AIBU or is my Dh a lazy sod? (long rant)(light hearted)

[poorMrsHughes]

We’ve being married for 15 years and every so often we have to have a 'chat'. He then pulls up his socks but then gradually slides back to being a lazy bugger.

We are busy during the week. He is out the house 8am-6pm, I work about 20-25 hours around school times. I do the majority of the cooking and housework (95%). If I ask DH to do something he will-but why should I have to ask all the time? It’s tiring having to ‘supervise’ someone and I feel like I’m nagging.

I think (is this where the problem is) he and I could spend a few hours on a weekend catching up with essential jobs around the house then have some quality/family/relaxing time. However I feel I spend all weekend dashing about, tiding, washing, planning meals, cooking. organising things for the next week. Taking the DD’s shopping as they want/need bits. Walking the dog because no one else has. Then doing the man jobs listed below.

OK, so two Saturdays ago he got up early to play golf with some mates. He doesn’t play often. He came home at 1pm, ate the lunch I had prepared and went to bed because he was tired. He got up at about 4pm and went into the sitting room and spent the rest of the evening on his laptop. Before I cooked dinner he asked if he could help and I said he could wash up afterwards. Anyway, he didn’t so I did. He then spent Sunday either on the laptop, the desktop or his mobile.

The following Saturday morning we took the shower tray apart because it’s leaking. Then in the afternoon we went out to buy some bits for the shower. We left it partly dismantled so we could test it over the following few days. When we came in he said he needed to do some research (on showers) on the internet. He then spent the rest afternoon/evening in the sitting room on his laptop. I cooked and tidied the house.

So this Saturday just gone he had to work until 1pm. We went to friends for a meal in Saturday evening but most of the day he was stuck to some gadget or other. Sunday he woke with man flu (to can see where I’m going with this). He ‘managed’ to get out of bed and eat breakfast, and play on the floor with the dog for 5 minutes, but gave off all the signs he was too ill to do anything. He spent the morning on the laptop or mobile. Later as I made lunch and prepared the evening meal he offered to peel the potatoes (that I was half way through doing). To be fair he asked if there was anything he could do and I said “go find something to do”.

He should know what needs doing around the house.

The list of man-things he could do:

Bring the recycling boxes from the front of the house and put them in the shed.
Empty the kitchen recycling box into said boxes.
Put the empty tins he left next to the sink into the recycling box under the sink.
Empty the kitchen waste bin instead of pushing everything down.
Pick up a weeks-worth of dog poo from the garden.
Walk said dog.
Re-fit the front of the shower tray as it is not leaking anymore, and put the mop and bucket back in the shed.
Put the extra shelves up in the shed so he doesn’t have to complain he can’t find anything in there.

It wouldn’t be so bad if occasionally he said “ you’ve not stopped all week, here’s a glass of wine. Sit down and I’ll do (plan/shop/cook/washup) dinner”. Or, just got off a bum/gadget and did something else.

Am I being unreasonable?

**Disclaimer - this is generally light-hearted and I love my family.

Read this

poorMrsHughes I usually dont post but I sometimes go through the same situation so here is my take on things.
YANBU -
It will be a never ending discussion/argument to decide who works harder; the partner who goes out and earns the money and feels they have done their share or the partner who stays at home and looks after shopping/cooking/cleaning/kids etc.
My take is that men need a push - they dont think like we do and they will not just pick up or clean up becuase it is dirty. You need to ask them to help out.
It sounds like you are a loving giving mom, dont mind doing a huge share of work out of love and just want to feel appreciated and looked after at times. I sometimes feel resentful towards my DH for similar reasons though i love him to bits.

This is how women get a reputation as being a "nag" though, because we're expected to constantly have to ask for things to be done. Even my 3 year old learns quicker than that.

He's out of the house working/commuting for 50 hours per week.
You work less than half that time (20-25 hours).

Now tell me again, who should be doing the lions share of the domestics? When you have done the equivalent of 50 hours of work then you can look to job/task sharing

It's strange that these men need a "push" at home, but are perfectly capable of holding down proper jobs

Indeed. If my DH left things lying around at work like he does at home, people (probably him) would get injured.

Aww, thanks for your replies. Maybe I'll be whisked away for a romantic valentine’s weekend to Paris. Flowers may be sent (don't really like flowers but that's not the point) – even sent to work so all my colleagues can see!! I love Toblerone’s and frequently mention this so if he picks up the hint (doubtful) I may get a Mars Bar!

More likely I will ‘burst’ and have a rant about how little he does and how little he expresses any appreciation. Then he may cook dinner and buy a bottle of wine – but then is he doing that because I’ve asked him to or because he wants to – and then I can’t really enjoy it. Oh, it’s so difficult being a women and wife these days {hand on back of forehead/sigh}.

Yabu simply for listing 'man things' he can do.

OP, your DH works 50 hours a week outside of the home.
You work about 25 hours a week outside of the home.

You should be doing another 25 hours a week at home before saying he doesn't do anything and is lazy. I don't think he should come home from a 10 hour day and have to tidy the house and cook/clean/take bins out unless you're ill or otherwise incapable.

I have a similar situation. DP works 45 hours a week. I work 20 hours a week. Every week, I clean the bathroom/kitchen, vacuum, change the beds, do the dishes, do the laundry and everything else that generally needs doing on a daily basis. DP cooks (it's his way of relaxing after work, plus he's better at it than me!) and does any bits of DIY that need doing (for example, he put shelves up a couple weeks ago).

It wouldn't be fair on him to work 25 hours a week more than me and then do 50% of the housework. I'm home, I can the majority do it. And it's only fair that I do that, because he contributes more financially. We agreed this when we moved in together, and said that if one day, I ended up working full-time and he worked part-time, then things would switch.

If we both worked 40h/week outside of the home, we'd split it 50/50 because it would be fair.

I'm with KidneyDoc

There is no way on this earth anyone can find 25 hours of housework to do. Its impossible. I had three under 5, into sports, endless bloody laundry and ironing, and I still could not have contrived 25 hours of housework a week. Not unless I was anal enough to wash all the windows every week and start black leading the grate.

Anyone who can manage to find 25 hours of domestic chores a week needs a time management course.

YABU because of this - The list of man-things he could do:

FFS

OP works 25 hours dURING school hours, I'm guessing that OP is the one who looks after the children, does after school activities, homework, feeds them, baths them etc to make up the other 20 hours her dh is working and commuting!!
Sounds like she is doing all the housework and childcare while the dh is at work (fair) but also doing all the housework and child care while her dh is sitting on his bum all weekend (not fair)

BohemianGirl My DH works 50hrs + in a stressful job and I work 30hrs so not dissimilar to the OP but I think he does more housework than me! Thing is it doesn't matter who works what hours, it's about making home-life as pleasant as possible for everyone and not leaving the mundane tasks to one person. I think it cements a marriage when your DH doesn't take you for granted

I believe men who actively help around the house and don't see housework as a woman's role create a positive role model for both sons and daughters.

Anyone who can manage to find 25 hours of domestic chores a week needs a time management course

I tend to agree with this.

I realise that you would like some flowers and chocolates but do you get him treats he would like?
Could you surprise him with a romatic weekend away?

Maybe you would feel better if you went out with friends yourself, like he does with golf, while he watches DCs

What about child care though. Bet that is easily 25 hours per week. Yanbu op. You should be doing all yo can do whilst he is working. Than it should be all hands on deck.

It's not 25 hours of housework is it? It's 25 hours+ of school runs, activities, meal planning and food shopping and cooking and clearing it all away again, dog walking, sorting and paying bills, keeping on top of paperwork, blah blah blah.

I include all that in "housework". As in, things that need doing in the home. If person A is working 50 hours a week outside the home, and person B is working 25 hours a week outside the home, then my thinking is that person B should be doing another 25 hours a week in the home before roping person A into help.

Why should person A work 50 hours a week, come home, and do 50% of the housework/childcare/whatever, when person B is home for 25 hours more than they are, and can logically do 25 hours of that. And no WAY does cleaning take 25 hours a week. Those 25 hours should be inclusive of everything that needs doing, not just cleaning.

My situation is slightly different as I have a tornado toddler at home and work very part time from home.but I can assure you that I could not get all the housework, meal prep, childcare, shopping, laundry, and admin done whilst dh is at work and he does more than 50 hours. Op also does diy too.
Houses get messy at the weekend too and people have to eat etc so op, s dh and indeed mine should be doing more at the weekend.

Treats and romantic surprises are what you should both be giving each other.

If you are not happy with how much he does in the home you address this.

If you think it is unfair you shouldn't just carry on with it just because he gets you some choccys etc. Once in a while.

She has already said she doe 95% of it.

I can spend 10 per week just doing school runs, club runs and preparing packed lunches, uniform etc. Doesn't take long for 25 hours to go. Plus even school aged children need looking after. That doesn't including helping eith endless homework.
How many dc do you have op?