To not want to pay £72 to see my sister & her husband?

[louiseaaa]

Background - my sister and her husband who is american are currently on holiday in the UK. My sister works in the north east of Scotland but will be emigrating to America in May. We hired a cottage in Scotland for Christmas and our whole family (my Dad included) went up and kept her company (her DH was in afghanistan) She's told me that I can only see her & hubby at Warwick Castle on a specific date as that is the only time they will be in our area as they have so many friends to see. They don't want to stay with us overnight (we are 20 miles from Warwick) as they have already arranged to see friends on that weekend. If we don't come to Warwick to see them, then sorry but they aren't avaliable to see us. I'm fuming and I'm sure its all about no consideration for my family and I feel really hurt that we are so far down their list of priorities, especially as we went all that way for her at Christmas, and she stayed with us, but didn't contribute to any of out accom/travel/food costs for the week!!

They are a childless couple and we are a family of five - she has offered to buy ONE child pass - and said that we can afford the fam ticket.

AIBU? I've said no we can't afford it but they are welcome to meet us in Warwick for a coffee before/after they go. And TBH I can't bear the though of visiting that overpriced boring attraction again - we've been a few tomes on school trips/fam days out

It sounds like she has a packed itinerary with DH trying to fit everyone in before she leaves the country, if it were me I would cut her some slack. If you don't want to go then don't. When will you see her again?

I would say that as much as you'd like to see her, Warwick Castle is expensive and its not where you'd want to go for a family day out in the winter, so no it just doesn't work for you. Assuming its near suggest something local and cheap either before or after.

I think also stop trying to help her re: flat, or tax return, just say sorry no I am busy. She can't be bothered for you.

Hmm after 2nd post I'd go down the 'this is what I can do route'. Also if she still has the flat make.sure.it's with a lettings agent

So your sister is laying down the conditions for your two families' meet-up and telling you to take or leave her decision, with no consultation? That, more than the cash, would make my blood boil and is the reason you should say no and not enter into any sort of negotiation. She sounds very self-centred!

I'd go with 'That doesn't work for us, you are welcome to pop into ours on the way there or back, or we can meet up for a coffee somewhere but if we aren't important enough to be on your itinerary then so be it'.

YANBU.

But why are you paying her fines etc?

Meant to add, will this continue once she moves?

YANBU

It's one thing insisting on a venue if you are inviting someone and therefore paying, but if you are just asking if someone would like to go with you then there is always the possibility that they will decline.

To be honest if you're only 20 miles away she could just spend the price of the child ticket on petrol to come and see you at home for a coffer.

Definitly stick to saying no to the castle visit! Agree to coffe as long as it doesn't put you out.

I would be very annoyed with her if I was you

If she is trying to fit everyone in before she leaves I can kind of see why she might have thought a tourist attraction like Warwick castle might be a good place to meet both friends and family. And if she saw you over christmas I can see why she would want to stay with friends instead.

Just speak to her on the phone and say you'd love to see her but Warwick castle is too expensive. And arrange to meet her somewhere else. It might be the last time you see her for a while after all.

As for the flat/tax bill issues etc, stop doing so much for her! It sounds like she takes you for granted.

From your second post it does sound as though you have a more parent child relationship than equal sibling one.
I think your husband is right. You shouldn't be telling her how to live her life eg you MUST meet me before you go because I'm your sister and you are an ungrateful brat, and have to let go of her, tell her if she wants to see you you can manage x time and place and if you don't see her before she goes you hope things go well for her.
Disengage a bit. As she gets older if your relationship is generally good she will choose to spend time with you, just like most adult children choose to spend time with their parents but don't want to be guilt tripped into it.

She is treating you as a parent rather than a sibling. It's very immature of her, but understandable because of the history.
My dm's sister is like this- there is a massive age gap and my dm did mother her because their parents were terrible. Now they're adults they're still in the parent child roles rather than siblings.
Try not to be sad. You've done wonderful things for her and I would imagine when she grows up a bit and has kids of her own she'll appreciate you more.
For the moment, stop being a mug. Draw a line and stop babying her by helping her-she can do her own tax return etc etc. You have your own family to look after.
Say you're happy to meet for coffee.

Would it be feasible for you to go on your own to meet her somewhere in Warwick? Would I be wrong in thinking your husband wouldn't be bothered? And I don't see the need for your children to have to go either.

I agree that if she doesn't have kids then there is no need to take the kids and you'll have more time to actually talk to her as you won't be childminding with the kids trying to drag you away to various attractions.
If the idea doesn't suit you I'd just say no to it as it sounds as though she arranged to meet other people at warwick castle and you're trying to piggy back on to it as you're keener to see her before she goes than she is to see you with her maybe feeling she "did" family at Christmas.
Also now she's married her husband may have people he's arranged to see before he goes at Warwick, so even if you go it may not be the kind of meet up you are wanting.

Is she quite a bit younger than you, if you brought her up from 15? It sounds like your relationship has a bit of a parent - child flavour to it, with her expecting you to provide unconditional love and support and not really at a stage where she thinks much about your life and stresses. I think it's quite common for young adults (not teens but folks in their 20s) to be a bit self-absorbed and distant from their families, tbh. I love my sister and father to pieces but I reckon we saw less of each other from about 18-25 than at any other time in our lives. I think my dad was more hurt by this than my sister... I wonder if part of the reason you feel very upset is that you've been like a mother to her and this kind of treatment therefore hurts in a different way? It also means that it will take longer and be more complex to make the move into a more equal sibling realtionship, perhaps?

x post!

Your husband seems to have it spot on.

I dearly love my sister-but I prefer the company of my friends tbh.

It does sound as though she sees you very much as there to serve at her convenience, given your latest post. Why can't a letting agent deal with her flat ? It seems unfair that she is profitting at the expense of the household budget which has to provide for your children.

The food ob

The food

The food at Warwick Castle is vile and overpriced imo but there are some lpvely cafes in Warwick itself. Meet outside - you'll be doing her a favour. Or persuade her to go to Charlecote instead?