Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be gutted and think DH could be a bit more understanding?

43 replies

Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 19:43

I've been doing a college course, nothing serious that will lead to anything, but it was something for me and I was really enjoying it. Only 1 day a week, but I don't get home until about 6pm ish in the evening

DH has been offered a fab new job, same company he's been with for years, but substantially more money and his dream job, it would be foolish to turn it down and I wouldn't dream of asking him to.

Currently, he works from home and his hours are quite flexible. He has an office in the garden, but can bring his laptop indoors if the kids are off school or take half an hour for an achievement assembly, he could pick the kids up on my college day and feed them, etc. New job will be office based

We are also foster carers and our local authority will not allow us to use regular child care. I work part-time from home a couple of days a week (I have to do 10 hours across a week) which is already massively frowned upon, they expect 1 of us to be a stay at home parent, so I had to really convince them that my job wouldn't impact on our fostering, so there's no way I can continue with my college course as I don't finish in time to get back before end of school.

I'm gutted, I loved my course and while I know it wasn't really going to lead anywhere, I was really enjoying it. It's something I've always wanted to learn and was stopping me from going dolally from being stuck at home all the time

I know he's right, it's too good an opportunity to turn down, we'll be financially secure and it's the right thing to do for our family. I know it's unreasonable of me to be pissed off that he's got a fab new job, but I am. I'm miffed that it's me that has to sacrifice something again (I couldn't do it last year either).

I agree with him, he definitely should take the job, but I am also gutted that I have to give it up and DH just doesn't seem to understand why it was so important to me as it won't lead to anything

OP posts:
bigkidsdidit · 26/01/2014 20:34

Could your DH ask for early start - early finish on that one day? This is quite a common request now I think (I work 6.30-3.30).

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 20:36

Sorry, crossed posts again, actually, I will ask about early finish 1 day a week as that may be possible in the short term, there's no guarantees my YP will even go to school, or stay there, but if we're having a good day, I could still go to college

Thanks again

OP posts:
mydoorisalwaysopen · 26/01/2014 20:42

if the main aim is getting out of the house then I would do a different course within the school day.

EvaBeaversProtege · 26/01/2014 20:43

Hi there, I'm sorry you have to give up your course, I've studied as an adult & got so much out of it, YANBU for feeling the way you do.

On the fostering thing - it's something I have been looking into recently & all areas must be different. The couple I was discussing it with are foster carers who both have full time jobs. I read up thinking it was something I would be interested in, but my son currently goes to a childminder after school. Going by your post this would rule us out.

Featherbag · 26/01/2014 20:49

YANBU - I understand the 'me' time thing, it's important. If there's no way to continue your course, could you maybe join a local gym and have 2-3 evening gym/swim sessions a week?

redshifter · 26/01/2014 20:51

I know you love fostering but maybe it's not that good a choice for you if it's driving you mad being stuck in the house all the time and stopping you doing other things you love doing like your course.

Could sacrafice the fostering instead of the course?

Adeleh · 26/01/2014 20:54

YANBU. It's really hard to lose something like that that you love, and at the very least your DH should recognise that. Thanks

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 20:56

mydoor it was a bit of both really. the course is something I've always wanted to learn - photography, I'm a keen hobby photographer and I'd like to learn how to use my camera properly but I have no plans to take it further than taking nice photos of my children. I did look at the OU course, but I chose college over the OU as it meant I could get out of the house once a week.

Eva depends on your local authority. For mine it's a big no no, but I know other areas are OK with it. It also depends on the child, my current placement is a school refuser, so I couldn't work even if it was allowed

I will get DH to see if he can negotiate his hours, it won't even be for that long. Course is 26 weeks, and I think I finish in May

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 26/01/2014 20:57

Taking it from another angle...does the promotion mean that you could use just a little bit of the money to buy yourself a you time activity? Maybe membership of a local spa you could escape to on days everyone does make it to school, or when they've all gone to bed?

Its really important that you don't become or feel you've become the sacrificial lamb in everyone else's happiness.

Somehow your DH needs this explaining to him/ to spend time talking this through with you. You love and support, thats fantastic. But you need love, respect and support in return.

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2014 20:57

I would definitely ask your DH if he could ask for the possibility of early finish/day from home one day a week until July. He has a great case for asking, and nothing ventured nothing gained. In fact, he needn't ask for "until July" - he could ask for flexible working on that one day a week, on a 6-month trial basis, and say to them if it looked like it wasn't working out after 6 months then he's be happy to reassess. . .

SniffAndMoomintroll · 26/01/2014 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

travailtotravel · 26/01/2014 21:08

I think that your DH has to accept but with the caveat that you are able to finish your course - so for 5 months. Imagine if he'd been a single father, his company would have had to give him time to get arrangements in place and as it is, one day a week where he has to be home in the afternoon is not epic, if they want him it's something they should manage to juggle.

The other thing is to come to an arrangement with another foster carer to cover the remainder of this - in return for time over the holidays or something she would value. I know lots of fc, and many do this with the knowledge of the supervising sw, but also kind of 'under the radar'.

It will lead you to something - your sanity, a happier home, great family memories and maybe some work on the side now and then for family pictures. And when the kids are older, you can use that kind of thing for a range of careers. It is valid as it is leading to you achieving your personal goals. Just as he is doing.

And if your DH won't compromise on this, what is he prepared to give you as a concession? That you can do it a year or so down the line? Two years? Child-free weeks so you could so a residential course? Please don't just roll over on this one, he has to see the benefit to your mental health is vital to his ability to just swan off and do his job, even if it is to 'provide for you all'.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 21:14

Its really important that you don't become or feel you've become the sacrificial lamb in everyone else's happiness

I think that's how I'm beginning to feel to be honest. Like my stuff doesn't count and I feel a bit resentful, which is totally unreasonable as my DH has a fab new job which will benefit us all so I can't even have a moan about it either

I will definitely talk to DH about negotiating hours/working from home 1 day a week in the short term though, I've only got 12 weeks left.

Thanks!

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 26/01/2014 21:20

I would check regarding the childcare, i know a family who foster at our school use the after school club so it must be allowed.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/01/2014 21:21

travail. Sorry, crossed posts, but thank you! You're right, I will talk to him. I just feel massively unreasonable complaining about a fantastic job that will make life better for all of us

OP posts:
wherethewildthingis · 26/01/2014 21:37

Do talk to him, that sounds like a plan, but also talk to your supervising social worker, in our LA carers are able to get regular respite from other foster carers fairly easily. Most areas don't have enough foster carers and will offer more support rather than risk losing you. Not that I am saying you would do that as you are clearly a kind and caring person (so do ignore anyone who tries to imply otherwise).

Sharaluck · 26/01/2014 21:55

I am Shock that foster carers aren't allowed to use child care. That is a huge commitment and sacrifice to make, so hats off to you.

Purplepoodle · 26/01/2014 22:33

Could your dh not ask for an early finish or work from home half day on your college course day in his new job

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread