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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

extremely complicated and long please bare with me please help.

41 replies

millieocka · 26/01/2014 20:49

I will write it in sections so I don't have to back track.

Before I was pregnant I moved out the country with my other half.

Whilst I was pregnant things got bad , he was controlling with money and had a lot of plans about how we would work family income which would have meant I had nothing etc. I had hypermesis and was admitted to hospital it took him 2 days to get there andkicked of at his ffamily's house saying he would never marry me as I would be entitled to his money etc
After a huge row at 19 weeks I left and went home to england to stay with my mum for a few weeks to give us space.
At my 20 week scan in england it was discovered that my baby had certain conditions but wasn't 100 percent it was best for me to stay in London with specialists... We then found out baby would have lil chance of surviving.
I kept him informed all the way he never came over though but was saying he was different now and we could make it work and I should move bk over to him when or if baby was well. He started sending me money and stuff to help and agreed he would come to my mums for the birth and stay a few months as she was going to be in intensive care which he did.
My daughter was born 4 weeks ago and after a huge fight and an op she is thankfully doing well but still in intensive care. He was up my mums not doing anything to contribute etc watching me do it all as well as sitting by my daughter all hours.. He began to realise I was never going to get back with him and when we found out my dd was due surgery which was a big step and a good thing for her recovery all he went on about was he wanted parental rights and that's all he could talk about and taking her to Portugal. He asked me before he come if he could use my daughters money in a PayPal account to pay for flights when I found out I was being induced I of course said yes so he didn't miss her being born turns out his grandad paid for them. And he had over 900 pound when he got here and didn't pay for a thing yet was skint 1 week later. And her money was gone too. He was pushing to get daughter registered but things got hectic for me at the hospital and I couldn't leave he then turned up to nicu kicking off and got his stuff from mums and booked a hotel telling me if I didn't get her registered the day after he will report me to social services. He wanted her registered for his paternity leave payment. He also said he was booking his flight home as there was no point in staying in London. I rang midwife first thing next morning who advised me to go nicu and not register her with him that day as he was still angry. He left that night got a flight. He left no money or anything for even nappies. For a couple of days he text me nice as pie even had the cheek to ask me to pay for his flights back here to register daughter as he needs it done before he goes back to work for his Pat rnity payment. Then bang I get a knock at the door its a social worker he reported me saying a bunch of lies , my house I'd a state I do drugs etc which is not true I am t total don't even drink but the social services saw right through him and checked and said there was no concern regarding me.
But midwifes friends , HV, and worker have all advice me not to put him on birth certificate , would that be unreasonable.

OP posts:
FloweryFeatureWall · 26/01/2014 20:51

Definitely do not put him on the birth certificate. Take the advice you have been offered by people who will have seen this sort of thing before.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2014 20:55

Listen to the experts.

Do what they advise - you have seen what he is.

KateSpade · 26/01/2014 20:55

Do you not have to have him with you to put him on the birth certificate anyway?

VelmaD · 26/01/2014 20:56

Do not put him on the birth certificate. Keep a log of all of this, and in fact I would register it all with the police as harrasment. He is controlling and abusive and this is just the start. You need to go no contact as much as possible, just basics on your daughters care, nothing more, and no giving him money or letting him stay with your family.

Hope your daughter gets well soon

Motherinlawsdung · 26/01/2014 20:58

Follow their advice. He is completely bad news through and through, and you should not put him on the birth certificate.

tethersend · 26/01/2014 21:01

Unless you are married, you can't put him on the birth certificate unless he's with you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2014 21:01

Plan for the worst. He is manipulative and is out to help himself. That means you have to have your eye on what is best for your baby and you and NOT him. No more money to him. Register her with your name. Do what you need to keep her safe and you as well.

Congratulations BTW. Glad she is doing better than expected. Thanks

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 26/01/2014 21:02

Take the advice from HV and MW.

Also I think it would be wise to fully move back to the uk, stay with your mum and allow her to continue supporting you.

millieocka · 26/01/2014 21:02

See they have asked if his been abusive and I have said no his never hit me etc.... He said his coming back in a week to do the certificate. I'm just worried what happens if I do not as he said he will take me to court for it and his a lot better and binding people than I am. I haven't toldhim that I know he contacted social yet and haven't kicked off or anything. I obviously can't see what others see. My mum has said him doing things like the following is emotional abuse
He said to my did whilst I was present he would be the one who showed her real love
He Told me I would corrupt her and threatens me with what he would say about me if I don't do things.
I just don't want to use my daughter as a weapon.

OP posts:
allthingsfluffy · 26/01/2014 21:02

DO NOT put his name on her birth cert. He only wants money. And you do not need to be tied to him. Once he realises he won't be getting any money he will disappear. He has no intention of paying towards her upbringing so you shouldn't feel guilty about it at all.

I also think you should log all this with police, incase he turns nasty when he finds out you registered her without him.

millieocka · 26/01/2014 21:05

Thank you Mrs Terry she is doing amazing they are even talking about home which I didn't imagine would happen, its been so tough pregnancy traumitised me I haven't got the energy to fight just want her home and to have a calm life .. I'm defo back hear for good and staying with mum for a while

OP posts:
allthingsfluffy · 26/01/2014 21:05

See they have asked if his been abusive and I have said no his never hit me etc.

Abuse isn't just physical. He has emotionally and financially abused you. He is a bully and I promise you, if you had stayed with him it would have turned into physical abuse. Please register her before he gets back over here. Listen to your mum.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2014 21:10

Remember, you and DD are the unit. It's not a fight, it's boundaries. Put them up and maintain them. Register her before he gets here. No fight, just 'sorry we did that already'. Think of a polite, broken record.

JabberJabberJay · 26/01/2014 21:11

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

A man doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. And he WAS abusive-financially and emotionally.

Listen to your midwife, HV and Mum. Do not put this man on the birth certificate.

I'm glad your baby is doing well.

millieocka · 26/01/2014 21:15

Can he take me to court to get his name on certificate?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 26/01/2014 21:16

Definitely register her before he gets here as do not put him on the certificate. Go back and confirm to your HV that he is being abusive - he is threatening you and also showing signs of trying to damage your DD by his controlling nature.

Congratulations on your DD Thanks

ChasedByBees · 26/01/2014 21:18

I think he can take you to court for parental rights but he first has to prove he is the father.

I don't think he can retrospectively add his name but I'm only going from things I've read here. There's a useful active thread, ill find it...

ChasedByBees · 26/01/2014 21:19

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1976023-Ex-threatening-court-unborn-baby?

Here. Sockreturningpixie has excellent advice.

NonnoMum · 26/01/2014 21:25

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and best of luck with her continuing recovery.

Everything now is about you and the baby.

One day, you will meet a kind, loving man who will respect you.

allthingsfluffy · 26/01/2014 21:26

He could take you to court. But that would cost money, and in the end what will he gain? He will gain a child that he has to pay to support. He doesn't care about her one bit, his behaviour has proved that.

Once he sees how much it will cost he won't do it.

millieocka · 26/01/2014 21:26

Thanks for your help chased.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 26/01/2014 21:27

Just register her ASAP by yourself,

By ASAP I mean before he flys back then present it to him via email as a done deal.

For your information it's quite likely to have been him kicking off at the hospital that prompted the referral to ss. It sounds very much like you putting him on the bc without being forced to by court order could be a really very stupid move, a real life face to face child protection specialist has advised you not to. So don't.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/01/2014 21:28

Thank you chased Blush

millieocka · 26/01/2014 21:31

Secret I had reached out social services since I was pregnant for support as it was traumatic , different thread for a different time but no one came and I know it was him who rang as I had a meeting Friday with a localities officer who went through the allegations with me, as social weren't concerened they put it through to her she works under social services. I will get her registeredjust scared.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 26/01/2014 21:43

You do Sockreturningpixie! You do the women who seek help here an amazing service (and probably countless other lurkers too). Thanks

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