014 23:44

I need to know what orzo is please!

Original poster
winkywinkola · 30/01/2014 23:48

Mini pasta. Rice like in appearance. Ds2 is dead fussy eater. Orzo is small enough not to "choke" as he says.

OP posts:
HanSolo · 30/01/2014 23:49

Orzo is just tiny pasta- like cowrie shells

HanSolo · 30/01/2014 23:53

I think it is really hard for children when their parents are coming from completely different philosophical standpoints.

Has he always been like this, had different ideas about parenting from you? I am just wondering if he is trying to retreat into his childhood ideals, through homesickness, perhaps?

It's very unfair when you are the parent that always has to uphold the rules, make the sensible choices, make the children meet their obligations. Could he not see this at counselling?

PandaFeet · 31/01/2014 00:07

Do you not have any RL friends? Why is that?

You don't need us to give you permission to divorce him. If you aren't happy then you need to.

Get legal advice re his threats to take DC out of the country. He doesn't get to hold you to ransom like that. He sounds very manipulative. The peppa pig pasta was a weapon in a game of power. He is continually asserting himself. And when your children go to him after you have said no, it is reaffirming is assertion that he will take them away from you, and that they will be happy with that.

You can get out of this if you want to. You just need to speak to the right people and take the right course of action. My advice would be to make no rash decisions. Have your plans in place before you let him suspect anything.

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 00:42

What panda feet said -every word

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 00:44

Sorry missed your question op. I meant do you have time for yourself? Go anywhere with the kids? Without the kids? Does he vito this?

tallwivglasses · 31/01/2014 02:24

I'd say LTB, but presumably if you did he'd still have to feed your dc occasionally. So - he obviously doesn't believe all these disney-dad treats are doing his kids any harm. Book an appointment with a nutritionist and keep a diary for 2 weeks.

Maybe if he hears it from a professional he'll sit up and take notice.

Meanwhile I'd be wondering why the man who's supposed to be a life-partner and part of a team was undermining me and belittling me so much at the expense of his kids' health Hmm

MrsCakesPremonition · 31/01/2014 02:45

BTW - my DS is 5yo and says a lot of food is "spicy", we think he means strongly flavoured (herbs, olives and strong cheddar are all spicy according to DS) and it isn't always a bad thing as he generally enjoys the food despite calling it too spicy.

As to your DH - it really sounds like you both need to come up with a new approach to parenting together. Maybe find a parenting course you can both go on - there are lots around, look for ones based on the principles of positive parenting.

TallGiraffe · 31/01/2014 04:17

Would he read a parenting book? If so, can I recommend 'brain rules for baby' which is not just about babies! It was the book that finally got my husband I realise we ha to parent as a team, no good guy bad guy. Can't praise it highly enough!

TallGiraffe · 31/01/2014 04:18

To realise we had to

Ugh phone...

Original poster
winkywinkola · 31/01/2014 06:48

I just don't think he is able to translate theory into behaviour.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 31/01/2014 08:24

Make him do their dinner on his own for a week. He might appreciate your efforts a bit more. I would HATE to be undermined in this way.

Did he really suggest divorce and that he'd actually abandon these children he cares so much for, because you suggested that he was feeding the dcs unhealthy stuff? Or is it too early and I read that wrong? I bloody hope so, because that really would make him an arse!

Quoteunquote · 31/01/2014 10:23

You are married to a popularity tart,

Sit him down and explain you are not prepared to play the role of mean parent, while he plays popularity tart role.

Ask him what he is going to do about it.

Tell him you will leave him to think through all the implications and to let you know when he has a solution,

He created the problem let him work out the only solution, that he grows the fuck up and starts to co parent.

Hardrockhallelujah · 31/01/2014 10:34

I have exactly the same problem and I don't know what the answer is... I have thought about leaving with the kids but don't really know how to do it.

He thinks they would want to be with him and maybe they would for 10 minutes or so but he can't even handle both of them himself for a day let alone any length of time.

Anyway, watching with interest as I've had the same conversations as you OP, time and time again. He doesn't believe in counselling or parenting books or anything that isn't his way but I do believe he does these things out of love and wanting to be their best mate not out of what is best for them, IYSWIM
.

Sparklysilversequins · 31/01/2014 10:44

I think he sounds passive aggressive, the food thing especially. My ex twat that he was used to interpret anything similar I tried to do, such as saying no to soft drinks daily as my trying to control everyone in the family or Be In Charge and would do the opposite every time (in front of dc) just to undermine me. It got to the point that I couldn't actually parent my dc in any meaningful way in front if him as I knew he would step in and be directly oppositional. Was a nightmare and so frustrating. I left him for many reasons but that was a big one.

lymiemum · 31/01/2014 10:50

I agree he was being weird.
But
Do you think that you get to make all parenting decisions? You don't think he should do xyz so he shouldn't.
But why is that the case?

Sparklysilversequins · 31/01/2014 10:54

I don't think the OP has said anything like she should make all the parenting decisions at all. Cakes and sweets every day? Cans of tinned food when there is perfectly good home cooked food available? Those are not the decisions of a good, adult parent, more like a ten year old!

ApprenticeViper · 31/01/2014 10:58

Not much to add that hasn't already been said, but YADNBU.

A PP suggested getting your DH to make dinner every night for a week. The problem with this, for me, would be that, as he is out of the house by 7.30am most mornings, he wouldn't get to see the effects of poor nutrition on the DCs behaviour, and it's left to you to deal with.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be so undermined and controlled by someone who is meant to be on your side. Sorry OP Sad

lymiemum · 31/01/2014 11:08

I agree the husband is being unreasonable. But if my husband told me I wasn't allowed to give our children certain things because they didn't want them to have it, I would get annoyed.
Its got to be joint decisions. That they both agree to. Laying down the law knowing they don't agree will not work. Is there no way to agree limits?
No juice after specific times for example?
Or cake at certain times.
Both have to compromise.