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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell him to go back to where he came from?

68 replies

ohhifruit · 27/01/2014 17:36

My BIL that is.
He is a nice guy but very fussy and I'm about to snap.
We are currently living in a small flat with 3 DC, 1 on the way, I run a business from home, DH has a busy job which he likes to wind down after once home and we're in the stressful process of buying a house.

BIL has been living in Brazil for the last 3 years and showed up on our doorstep on Boxing Day. It was a wonderful surprise and we had a great old family time. He asked if he could stay "for a about a week", we knew it would be a struggle space wise but a week is nothing, he is family. He is booked to go back to Brazil in March. He told us he had plans to float around visiting old uni friends, stay with his parents and to go to Spain for a few weeks.

HE HAS BEEN HERE FOR A MONTH.
He sleeps on our sofa which is in the only room that isn't a bedroom or bathroom - where all the living is done, it is living room, office, dining room, kitchen all in one.
I feel I have to tip toe around getting the children up for school, fed, clothed and out door whilst trying wrangle a toddler and run my business.
He just sits there and makes grand plans for the day over breakfast to visit museums or hop on a train somewhere exciting but when I come back from the school run he is still there, in his pants, unwashed at 9.30.

He moans our food isn't up to scratch, we don't have enough 'high brow TV' and that we read The Guardian. He has been here a month and whilst I know we shouldn't feel put out when it is family I DO. We are doing mortgage-y things and feeding an extra (fussy) adult is bloody annoying. He has never once put his hand in his pocket or bought a pint of milk but will go to the shop and buy a whole salami, a loaf of bread and a bottle of beer and have the whole bloody lot for lunch.

Last week I added him to the cleaning rota (we have a blackboard cleaning rota which our sons have small tasks and us parents have bigger) to do a quick hoover of the living area and take the bins out and he wiped the chalk off the board when I wasn't looking! I was so angry I picked up DD, put the dog on the lead and marched to the park in anger.

He moans about everything, he can't see the positive in anything. From politics, literature, art, fashion, general chatter, films, economics, ANYTHING, every single thing is "dull", "boring", "a bit daft" or just damn well not up to his standards. I think he is a hipster but he doesn't even like things that hipsters like. He hates everything anyone hates, which doesn't leave him with a lot to converse about.

DH is frankly a pussy, he is so good in other "manly" ways but standing up to family is not one, no matter how hard I push him. He idolises his brother because he is older and 'cooler' but I know he is fed up too, he just wants to sprawl on the sofa and watch Breaking Bad whilst eating non-organic crisps.

AIBU to ask him to leave?

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 27/01/2014 18:30

He doesn't pay a penny and doesn't help out and moans all the time???

You've been a saint to put up with this but you'd be a mug to let it go on.

Kick him out!!

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 27/01/2014 18:36

Gosh, sounds awful! We live overseas and rent somewhere, usually on AirBNB, when we come back as it's too much to impose on family for a month at a time. He sounds like a total chancer - surely he should recognise that once children are part of this mix, this kind of set up is completely inappropriate?

I'd give your DH the chance to tell him to go - and if he doesn't, then you do it. It's your home too - and office, and bank account. If he'd helped out, cooked, done stuff with the kids etc then it might have been different but he sounds like a total layabout from what you've said. You're not his parents! (Even if you were, you've been more than generous!)

AspieLass · 27/01/2014 18:38

DH is frankly a pussy

You have no respect for you husband at all - please show him that post and give him the ammunition to divorce you. Rare, but you disgust me. there I've said it.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 27/01/2014 18:38

Have you got MUG written on your forehead?
Why on earth haventt you booted him out yet?
As for keeping your dc quiet, well I'm bewildered.

ouryve · 27/01/2014 18:39

He's taking the piss. Tell him he's gone. Yesterday.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 27/01/2014 18:41

you've made it so lovely for him why should he leave?

Give him 2 days on proper family time. Let the kids make noise, shout.. eat rubbish and if he comments say "we have to eat less expensively now that we are a 3 adult family"

Put his name back on the board and explain how the chore chart works as patronisingly as possible. Because he obviously doesn't understand or he would never have erased it... right?

If he doesn't fuck off after 2 days politely tell him to fuck off before he has squatters rights.

YouTheCat · 27/01/2014 18:42

How does she have no respect for her husband? She has been a bloody saint and he should have dealt with his brother weeks ago out of respect to her and their children.

NadiaWadia · 27/01/2014 18:43

What a strange comment, AspieLass. OP probably meant it in an affectionate, jokey way.

A month would be a long time for a relative to stay, anyway, but he obviously doesn't appreciate what your family has to offer and is too rude to keep his opinions to himself. Tell him to sling his hook.

ouryve · 27/01/2014 18:44

AspieLass, stating that someone has no backbone and doesn't stand up for themselves is not showing a lack of respect. It's telling it like it is. OP would like her husband to stand up to his brother. If anything, the OP's DH is showing his family, ie his wife and children, a lack of respect by putting them through this and not being assertive on their behalf.

WeAreDetective · 27/01/2014 18:44

Aspielass that's a massive over reaction!

Inertia · 27/01/2014 18:46

Please ask him to leave.

And in the meantime tell him you won't bother providing food as it's not up to his standards, put the telly in your bedroom, and send the kids into the living room at 6 am.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 27/01/2014 18:46

aspielass is being equally charming on another thread where the op has done literally nothing wrong.

I wouldn't worry about it

WeAreDetective · 27/01/2014 18:49

Ahhh! Ok, someone is having a bored afternoon...

SparklingMuppet · 27/01/2014 18:49

Fuck that! Give him 48hrs to leave and be very blunt about it - "If you are not out of this house by X o'clock on Y day then your things will be in a bin bag on the pavement." Please tell me he doesn't have a key?

AspieLass · 27/01/2014 18:50

I love a name change - you lot get all hysterical.

If I thought my husband was a pussy, I wouldnt be married to him.

WeAreDetective · 27/01/2014 18:55

Not hysterical. Just understanding.

ohhifruit · 27/01/2014 18:55

Thanks to all.
Spoke to DH and he has said he'll bring it up when I go out this evening. DH is driving down south this week for work so is going to offer to split the petrol costs and bill it as a chance to get down south and see his friends.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/01/2014 18:59

Funny... I'm not feeling in the least hysterical as I sit munching emergency jaffa cakes, drinking coffee and reading MN. Hmm

AnyFucker · 27/01/2014 19:00

What's the betting BIL doesn't fancy going down south just now ?

Your H needs to tell him to move on because he has outstayed his welcome not be offering even more favours to this user

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 27/01/2014 19:02

Don't let your dh go south for a whole week leaving his brother with you! I fear it will push you over the edge.

WeAreDetective · 27/01/2014 19:03

YouTheCat ... I'm feeling a tiny bit anxious now, could I have an emergency Jaffa cake please Smile

YouTheCat · 27/01/2014 19:06

Is it an emergency? Grin

It's all I've got in that I can eat (apart from the soup I had for tea) as had a large filling replaced unexpectedly and can't eat proper food until tomorrow.

ArtexMonkey · 27/01/2014 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HazleNutt · 27/01/2014 21:22

Honestly, do not bother with hinting or offering trips or letting children make noise. People like that are thick-skinned like rhinos. Try this: "BIL, you asked if you could stay for a week. It has been a month, you need to find somewhere else to stay. Now."

SquinkiesRule · 27/01/2014 21:29

Yeah he'll come up with some excuse as to why he isn't going to go down south.
I'd give Dh the ultimatum, get him out or don't bother coming back from down south yourself. Then once Dh goes off, kick the slacker out and tell him he's an Ass.
Use your pregnancy hormones to your advantage and blow your top, rant and rave and make the man leave.