extremely complicated and long please bare with me please help.

[millieocka]

I will write it in sections so I don't have to back track.

Before I was pregnant I moved out the country with my other half.

Whilst I was pregnant things got bad , he was controlling with money and had a lot of plans about how we would work family income which would have meant I had nothing etc. I had hypermesis and was admitted to hospital it took him 2 days to get there andkicked of at his ffamily's house saying he would never marry me as I would be entitled to his money etc
After a huge row at 19 weeks I left and went home to england to stay with my mum for a few weeks to give us space.
At my 20 week scan in england it was discovered that my baby had certain conditions but wasn't 100 percent it was best for me to stay in London with specialists... We then found out baby would have lil chance of surviving.
I kept him informed all the way he never came over though but was saying he was different now and we could make it work and I should move bk over to him when or if baby was well. He started sending me money and stuff to help and agreed he would come to my mums for the birth and stay a few months as she was going to be in intensive care which he did.
My daughter was born 4 weeks ago and after a huge fight and an op she is thankfully doing well but still in intensive care. He was up my mums not doing anything to contribute etc watching me do it all as well as sitting by my daughter all hours.. He began to realise I was never going to get back with him and when we found out my dd was due surgery which was a big step and a good thing for her recovery all he went on about was he wanted parental rights and that's all he could talk about and taking her to Portugal. He asked me before he come if he could use my daughters money in a PayPal account to pay for flights when I found out I was being induced I of course said yes so he didn't miss her being born turns out his grandad paid for them. And he had over 900 pound when he got here and didn't pay for a thing yet was skint 1 week later. And her money was gone too. He was pushing to get daughter registered but things got hectic for me at the hospital and I couldn't leave he then turned up to nicu kicking off and got his stuff from mums and booked a hotel telling me if I didn't get her registered the day after he will report me to social services. He wanted her registered for his paternity leave payment. He also said he was booking his flight home as there was no point in staying in London. I rang midwife first thing next morning who advised me to go nicu and not register her with him that day as he was still angry. He left that night got a flight. He left no money or anything for even nappies. For a couple of days he text me nice as pie even had the cheek to ask me to pay for his flights back here to register daughter as he needs it done before he goes back to work for his Pat rnity payment. Then bang I get a knock at the door its a social worker he reported me saying a bunch of lies , my house I'd a state I do drugs etc which is not true I am t total don't even drink but the social services saw right through him and checked and said there was no concern regarding me.
But midwifes friends , HV, and worker have all advice me not to put him on birth certificate , would that be unreasonable.

millie

Are you able to put down in writing here exactly what it is that your very frightened of?

Do you think he's going to try to hurt you or are you scared of other stuff?

Register your daughter, but don't put his name on.

And report him to the police for the theft of £900

Hope things are looking up for you OP. With any luck you could be free of him soon.

You sound exhausted and scared. I'm sorry you are having to go through this at a time when everything should be focused on your baby.

Him doing all you've said is not the sign of a nice man or someone you should be putting in charge of a tiny defenseless baby. He may shout about rights, but being a parent isn't about his rights, it's about his responsibilities towards his baby. I don't hear him talk about that though?

Sockret I had a really hard 5 months since my 20 week scan, I never thought I would bring my daughter home - for the first 8 days I struggled to bond because I thought I was losing her and then I finally get to the place where I can hold her and be a mum instead of it being doom n gloom then this kicks off, I just feel like me and her r almost not meant to be, we get past one hurdle then something else pops up. I'm scared of losing her, he is very good at getting ppl to like him. His better at speaking than I am and I'm scared what he will do next. I never used to be shy or give down to anyone but I can't explain why I am so scared of him. I don't think I'm strong enough for the courts , the last 5 months have been the worse and he knows I struggled with it and I was admitted in to hospital for 2 weeks due to not coping with the prognosis. I'm scared he will turn everyone against me.

People are already seeing through him though., the HV, midwives. He's not going to turn people against you. You are a new mum with an ill child. People will protect you. I can imagine how scary this is. Just deal with things one step at a time. For now, not including him on the BC will keep him at bay. You can do it.

Please register your child quickly, and without his name on the birth certificate. You can text him and tell him not to bother coming back! Should save him some of the precious money he so wants .....

Please listen to the people around you who do care for you ....

The only way he can turn people against you is if you help him do so,

Keep strong links with hospital staff,ask questions do as much off the care as they say is ok for you to do and as your dd gets bigger and stronger keep those same links with the HV service.

Work with any medical or social staff, get as much support as you can in dealing with the trauma of the medical situation,ask for help from professionals when you need it.

He will have caused himself a bit of a problem if he wants to manipulate ss into supporting him, by making such a big allegation against you he has made it clear his intentions are based on malice.

Just don't hand him any weapons to use against you (no emotional heart to heart talks) and obviously go careful with protecting yourself.

Keep communication with him written if possible don't delete anything and from your side focus solely on keeping them about plans for dd.

If your hospital registers births do it there ASAP if not ring your local reg office tomorrow ask for an emergency appointment tell them you have a very sick baby in nicu and you want her registered as quickly as possible they will give you priority.

If he's having to con money out of people including his own child then he's going to struggle to fund legal action so will probably either not bother or self rep. People who make such over the top daft allegations to ss tend to not be very good at covering up manipulation and spite (but think they are rather good at it) so really and truly I think you can stop fretting about that aspect until you know you have something to fret about.

Expect a few more allegations from him and don't stress out every untrue one actually helps you in the long run

Thank you, you have made me feel more at ease , its hard to think straight when your exhausted and so much is going on, I'm keeping mW and HV updated at every point and working with the hospital and talking to the nicu phychiatrist about the medical ordeal, I amdoing all the cares for dd well learning lol only been allowed for a few days.

don't put him on the birth certificate and get her passport straight away so no one else can get one

Register your baby before he comes back. Also contact a solicitor to discuss applying for a non molestation order. What he is doing is financial and emotional abuse. With a non molestation order, any attempt by him to contact youwill be a criminal attempt. Keep any texts, emails or lettrrs for evidence.
Consider changing your mobile number and block him from your facebook. You can also contact womens aid for further support.
Dont believe any of the c**p he says.
Good luck and congratulations to your baby.

sock as ever is full of the wise. Get the baby registered immediately. Yes, he can take you to court for PR but the thing is - he won't. Because he doesnt care about her, or you. He's only in it for money, and it will cost a hell of a lot more to take court action than it would earn him back: paternity pay vs court fees just doesn't add up.

Also, if - and I mean if - things calm down and he does turn out to be a good guy (I doubt it but stranger things have happened) you can add him to the birth cert later without any problems.

Call them tomorrow and get her registered. And dd and you are meant to be. Absolutely 100%. You are fighting hard for her. just dig a wee bit deeper and get this sorted tomorrow. X

Can I make a strange suggestion?

If you want to get yourself in the best possible position to keep him out of your life as much as possible DON'T block his number.

As things stand at the moment every single nasty comunication he sends you is helpful to you because it's evidence.

You don't need to see them (new SIM card) chuck the old sim in a drawer and if you feel strong enough check it once a week if not get a friend to. But it's quite likely the texts are going to get more offensive more threatening ect.

That would be helpful to you in the long run.

Now obviously I'm not saying upset yourself nor engage with him or do this if you are not able to cope with it.

Yes, and work out if you can upload texts to your computer and keep them on file (as far as I can work out, some phones will allow you to do this, and some don't. My most recent phone won't let me, so I just manually copy all my ex's texts into a Word document. Better than nothing I hope).

...But you don't have to do that right now, of course. Congratulations on your little girl, it sounds like you've come a long way together already.

congratulations on baby :)
Don't put him on the birth certificate, your baby will have a better father with your next partner, I'm sure!

you dont need to put him on the birth certificate however he can still be put on before 12 months and if he drags you to court state you needed to claim child benefit (because he took your money) and you had to register her also as he was being so unreasonable you didn't feel comfortable with him

he probably will get his name put on to be honest but by that time people will have seen him for what he is and he will (hopefully) be monitored with any contact he has

actually have you said he wants contact?

A fathers name can be added to the certificate at any time providing the correct consent or court order is obtained. The child themselves can even do it when they are over 16. There is no 12 month limit.

And unless you offer the reason to the court as a step to try and prevent a court order then you will not be expected to explain why you did not add him initially.

The default setting is a unmarried mother is under no obligation to add him nor is there an expectation that she will and there is no punishment to her or implication about her made from not doing so.

ok,some people might not like that but it is the case. Legally in the absence of a court order saying otherwise it is 100% up to the mother