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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be gutted and think DH could be a bit more understanding?

43 replies

Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 19:43

I've been doing a college course, nothing serious that will lead to anything, but it was something for me and I was really enjoying it. Only 1 day a week, but I don't get home until about 6pm ish in the evening

DH has been offered a fab new job, same company he's been with for years, but substantially more money and his dream job, it would be foolish to turn it down and I wouldn't dream of asking him to.

Currently, he works from home and his hours are quite flexible. He has an office in the garden, but can bring his laptop indoors if the kids are off school or take half an hour for an achievement assembly, he could pick the kids up on my college day and feed them, etc. New job will be office based

We are also foster carers and our local authority will not allow us to use regular child care. I work part-time from home a couple of days a week (I have to do 10 hours across a week) which is already massively frowned upon, they expect 1 of us to be a stay at home parent, so I had to really convince them that my job wouldn't impact on our fostering, so there's no way I can continue with my college course as I don't finish in time to get back before end of school.

I'm gutted, I loved my course and while I know it wasn't really going to lead anywhere, I was really enjoying it. It's something I've always wanted to learn and was stopping me from going dolally from being stuck at home all the time

I know he's right, it's too good an opportunity to turn down, we'll be financially secure and it's the right thing to do for our family. I know it's unreasonable of me to be pissed off that he's got a fab new job, but I am. I'm miffed that it's me that has to sacrifice something again (I couldn't do it last year either).

I agree with him, he definitely should take the job, but I am also gutted that I have to give it up and DH just doesn't seem to understand why it was so important to me as it won't lead to anything

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 26/01/2014 19:47

Although it is annoying sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the better good of the family. Is the course something you could pick up again in the future?

IamGluezilla · 26/01/2014 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NormHonal · 26/01/2014 19:51

YANBU. I'd be gutted if I had to give up something like that. Big hugs.

MisForMumNotMaid · 26/01/2014 19:51

Have you chatted to the course tutors to see if theres any possibility of catching up the shortfall by leaving in time for the school run?

I know its a long shot but you never know...

Alternatively would you be allowed to/ do you have the option to use extended family care for this one short window per week?

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 19:54

Oh, I know sacrifices have to be made and it's alright really, it's just it always seems to be me making the sacrifices.

Like my wants get trampled on in the name of the "best thing for the family"

It's fine really, I'm just gutted that I have to give it up and DH is all "but it's just some course you're doing for fun, it won't lead anywhere"

OP posts:
wherethewildthingis · 26/01/2014 19:54

If its a big step up financially for him, could you cut back on your work? I know that wouldn't solve the childcare thing, but I would speak to your supervising social worker about this and see if they will be a bit flexible. Good foster carers are in demand and I bet they would try to be accommodating.

LostInWales · 26/01/2014 19:55

Of course you are gutted, you wouldn't be human if you weren't. Have you thought of the OU? I know it won't get you out of the house but it would mean you didn't have to stop learning and chatting to the other students online is fun, plus there are tutorials via your computer in the evening.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 19:59

Sorry, crossed posts

I have asked at college if I can leave early but I'd have to miss half of each day which they think would be too much to miss

And no, I don't have any family near by, I do have a "support network" who I can call on in an emergency but I'm not allowed to use them as regular childcare - they also have to be DBS checked, vetted by the LA, etc, so tend to be fellow foster carers who wouldn't be allowed to look after my foster child regularly for that length of time

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 26/01/2014 20:01

Sorry, i was trying to be understanding but i don't think it came across like that. I understand you are gutted, who wouldn't be. Could you ask your link worker if you could use childcare for just that one night?

littlewhitebag · 26/01/2014 20:01

Sorry i have x posted.

CaterpillarCara · 26/01/2014 20:03

YANBU. It sounds like it needs to happen but it is still sad for you.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 20:10

Sorry, cross posted again

Yes, I've been looking at the OU, but to be honest, the main attraction of college was getting out of the house.

Our foster child is a bit of a school refuser so I can spend days stuck in the house, with DH working from home it meant I knew I'd get that one day a week out. Even if the LA do agree to me using childcare there's no guarantee that my young person would go to school anyway

I think the fact that I know what's coming, that I'll have days stuck in the house again with no respite is what I find most gutting

Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/01/2014 20:15

I'm sorry you are not going to be able to complete your course. Can you look into taking it online, or taking a different course that would be during the day? Or maybe with the new money your husband is making, you can quit your job and have more time to do a class during the kids' school day.

Also, I know this is your husband's dream job, and lots more money, but it's not as though he isn't making sacrifices, too. He's sacrificing his flexible schedule, he's sacrificing the time he gets to spend with your kids during the day, he's sacrificing being able to go to school assemblies, etc. Also, if the job pays a lot more money, it probably also has a lot more responsibility and stress.

WhatAFeline · 26/01/2014 20:15

Any other colleges nearby that do similar course in achievable hours?

Sorry that the change has had a detrimental side effect for you.

kohl · 26/01/2014 20:15

YANBU at all, but your DH's response sounds pretty crap. I think that would be what would upset me most.

kohl · 26/01/2014 20:16

let me clarify - it would be his not understanding of why the course is so important to you, that would upset me.

silvermantella · 26/01/2014 20:17

Yanbu, I think you make it very clear that you're happy to do it for the good of the family, but feel like it's always you that's making the sacrifices, and it's okay to feel sad about that.

Can you promise yourself that you WILL do this thing at some point in the future (when kids are older, you work less/ etc) and in the meantime use the extra money from the new job to do something else for you that won't affect childcare? IDK, Buying yourself new clothes/jewellery/books more often as a treat, or a membership to National trust, or local leisure club for all the family? A hobby you can do at home? More days out? Whatever you are into, just so you feel you are valued, and have something that is for you even if others share it - I think that's important.

BohemianGirl · 26/01/2014 20:18

If you were in this borough, you would be being paid in excess of £400 per week per child you foster. For that amount, I would expect you to not need to outsource and use child care.

littlewhitebag · 26/01/2014 20:20

Bohemiangirl what are you trying to say exactly? Being a foster carer is a difficult job and most people do not do it in order to pay baby-sitters to care for the children. However foster carers are allowed to have a life and hobbies the same as anyone else. Your post is abhorrent.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 26/01/2014 20:22

Sorry that you are having to give something up and that your DH is unsympathetic. That sucks.

VelmaD · 26/01/2014 20:23

How long is the course? If its only till July, could your dh negotiate his terms - so be office based 4/5 days and home based every Thursday until July when he can commit to five office days?

JeanSeberg · 26/01/2014 20:27

Can't your husband negotiate an early finish one day a week?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 26/01/2014 20:27

Oh DFO bohemian just because you are a foster carer doesn't mean you have to forsake all your own needs and interests. Your post is ignorant and rude.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 20:31

Bohemiangirl I'm most definitely not in your borough as I don't get paid anywhere near that amount and I don't know any foster careers who do unless they work for an agency

I love fostering but being stuck in my house day after day was driving me slowly insane (if they don't go to school we have to stay at home), I really looked forward to that 1 day a week out of the house.

OP posts:
GailTheGoldfish · 26/01/2014 20:33

Oh come on BOhemianGirl! Was it you or someone else who said about earning this amount on a recent thread and a foster carer commented to say that actually she is not paid anything like that amount? But regardless of what she may or may not be paid, don't you think that the OP deserves something to look forward to for herself? OP I hope you can find some way to make it work. Good luck.

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