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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a shotgun wedding!

28 replies

yummystepford · 25/01/2014 21:30

I've been with my oh nearly 2 years, but have known each other 9 years and kept in touch online a little. we are due in June, it's his first and my third. I was engaged to my ex, planned the wedding and managed to get out in time, he was a horrible man, as a result and other reasons I do not want a wedding, I want to elope and my oh knows this, so being pregnant isn't going to 'spoil the day'

I have moved me and my 2 ds an hour and a half from where we lived to move in with him and given up a certain amount on security and independence, but am happy to have done so because I am happy we are all together. But have to try and make all new fiends and find my way around and everything else involved moving to a new area.

He has also told me I am the love of his life. I did send him a text just saying, id like to get married before the baby is born. but nothing has been discussed in regards to the message.

I want to marry him because I love him and want to spend my life with him, if we are going to do it I would like it to be done before the baby is born because of things like baby's name, having his surname on the baby wrist band at the hospital and because I'd like my husband to be there, not my boyfriend! I also think I deserve a bit of security and by that I mean him wanting to marry me more than the actual legal side of the security.

I feel like I should wait for him to ask, but I know even if he thinks about doing it, it's the sort of thing that he would procrastinate on.

OP posts:

LittleBabySqueakSqueak · 25/01/2014 21:39

I'd say you need to open a conversation about the text message. I'd feel the same as you, by the way. We established that we both wanted to get married sooner rather than later, but I left it to DH to ask "formally."

Bearbehind · 25/01/2014 21:43

I don't think UABU at all and I'm loving the thought of you moving to a new place and making new 'fiends'! PMSL!

Original poster

yummystepford · 25/01/2014 21:45

I don't know how or when to bring the conversation up!

OP posts:

Original poster

yummystepford · 25/01/2014 21:46

Friends lol, gotta love touch screen :) x

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 21:47

I'm not sure about this at all really

Did you make it explicitly clear about the marriage thing before getting pregnant?

And if so, was the baby unplanned?

innisglas · 25/01/2014 21:53

I think that is fine as long as you are willing to accept and respect the fact that he might have other wishes.

Original poster

yummystepford · 25/01/2014 21:53

Pregnancy was unplanned and we were very good with contraception! But we are both happy about the baby anyway, ( he was happy straight away, it took me a few days) I would have waited until I was married, he knew I wanted to be married before I had a baby but we had never discussed having kids or marriage before!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 21:54

OK, just wondering why you said something so important to you in a text message?

Why not just sit down and speak to him?

CrispyCrochet · 25/01/2014 21:56

Hi OP! My now DH & I got married in October & DS1 was born in December.

We'd been together for almost 4 years & had talked about marriage previously but had always said we'd be happy to have a baby first. However when we found out we were expecting I changed my mind. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together & for me it was silly things like us all having the same surname. Plus I felt we'd never do it if we waited until after as we are too practical.

Anyway, shotgun wedding was amazing & low key but brilliant. I've got a maternity wedding dress I can sell you for £30 if you are interested.

Just tell him how you feel next time you are having a quiet moment. I'm not romantic so I don't worry about the whole surprise engagement thing. There is nothing wrong with both of you deciding together it's what is best for your family.

I'm serious about the dress btw!

Original poster

yummystepford · 25/01/2014 21:59

I know I shouldn't text, but have spent weeks trying to say it to him and in he end only had the courage to text him!

OP posts:

ScarletLady02 · 25/01/2014 22:08

I got married at 7 months pregnant and we only decided to do it when I was 5 months pregnant. Technically we were engaged but it was always a "when we have the time...the money...blah blah", then at 5 months pregnant something just clicked and we decided to do it on the cheap.

It was awesome...cheap, low key, I made everything I could make using ebay craft supplies

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 22:10

How long ago did you send the text?

LoveWine · 25/01/2014 22:12

Why would you try to talk about marriage by sending a text message? Surely, if you want to marry thus nan you should also be able to discuss important topics like this face to face. If you can't talk, why would you marry him?
Sit down and discuss this like adults.

Original poster

yummystepford · 25/01/2014 22:26

Couple of weeks ago. I've had some issues with depression and self esteem and I think it's that reason that makes me find it difficult to discuss it with him, as previously I wouldn't have had an issue talking about this kind of thing.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 22:33

You live together and you sent him a text discussing one of the most important things to you in life...a couple of weeks ago and he hasn't replied or even mentioned it at all?

He doesn't sound ready for marriage I'm afraid.

You said neither of you had ever discussed having children or getting married before the unplanned pregnancy...which thankfully you're both pleased about.

I'd concentrate on the baby for now and integrating your children with your DP (and the new baby when it arrives).

You shouldn't try to rush him into it before the baby's born.

WaitMonkey · 25/01/2014 22:41

You live with him, but you sent him a text about getting married ? Is that right ? Sounds a bit unusual to be honest.

Original poster

yummystepford · 25/01/2014 23:12

The fact that I sent a text is irrelevant. I know I should have spoke to him, and I will, I just not sure how to start
the conversation. Tempted to discuss pushchair budget and ask if it depends if I'm to be expecting any jewellery soon and go from there or just blurt out, I'd like to get married before the baby is born.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 23:44

You've already 'blurted it out' via text and he's ignored you.

"Tempted to discuss pushchair budget and ask if it depends if I'm to be expecting any jewellery soon"

That ^^ is still not an adult way to discuss this.

Just have an open conversation. Tell him (again) that you want to marry him and see what he says.

But remember to listen to what he tells you.

LoveWine · 27/01/2014 11:18

But sending the text is not irrelevant - it shows your maturity and ability to handle an adult conversation. Ignoring the text also shows your OH's level of maturity. I think you should both just sit and discuss the topic. Having a child is a big commitment, bigger than getting married (in my eyes) so you should work on being able to communicate about issues like these, otherwise, you may find yourself in difficult situations down the line when decisions about your child's life need to be made.
And please do NOT ask about receiving jewelry! You can start the conversation about asking him how see your future together and what his thoughts are on getting married. Carefully judge his reactions and choice of words and you can take it from there.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2014 11:34

Why don't you just ask him tonight what he thought of your text? I don't think it's terrible to send a text, it could be quite a sweet opener, but you do obviously need to have a follow up conversation about the future and your desire to get married.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2014 11:35

Can I ask how old you and your DP are, OP?

ZillionChocolate · 27/01/2014 13:02

OP is old enough to be pregnant with her third child.

How about you research the costs of your shotgun wedding and then bring it up as part of a baby budget/planning discussion. You're a grown up, you are perfectly capable of telling your partner what you want out of life.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2014 14:56

I know OP is having her third child. I was just wondering if, for example, her DP was quite young which might explain why he hasn't replied to her text / begun a discussion about it. Marriage might just not be on his radar yet. I think there is a big difference between OP's DP being 30 and him being 20 which might influence the advice given.

SlimJiminy · 27/01/2014 16:33

Nothing wrong with wanting a shotgun wedding, but you need to be prepared to have a proper face-to-face discussion with your DP about it. Unless he knows how you feel (and vice versa) you're unlikely to get anywhere.

Original poster

yummystepford · 27/01/2014 21:18

Thank you for replies, I understand people's opinion re the text, the reason I say it's irrelevant is because in the 5 and a half years since my first child tatted nursery I have never managed to have a conversation with a single person at the nursery or school playground, this is just one example, it's issues I have, not relationship issues. He is 34 btw. I am a little hurt that he hasn't taken the text as a hint to bring it up in conversation even if just to say he doesn't think it is ideal yet, maybe he has a plan to surprise me, but I'm not sure. I spend every evening trying to get the words out to start the conversation but I simply I can't.

OP posts:

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