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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with dh & dd re vr entrance exam..

80 replies

wintertimeisfun · 25/01/2014 14:16

dd has gone for a music scholarship which went as well as it could have (audition, went really well in that she thinks she did well) and she either gets offered one or she doesn't as she did as well as she could however she has to also pass the academic exam which was today. we don't push so she wasn't tutored (unlike most of the other kids sitting it) and again, as long as she had done her best we were happy with that.

i did buy her a bond verbal reasoning book as vr is different to the usual stuff she does at school and thought it good she was made familiiar with it. she barely did much from the book and told me she (quote) found it easy. to get to the point (sorry..) she has just come back form the exam and told me she found the vr really hard. i am pissed off as she did fuck all in preparation re vr as i went along with the fact she told me she found it easy (didn't push her to go through the vr book).

dh is pissed off with me, thinks i am being unreasonable as (quote) she did her best, which on the day i am sure she did. however, i am pissed off with him as i think he has shown bugger all interest in this whole process and that (yeah right..) if she was offered a music scholarship she wouldn't get in if she had failed the entrance exam.

i don't like feeling pissed off about this but i am. tbh i doubt she would get a scholarship, she is of the standard but again, up against seriously pushed kids of which she ain't but it is the principle. i think she would have found vr a little easier had she of spent some time on the bond book i bought her. what do you lot think..

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 25/01/2014 14:19

I think that you are being unreasonable to expect a child to discipline themselves to revise for an exam while you excuse yourself by saying "we don't push her". If it was a big deal you should have helped her find time to do it. If it is not a big deal, then why are you blaming everyone else? She is, what, 11?

scaevola · 25/01/2014 14:21

I think that hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You chose not to push her through VR preparation and approached the entrance procedure with the mindset that was right for you. There's always a chance that you do not get an offer when your DC goes through a selective process. Might it be a consoling thought that you could have pushed/tutored her through practice papers, and thus gone against you ethos, and you would still be in the unsettling 'wait for outcome' time now?

mrsjay · 25/01/2014 14:21

if you wanted your dd to get a chance of a scholarship you should have organised her revision better tbh they cant always be rellied on to do it themselves

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 14:22

I think you're confusing the words 'push' and 'help' really.

It sounds as though she could have done with a little more help and encouragement at home.

Having said that, tons of kids come out of an exam saying they found it hard, but pass with flying colours.

Might be best to just wait for the result.

ziggiestardust · 25/01/2014 14:23

How old is your dd OP?

Thumbwitch · 25/01/2014 14:25

I think you could have gone through one of the vr exercises with her to make sure that she found it easy, instead of taking her word for it - and I think the biggest reason that you're pissed off is because you know you could have done that, but didn't. So actually you're mostly pissed off with yourself for not checking on you 11yo's veracity, but you're spreading the blame around because it's not sitting comfortable with you.

Of course there is blame on the part of your DD and your DH as well, but in the end, you have your share too and it's an uncomfortable feeling.

Andro · 25/01/2014 14:25

It is immensely frustrating when you give your DC the tools to do something and they chose not to use them...but it's part of being a parent. Unfortunately something like VR can seem very easy when you're reading about it, yet anything but when you come to actually put the theory into practice.

YANBU to be annoyed at your husband if he agreed to your DD attempting to gain the scholarship, only to completely check out of the process.

YANBU, but you do need to let it go. Acknowledge that your DD has done the best she can on the day, go into more detail if she questions how she could have done better...but do it gently.

Andro · 25/01/2014 14:26

^choose, not chose.

mrsjay · 25/01/2014 14:26

Relied*

Original poster

wintertimeisfun · 25/01/2014 14:26

she didn't do any preparation for english or maths as she naturally already does this at school and has no problem with it. the only reason i bought her a bond vr book was purely because she has never seen/don't it before so would be really daunting on the day to sit a vr exam paper never having seen that before. i didn't expect her go do the complete book (and it is only small), but half would have been good. i don't think that is me being pushey, to do half of it taking into consideration i bought it months ago. if she came home saying she found it hard i would have been more supportive if she had made a small effort to familiarise herself with it beforehand. i never expected her to be a wiz at it. it's the fact she did nothing, fobbing me off that she found it really easy when she hadn't. i think 11 is old enough to take a small bit of responsibility, she ain't 7

OP posts:

mrsjay · 25/01/2014 14:29

she may not be 7 but they do need encouraged and told what to do ime If i didnt nag encourage my dds to revise they probably wouldn't have done so well in their exams , how are you going to cope when she is Exam age we need to be on at them sometimes

Andro · 25/01/2014 14:29

Acknowledge that your DD did the best she could on the day,

What on earth happened there...?

Original poster

wintertimeisfun · 25/01/2014 14:29

worral & mrsj you are both spot on, i should have helped her more/encouraged her to do a bit of work on it. i guess some of my pissed offness is with myself..

OP posts:

mrsjay · 25/01/2014 14:30

and anyway she may have passed but found it difficult exams are not meant to be a walk in the park anyway are they

Newyearchanger · 25/01/2014 14:30

It comes over a bit as if you wanted her to work at the vr but didn't push her and now you regret it..... You can't blame her for that, you both gave her mixed messages. If she gets in , great, if she doesn't, then that's the way it goes. If it were me, I would have pushed her to do it, but that's not your ethos so you can't have it both ways.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 14:30

I think Thumbwitch has it spot on really.

mrsjay · 25/01/2014 14:30

I think Thumbwitch has it spot on really.

so do I

LIZS · 25/01/2014 14:35

Of course she needed guidance as to what to expect and practice for ! whether 7 or 11 you can't expect her to just know . Also if she only did a few at the beginning of the book often they get progressively more thought provoking. The thing that often makes VR and NVR tests hard is the time factor 40 or so in 10 minutes , so you need to practice technique, being able to move on rather than get stuck and not finish the paper. Also unless at a prep school or state shcool which prepares for 11+ the curriculum English and Maths may not be enough at this stage for competitive entry. She has done her best with the preparation you gave her. It is likely though they will only offer scholarships to those who make the academic grade unless she is exceptionally talented.

Original poster

wintertimeisfun · 25/01/2014 14:35

she did the the best she could on the day, i know that and it is because of that that part of me feels rotten. It is the other part of me that is pissed off (yes, with myself also, you are right...). i am good with her when it comes to her doing her homework as well as her music homework. dh on the otherhand NEVER gets involved with her homework and if it was down to him she may often not do things when she should. i guess that is in my job description. i don't mind being the one to get her to do her homework/music practise but i don't need him having a go at me making me feel bad about getting her to do stuff. i feel it makes him the lovely daddy and me the big bad witch

OP posts:

ziggiestardust · 25/01/2014 14:36

She probably just said she found it easy to please you. She's still half little girl who wants to please her mummy, half pre teen who wants to be a grown up.

There's a world of difference between pushing and helping when they're at school, and a bit of guidance probably wouldn't have gone amiss.

Ease up on her a bit. Another few years and she'll be gone and left home.

ziggiestardust · 25/01/2014 14:37

If you DH is having a go at you in front of your DD, that is bad form on his behalf and I'd pull him up on it.

Original poster

wintertimeisfun · 25/01/2014 14:39

thumbwitch does

OP posts:

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 25/01/2014 14:39

I think if an 11 year old hasn't come across verbal reasoning before it would be desirable to run over the principles of it with them before leaving them to study further independently. I assume you did this. If not then I think you are BU.

I agree though that just because she found it hard doesn't mean she hasn't done well.

sobbingmummy · 25/01/2014 14:40

Mmm I have just been through this. If you dont tutor your child (to the max) you dont stand a chance of getting in (unless its a non academic/non selective school)
Schools are not looking for the naturally bright children they are looking for PARENTS that support their children. Anyone with half a brain can pass GCSEs with parental support and tutoring.Most top schools cull at 6th form starting the tutoring process all over again.

ziggiestardust · 25/01/2014 14:41

sobbingmummy that's an interesting way to think about it; about the parents. I never thought of it that way.

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