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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay £72 to see my sister & her husband?

47 replies

louiseaaa · 26/01/2014 08:59

Background - my sister and her husband who is american are currently on holiday in the UK. My sister works in the north east of Scotland but will be emigrating to America in May. We hired a cottage in Scotland for Christmas and our whole family (my Dad included) went up and kept her company (her DH was in afghanistan) She's told me that I can only see her & hubby at Warwick Castle on a specific date as that is the only time they will be in our area as they have so many friends to see. They don't want to stay with us overnight (we are 20 miles from Warwick) as they have already arranged to see friends on that weekend. If we don't come to Warwick to see them, then sorry but they aren't avaliable to see us. I'm fuming and I'm sure its all about no consideration for my family and I feel really hurt that we are so far down their list of priorities, especially as we went all that way for her at Christmas, and she stayed with us, but didn't contribute to any of out accom/travel/food costs for the week!!

They are a childless couple and we are a family of five - she has offered to buy ONE child pass - and said that we can afford the fam ticket.

AIBU? I've said no we can't afford it but they are welcome to meet us in Warwick for a coffee before/after they go. And TBH I can't bear the though of visiting that overpriced boring attraction again - we've been a few tomes on school trips/fam days out

OP posts:

saintmerryweather · 26/01/2014 09:04

I wouldnt be 'fuming' but then again I love my sister and if she lived that far away would see her whenever I got the chance. You dont sound that close (begruding her the christmas stay despite the fact it meant your family were together) so I guess it doesnt matter if you see her or not

MrsDavidBowie · 26/01/2014 09:05

I would stick to your plans of meeting for coffee.
You saw her at Christmas.....no need for a long get together. I hate being "summoned" to places by other people...dh's family used to do this, and we never went.

I have seen my sister once in 12 years and she lives about 2 hours drive away.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2014 09:05

If you can't afford it, then don't go. Never get people who, if they have a lovely family, put friends before family.

feelingvunerable · 26/01/2014 09:06

Hamburger
I think your suggestion go meeting for coffee sounds good.

Hope she remembers this if she ever has dcs.

LindyHemming · 26/01/2014 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelingvunerable · 26/01/2014 09:08

No idea where hamburger came from!

TwinklyMummaLuvsHerBubba89 · 26/01/2014 09:08

I'd be pissed off too OP. she is showing you little consideration and putting friends before you.

I would arrange to meet her for a coffee in Warwick as you don't want to miss the chance to see her entirely, but agree that family tickets to an attraction you've no interest in is very unreasonable of her.

missymarmite · 26/01/2014 09:09

Have there been other issues in the past that make you feel that her family are low down on the list of priorities?

I too would object to paying that kind of money to get into a tourist attraction! That's obscene! I think the plan of arranging to meet outside the castle is a good one. She is obviously totally unaware of the costs of bringing up a family. Not necessarily selfish, more like naively ignorant.

2rebecca · 26/01/2014 09:09

It sounds to me as though visiting the attraction and her friends are more important to her than seeing you. In that case I'd just not see her and spend time with people whose company you enjoy.
If you only saw her at Christmas she maybe has lots of people to catch up with who she hasn't seen for a while and some people are closer to their friends than their siblings.

HoneyDragon · 26/01/2014 09:09

UANBU, family do not dictate you spend what will probably work out nearer £150 once you factor in food and travel to see them for a couple of hours.

She's choosing to emigrate, I think she's let you know where you are on her list of priorities so I'd just get used to it.

If she can't even meet up in Warick itself for coffee and leave the castle for an hour she's very churlish.

LIZS · 26/01/2014 09:09

what time does it open? Can you go for coffee beforehand or meet after it closes ?

foslady · 26/01/2014 09:10

If you went would it be your family and sister or are you expected to share this family time with friends? Ps if you do go can you still use tesco vouchers to make it cheaper?

DameDeepRedBetty · 26/01/2014 09:10

Tell her the truth - you've been to Warwick Castle far too often already, and you're skint after paying for Christmas - and if she wants to see her family you'll be [somewhere nicer and cheaper, you choose] on xxx.

Sounds like she and her H are still at the stage of early married life when they still act and think like teenagers.

HoneyDragon · 26/01/2014 09:12

Warwick castle is extortionate ..... Even if you use a Tesco vouchers you'll resent having spent the vouchers

SanityClause · 26/01/2014 09:13

Yes, do the meet up for coffee. YANBU.

BlackDaisies · 26/01/2014 09:13

Yanbu. But I'd try not to dwell on it. You've both suggested a way you could meet. You've both said no. Her suggestion is pricey for your family, another reason not to feel guilty for saying no. Just send her a friendly message and say it's a shame you can't meet this time, but that you were pleased you all went up at Christmas. Don't engage if she tries to guilt trip you.

Phineyj · 26/01/2014 09:13

YANBU as there are any number of reasonably priced historic places to visit that don't charge the rates of that one! She could get you a National Trust membership as a parting gift if you don't already have one

I think your DSis has been tactless but I slightly sympathise with her as I know from the experience of friends who have emigrated that it's hard to keep everyone happy - they try to see family and friends but only have a limited time to do so, and if the DH is in the army as well that puts a lot of restrictions on what they can do.

SpottyDottie · 26/01/2014 09:13

Well it sounds like she's doing the rounds before emigrating but she is not being very diplomatic about it. I would be bloody annoyed too, but don't go just because she is clicking her fingers. If you can't afford or want to go then don't!

stickystick · 26/01/2014 09:15

YANBU

Original poster

louiseaaa · 26/01/2014 09:15

I love my sister and I'm very sad that she's moving to the states - but I'm sad that everything has to be on her terms re visiting/spending time with her, as I've got a family to shift and she only has herself. We went up at Christmas as she said that she couldn't come to stay with us because her shift patterns weren't compatible. When we got there one of her friends let slip that they'd all been stood down for 10 days - so she could have visited us. I actually get the feeling that we are an inconvenience and she's rather be visiting friends, and actually that makes me very sad. I broke the bank to attend her wedding in America two years ago, have spent rather a lot on fixing problems with her local flat which she rents out, sorted out her tax return and paid a fine for that as it was late - not my fault I hasten to add, and I'm feeling used. I resent the fact that she sees me as a second bank account/rolling in it and I'm all mixed up with feelings of guilt over that and churlishness about the Warwick Castle thing. Hubby says that I'm too soft and she's taking advantage of me - that I'm effectively paying her to see me (not in the Warwick case, but generally overall) I brought her up from 15 and she lived with me for five years so I guess I do feel responsible for her too.

OP posts:

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 26/01/2014 09:19

YANBU

HoneyDragon · 26/01/2014 09:21

I think your dh is right.

I think your second post is more telling, she views you as a more maternal than fraternal figure and that would explain why she doesn't appreciate the literal costs of you visiting her, but expects it.

iwasyoungonce · 26/01/2014 09:23

Hamburger

HoneyDragon · 26/01/2014 09:25

I tried to figure that out, is it an autocorrect of the ops name?

JimmyChooChoo · 26/01/2014 09:26

OP- from your last post I can see she IS waking all over you and I'm afraid your dh is right - you are too soft.

Are you afraid of upsetting her is that why you do so much for her?

Tell her that Warwick castle is too expensive -if she asks why explain that you visiting her in Scotland has left you skint.

She sounds incredibly selfish.

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