To want DS to befriend the naughtiest boy at school?

[Madmartigan]

They are in reception year.DS is a bit borderline naughty himself, but complains to us about another boy in his class, to the point that he sometimes says he doesn't like school any more. I am gutted on several levels.

One, he didn't complain about going to school until recently.

Two, the other boy lives only a few doors away, his mum is friendly and seems like a lovely person. We don't have friends locally, and the mum has suggested meeting up as we live so close.

Three, and as evidence of the nice mum and mitigation of boy's naughtiness, the boy has difficulties, don't know details but the mum (and dad) adopted him about a year ago, he clearly has a huge amount of catching up to do. I get the impression from DS that the other kids don't have much tolerance for this. He says this boy is just pretending not to be able to do things "everyone knows that" he says.

Any tips for encouraging my DS to be more understanding? Should I just leave it alone.

Maybe try a play date or outing to the local playground together?

FWIW, my DC1 spent her first term in Reception complaining about another girl in her class, who it turned out had SEN.

I left it alone after talking to the teacher, although I did befriend the mother in the natural course of things and a play date followed at some point, I forget when.

They are now best friends.

I understand why you want your son to be friends with this other boy and you seem to be a very kind caring person.

However, in my experience you just cannot force your kids to be friends . You can create opportunities for them to play together and get to know each other but in the end they will like who they like.

With regards to him being more understanding, that will come with age. All you can do is keep talking to him and help him to see things from this little boys perspective.

What exactly is happening that your son is saying that he doesn't want to go to school because of this boy? Has something more happened between them?

You can set up a playdate or two but ultimately your ds needs to choose his own friends. Being understanding is always good.Ultimately however, he's not necessarily going to be friends with someone just because they live a few doors down, or they have a nice mum or because they've had a tough start in life.

I would invite the boy round to play. DS is naughty and I would jump at the chance for another mum and child to see that he is actually really friendly and can play nicely.
The other mum might be feeling a bit judged as well so it would be nice to show her she's not IYSWIM.

Yes I'm projecting a bit here

Try a play date on neutral ground like a sift play, where they don't have to be nice to one another, but have a basis to work off

Actually, I really wouldn't try and engineer a friendship outside school yet, just be very clear to your DS about being patient and understanding in school, and not excluding the other boy.

Thanks.

Barbarianmum makes good points. As for what has happened, DS says other boy follows him, which I think is aclumsy attempt to make friends. On one occasion he said other boy kicked and shoved him, along with a couple of others. We told school, DS is not above a bit of shoving himself on occassion, so we spoke about that to him. Other mum also thinks her DS would like to be friends with mine. Perhaps they are not a good combo at this stage though.

I like what Angeladavies hair said. Might be able to see mum socially without children.

I agree about soft play. If they meet, then it should allow a certain amount of escape- for both your DC and him. If he's a bit rough, then it can be shown in a more fun way there. It means your DC isn't forced into playing with him, but has the oppurtunity to see the boy outside of school, and outside of 'learning'.

Definitely third (or fourth) the idea of meeting up at soft play or somewhere neutral. Of course you can't force a friendship, but going out doing fun things will go a long way.

You also have to crack down hard on the 'pretending to not know things' and general naughtiness complaining. Sometimes (often) one child becomes the class scapegoat, there used to be a boy in my DS class who was pretty much blamed for everything when in truth, winding him up until he blew was pretty much a class sport. So you have to overtly deal with this one (which I'm sure you are, you sound lovely!)

Let your DS keep his distance if he wants to. You can encourage understanding/ discourage blame, but he shouldn't be obliged to always see his wishes come last, just because someone else will benefit.

Sorry to sound mean, but I'm a bit sensitive about this at the monent.

4 yr olds do not dislike one another because one is behind.Plus they have only been at school a term, hiow much catching up can there be.
Do not under any circumstances arrange a playdate with a boy your son says he doesn't like.He knows why he doesn't like him, and having the boy forced on him will make him dislike him more.
'pity' playdates' never work!

If your four year old is not enjoying school because of one child that makes his time there difficult, why on earth would you want to encourage your child to be friends with him?

Your sons happiness is important too!

Your intentions might be coming from a good place, but your very small child is not a tool to be used in your upholding of your principles.

You'd just be sending your child the message that he's should tolerate negative behaviour directed at him, that being naughty in class isn't that big a deal, that his feelings aren't important because someone else has difficulties. And that is wrong on every level.

I'm saying this as the mother of a child who has SN btw.

As a parent of two ostracized, naughty children thank you for even thinking about trying to help him make friends. .

If he has SN he isnt being "naughty".

Just saying

what can't sn children be naughty? Is saintliness a symptom!

Children with SN aren't being naughty if it is their SN which makes them behave in a certain way. So if a child with communication problems lashes out because they are overwhelmed by a situation it is because they haven't been adequately supported, not because they are naughty.

Wilson you said it more politely than I was going to

Thought I'd save you a half point on your BP Fanjo. My good deed for the day

Yes. And if they don't obey instructions or act age appropriately due to their SN it isn't "naughtiness".

Thanks Wilson.

It is now only super high instead of extrasuperhigh

I think you are way overthinking this.

all 4 year olds don't want to go to school at some point, perfectly normal. it's tiring. we have some weeping to mum at 5/6. don't be 'gutted' it happens all the time.

secondly it's really early days for friendships, at 4 they can have 3 new best friends in a day, it doesn't mean a lot at that age.

be friendly with every mum but don't rush into end inserting play meet ups just yet. go at your dss pace.

certainly ask him first who he wants to meet up with, don't just arrange it with the other mum as that's totally unfair.

relax a bit. he will choose friends in his own time.

the only behaviour you should be concerned with it worry about is your dss.

I really wish there had been more mums like you when my DD2 joined her first primary when she moved in with me (adopted aged 8, SN and emotional/behavioural issues). Just the attempt to understand and want to make things work rather than shunning means a very great deal

I would be inclined to try a meet up at a neutral venue, to see how it goes, somewhere they aren't forced to fully interact all the time, but they can play near or alongside one another as well as with each other. If it doesn't go well, then IMHO don't try to force it any more, because it won't end up well, and will proably make your son even more averse to being friendly

Understanding comes a bit more with age, but whether or not they end up getting on any better, encouraging understanding is important. I would also be having words about 'pretending not to know things' and about how to treat everyone nicely, whether or not you are friends

Either way - you may find that sadly some of the other parents shun this boys mother. Happened to me, happens to a lot of parents whose children have social/emotional/behavioural issues. Whatever happens with your sons, if you like her and think she seems lovely, could you aim to attempt to just meet up with her at some point? See if you become friends yourselves?

What about when they don't act appropriately and it's nothing to do with their SN?

It's a complex thing, and often there isn't any way of knowing whether negative behaviour is because of SN or if it's just because children are naughty sometimes.

I had to have strong words with my ds's school years ago because he shoved another child hard enough to hurt, and the school put it down to his SN. God knows why when he'd had the SN for the four previous years he'd been at the school and he'd never done anything even remotely like it before, and was actually very well behaved most of the time.

Why is it a bad thing for the OP to teach her son to be kind?

Meeting up at softplay or the park isn't forcing a friendship, it's allowing the children to get to know each other better. They're not being forced together every day after school! And part of growing up is learning to mix with all sorts of people.

It may be that the other child has been given a Bad Name, and the OP's DS is responding to that.

Give him a chance!