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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider having another baby in these crcumstances?

32 replies

lazycowsyndrome · 27/01/2014 16:03

I think I probably am.

I already have ds1 5 and my relationship is down the pan for various reasons, dp just won't step up and is only a quarter of the way into family life. I don't know whether we'll honestly be together forever.

We've been trying for a baby but I don't even think dp is interested he's just going along with it and I think I've been perhaps hoping that things will change and now starting to realise they probably never will.

The thing is, I'm 30, ok I know I'm not old, but do feel as though time is running out. If dp and I do split up I can't see me ever meeting anyone else and even if I did and even if they wanted children it would take time to build up a relationship and make the decision, and by then it may be too late. Plus I feel like now would be the perfect age gap and ds craves a sibling.

My home is two bedrooms so the other issue would be space if I was to have a baby girl, I'm not really in a position to move house, but there is the possibility of splitting the bedroom in my house to make two small rooms.

It's quite likely that I would end up a single parent, I think I could manage, I have a good job with flexible hours but I'm not saying that it would be easy.

I'm so torn, on one hand I know that these are not ideal circumstances to bring a baby into, on the other hand I'm afraid that if I wait it may never happen, and I'm feeling as though in 10 years time I may really regret not having a second child.

If I do have a baby there's every chance that dp and I will split up and I will miss out on a chance of meeting someone I'm truly happy with, on the other hand if I make the break from dp, I may never meet anyone else and ds will always be an only child.

OP posts:

MeepMeepVrooooom · 27/01/2014 16:08

OP I think your situation is complex but if you truly do not think you and DP will stay together I don't think it is the best idea to have another child.

Only you can really make the decision but there are a lot of things to factor in. I am a single parent to 1 child and we get by just fine. Throw another child into the mix and I think it could be very very hard.

It's up to you but I think you deserve the chance to be truly happy with somebody else.

DumSpiroSpero · 27/01/2014 16:13

I'm feeling as though in 10 years time I may really regret not having a second child

I have one DD - we chose not to have another based on my having a lousy pg & birth, severe PND and other long term, albeit controllable, health issues afterwards, plus the financial implications & the fact we're all very happy with our little family unit.

Having said that, DD is 10 this year, and although I know we've made the right choice on a practical level, in my heart of hearts I'd be over the moon if we were to have a 'happy accident'.

So whilst my head says 'don't do it in your circs' a large part of me says listen to your heart. I hope you get a happy ending whatever you decide.

Fudgeface123 · 27/01/2014 16:13

You have to ask?!

CoffeeTea103 · 27/01/2014 16:21

Do you think your dp would want another child? If not then your reasons are a bit selfish, esp towards a child who will be born with only one parent wanting to step up.

curiousuze · 27/01/2014 16:22

I didn't even meet my DH till I was 31 and had my first baby at 37. You've got loads of time. You seem so unhappy with this man.

therunnawaybride · 27/01/2014 16:25

I think you need to really takes stock of what you really want out of life if your not happy with dp then why are you still with him? I know from experience the answer may well be for ds but that's no way to live op (believe me!) you need to put urge for another baby on the back burner for a while and sort yourself out first and who knows you might find things fall into place after that. Good luck hope everything turns out for the best x

formerbabe · 27/01/2014 16:27

There is a massive difference being a single parent to one child and being a single parent to two children. Two children (even when you are together) is a massive shock to the system...it is such hard work.

If you do split up, then you are still young at 30 to meet someone else...this will be much harder with two in tow.

Mordirig · 27/01/2014 16:28

It really wouldn't be fair to any of you especially a new baby to carry on this way.
I think you should try and decide what you want in a partner and if your current one is not ticking the boxes then you shod probably leave.
I don't get how you an still have sex with someone you seem to dislike so much either

WooWooOwl · 27/01/2014 16:54

YABVU.

PumpkinPie2013 · 27/01/2014 17:36

I think it would be unfair to have another child in these circumstances - sorry

You sound unhappy with your partner and it sounds as of he isn't that interested in the child he already has so I don't see he would be interested in another one.

I would focus on sorting out your relationship if possible and if not considering separating.

You're only 30 - you do have time to meet a new man and possibly have a second child.

persimmon · 27/01/2014 17:39

I don't think it would be fair on either of your DC but especially the 'new' one.
You've got plenty of time - 30 is really young. I had my DS at 36 with no problems and know lots of 40+ first-time mums.

Koothrapanties · 27/01/2014 17:54

I'm going to go against the grain and say that yanbu. Plenty of women make the choice to use a sperm donor and have children alone. If its possible to make a room for each child and you can financially afford it, I can't see a major problem. Only you can know if you are the sort of person who could cope with two children alone. How well are you coping with one? How well did you cope with the baby stage? Could you cope with your older child on no sleep with no support from a partner? Be really honest with yourself and see how you feel. Only continue to try for a baby if you can honestly say you can offer two children a lovely childhood alone.

MadBusLady · 27/01/2014 17:59

Woah. Whatever decision you make I really, really think you shouldn't tell yourself things like "DS craves a sibling", as if you're doing it partly for his benefit. He is FIVE. He probably "craves" and whines about all sorts of things he shouldn't have, or can't have, or hasn't thought through the consequences of having. Don't put this on him.

tigermoll · 27/01/2014 18:50

I completely understand why you're considering this, and I'm not sure it's altogether a terrible idea.

Your partner knows you are trying for a baby, and although you can tell he is just 'going through the motions' (hey, the motions are all it takes) it's not as if you're trapping or deceiving him in any way. You have clearly thought about being a single parent, so it's not like you hope another child would magically make your partner step up, in fact, you seem to assume he'll be off the scene in a few months anyway. It would be logistically easier to have two children with one man than two children with two men. Many people prefer to have their children close in age. And leaving your current partner and hoping to meet someone else, whilst you have the overriding thought 'must have baby' is not a recipe for success.

tigermoll · 27/01/2014 18:53

PS I second MadBusLady. Don't fall into the 'whatever I want happens also to be the best for my child' trap

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 27/01/2014 18:55

I think you would be unreasonable to have the baby as a "bandaid baby" to save your relationship. But .... But if you want a child and have a willing partner and you are being totally practical about your situation.. I can't see the problem, you aren't using the baby to save your marriage and have your eyes wide open

It's not ideal but if you split up with dh, you are already going to have to deal with due to your first child. SO no, yanbu

MorrisZapp · 27/01/2014 18:56

Don't do it. It's not fair on anybody.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/01/2014 19:01

This is a ridiculous waste of your life and you are far, far too young to be talking as though this is your last chance to have a second child.

Give yourself and your existing child the best chance you can of a happy life. That means ending the broken relationship you are in, establishing yourselves in the new family that takes shape (hopefully with your current DP actually stepping up a bit), and enjoying the freedom to potentially meet somebody new and exciting.

MadBusLady · 27/01/2014 19:06

Continuing on what Join says, while I appreciate declining fertility is always a risk etc, you are pretty young, and you could well be thinking in this doomy, my-youth-is-over kind of way because your relationship is crap and you're a bit depressed, and there's nothing on the horizon for you to look forward to. You might just be seizing on the one game-changing, life-affirming option that IS open to you in the hope that it "saves" you from feeling like this.

If you had a life that was fun and fulfilling without the drag factor of a crap partner I think you'd probably be a bit more sanguine about the age thing, and about the many enriching, fun directions your life could take.

Purplepoodle · 27/01/2014 19:07

Ditch him and go find a man who wants to be a dad.

janey68 · 27/01/2014 19:12

I think the comparison between this situation and a woman having a baby with a sperm donor is flawed. A sperm donor is willingly entering into a totally different type of situation. The OPs situation is potentially far messier. What if the partner starts off having a relationship with his child and then it fizzles out because his heart isn't in it. Or what if he decides he does want a close relationship and the OP decides a few years down the line that she doesn't want to be with him....

Quite apart from the fact that the OP is still young and it's ridiculous to be Seeing this as now or never, I think it's very selfish to make a unilateral decision about something so important.

I would have sympathy with a woman who desperately wants a child, can support herself and the child and decides to use a sperm donor, because the biological father in that scenario is entering into a 'deal' where he's not expecting or wanting any relationship with his children. If you are determined to have another child, take that route; don't have a half hearted go at parenting with someone you don't seem to like much

Dededum · 27/01/2014 19:16

My SIL has just had her second daughter at the age of 38, she married my brother last year. Her eldest is 10. Lots of people find 'happy after' with a second partner.

Ragwort · 27/01/2014 19:35

No, I don't think you should have another child with this man. He is not interested in family life so why on earth would you want him to be the father of another child.

You are only 30 - it's so young - I had my first child at 43 - you have loads of time to meet someone else (if you want to).

caledonianclown · 27/01/2014 20:51

I split up with XH when DS was 3 and I was 33, I thought I would never have another child for similar reasons to yours, and grieved for the loss of my chance. But I was a lot happier out of my miserable marriage and I think DS probably has had a happier childhood because we're not together (although it's not always easy and not what I had planned when I had him). I sold all my baby stuff and put it all to the back of my mind. Six months later I met DP, we've been together 3 years and I'm 33 weeks pregnant. And I'm so so so much happier and I know this baby will grow up in a happy and stable family home.
I think you need to concentrate on getting yourself happy, and if the baby stuff happens then that's great but I don't think that should be your focus at the moment.

Joysmum · 27/01/2014 21:19

As my parent split up, I wanted to be as sure as I could be that DH and I were going to be together long term. We had our daughter after 7 years living together.

I personally would rather not have a child than to chose to have a child in an unstable relationship.

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